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Can't sleep...


SURVIVOR112261

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Got online to whine and vent, normally where I go... This divorce is tough. Why does it have to come with so many highs and lows? During the day I'm fine, and as night comes, it gets pretty painful.

 

My dog Lily doesn't know how to hug. Sometimes a teddy bear works, but rarely can it take the place of a warm, loving, husband. The anti-anxiety pills work sometimes, but not tonight...

 

How do you jump this big hurdle without him? So many memories and he acts like they never happened. I can see him by my side in the hospital hoping I wouldn't die. Most times I wasn't even awake, but I knew he was there. The first words I said from my coma were, "I love you"...

 

Seven years with this man, and now nothing... I had a miscarriage with him on Election Day, wanted to finally be a Mom, that was about 4 years ago. All the moments, whether good or bad... I felt a part of his family, like I really belonged, and now those are distant memories.

 

How will I get through the holidays? There's only my Mom in town. The rest are out of state... It felt good to be loved.. I hope I can love again someday.. My grandparents have all passed. I miss the big holiday gatherings.

 

I had to discuss a few things with him tonight on the phone. Once again I stuck my foot in my mouth. I asked if he missed me. He said "A little". How could a man that I loved be so cold???

 

There's no chance of him coming back. I need to say my prayers and go to bed. Goodnight all... :wacko:

 

 

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((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) I don't know how to make it better...

 

But I can tell you it WILL . Right now you are going through a grieving process.. The loss you have right now is double, you are working thru the loss of a spouse and dealing with the stroke issues.

 

Do you have a theapisit or someone to talk to... these are big issues to deal with.

 

 

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:hug: to you. I wish I could wave a wand and make everyone's problems disappear. Since that's an impossibility, I would suggest too that you seek counseling in order to cope with the double loss. Keep in mind, the sun may be behind the clouds right now, but it will be sunny soon. See if you can obtain a body pillow to cuddle up with at night. It's a good sign if you're getting through the daylight hours. Work with your dog in learning how to "cuddle".

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Sherry:

 

It's natural to grieve for what you lost, I bet talking with him set off those feelings for you, BTW I just want to tell you these things things do change and it will become better, I am confident in your future blogs I will be reading stories of loving man who completes you and is your soulmate. Anyway you have to give gift of HOPEE to yourself and that is the meaning of innerstrength. things will be better, you can get through these ups and downs.

 

Asha

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Dear Sherry--I am so sorry you are going through this pain. The operative word here is "through." You will make it to the other side. You will be stronger. That is the good side to what you are going through now. You can slap me for sounding like a Pollyanna. But you will get through this.

 

I am divorced and I wanted out of the marriage. The best thing I did for myself was to see a psychologist because the sessions gave me strength to leave the marriage. However, as much as I knew I had to leave, didn't make it any easier. I was just glad to be out of the house and I didn't care whether I went through w/ a full divorce. Eventually, my ex-husband said we should file for divorce and he did all the work.

 

Going through that and taking care of my parents and watching their regression, brought on depression. I didn't realize what was happening to me because I always took care of everything. I could barely get out of bed and when I did, I laid on the couch and watched TV so I didn't have to feel anything. This was after my Mom died. I think everything culminated in my brain bleed. No one ever knew I was going through this because I was too proud and ashamed that I was at the bottom of the barrel.

 

Right now, you need to take the time to grieve. But you need to fight to work towards finding another life. That journey starts w/ finding out about yourself. Getting to know yourself w/out the husband part. You need to make yourself whole. Find the things you like about yourself. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a bubble bath, for instance. No, its not silly or foolish. It is therapy to tell your body and your soul you are OK and worthy. Are there things in your mind you have always wanted to try? Do them. Also, challenge yourself. Its about finding out about you; discovering you. Look to your friends.

 

That was another surprising thing for me. I thought friends would divvy themselves up between my ex-husband and me and I just figured since a lot of our friends were lawyers, like my husband, that they would remain his friends. It surprised me the people who decided to be my friend...and touching.

 

These things I write are to try to make you understand that you will come through this. You will find a another life. It will be your life. When you do, I hope you find all the happiness you deserve because you are a good person. Take Care. LK

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