Well, I've never done a blog before -- or even a diary or journal. But today is the day. Wes is feeling extremely weak today. He is always weak; but today he doesn't even have enough strength for me to give him a shower. So I didn't. I don't know if that is neglectful -- I don't think so. I would rather put off the shower until tomorrow, rather than force the issue today and have him fall or something because he is feeling weak. I know with homecare, they only come in to give showers once a week. Anyway. I AM doing the best I can. I just keep praying that the Lord will give me strength and wisdom. I also pray that Wes won't get so weak that I can no longer care for him. He is over 100 lbs. larger than I am, and if he cannot support some of his weight in order to work with me on transfers, etc., I would no longer be able to keep him home. That thought scares me to death. I've seen the difference between being cared for at home, and being cared for in an excellent nursing facility. HOME is BETTER!!

I'm seeing a pattern for life. Things get a little more difficult, and then I adjust. They coast along for a while, get a little more difficult, and then I adjust again. I'm getting so I don't quite panic so much when the "episodes" come or things change. I tell myself, okay, we'll adjust. I feel bad for Wes, though. His cognitive abilities are giving him problems from time-to-time. It comes and goes. He had trouble remembering that his brother had two sons the other day. And today couldn't remember a place that we had been to just a little while ago. It is hard to have our shared memories not be shared any more. And even more difficult to not be able to discuss things of depth. We could always have such good talks about Bible verses, or growth issues. Those things close to your heart. He can't keep up anymore (and he is so much smarter than I ever was). He will tell me he just can't follow what I'm saying. He will talk with the kids on the phone, and I'll ask for the news, as soon as he hangs up, and he can't tell me anything of the conversations. I've told the kids that if they want me to know something, they'll have to tell me themselves, as he just cannot remember anything they talked about after he hangs up. It is so difficult. I look over at him, and there is my sweet husband -- the love of my life. But he really isn't fully there anymore. And I so desperately miss my dear husband.

I keep praying for wisdom and strength. I know I can trust the Lord. I just wish I could see the wisdom and feel the strength.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I will continue to try to be optimistic.