MadisonJan's Blog

  • entries
  • comments
  • views

Sunday's attempt at optimism



Well, I've never done a blog before -- or even a diary or journal. But today is the day. Wes is feeling extremely weak today. He is always weak; but today he doesn't even have enough strength for me to give him a shower. So I didn't. I don't know if that is neglectful -- I don't think so. I would rather put off the shower until tomorrow, rather than force the issue today and have him fall or something because he is feeling weak. I know with homecare, they only come in to give showers once a week. Anyway. I AM doing the best I can. I just keep praying that the Lord will give me strength and wisdom. I also pray that Wes won't get so weak that I can no longer care for him. He is over 100 lbs. larger than I am, and if he cannot support some of his weight in order to work with me on transfers, etc., I would no longer be able to keep him home. That thought scares me to death. I've seen the difference between being cared for at home, and being cared for in an excellent nursing facility. HOME is BETTER!!


I'm seeing a pattern for life. Things get a little more difficult, and then I adjust. They coast along for a while, get a little more difficult, and then I adjust again. I'm getting so I don't quite panic so much when the "episodes" come or things change. I tell myself, okay, we'll adjust. I feel bad for Wes, though. His cognitive abilities are giving him problems from time-to-time. It comes and goes. He had trouble remembering that his brother had two sons the other day. And today couldn't remember a place that we had been to just a little while ago. It is hard to have our shared memories not be shared any more. And even more difficult to not be able to discuss things of depth. We could always have such good talks about Bible verses, or growth issues. Those things close to your heart. He can't keep up anymore (and he is so much smarter than I ever was). He will tell me he just can't follow what I'm saying. He will talk with the kids on the phone, and I'll ask for the news, as soon as he hangs up, and he can't tell me anything of the conversations. I've told the kids that if they want me to know something, they'll have to tell me themselves, as he just cannot remember anything they talked about after he hangs up. It is so difficult. I look over at him, and there is my sweet husband -- the love of my life. But he really isn't fully there anymore. And I so desperately miss my dear husband.


I keep praying for wisdom and strength. I know I can trust the Lord. I just wish I could see the wisdom and feel the strength.


Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I will continue to try to be optimistic.


Recommended Comments

Welcome to blogging! You did great for 1st time ever doing something like this.


As a Survivor, I can understand how, at times, it is hard to remain optimistic. Do you have a support system? Are you able to take "Me" time away from caregiving so you get a break?


I feel you were wise to not push the shower issue if he was weak. Neither one of you need broken bones to deal with also.


You still have your dear sweet husband - just a different version. Hang onto the memories created on lucid days - those memories can help you get through the "not so good days"



Link to comment

Hi MadisonJane:


erlcome to our tight knit blogging world, I ditto Donna's sentiments, I am survivor, but I can feel your pain of seeing your husband different, but I can tell you truthfully, he is still there,it's just little different now. I am sure in time you will create lot of new memories with new Wes, I look at my stroke as second chance to make best out of my life. Blogging I have found very therupetic.





Link to comment

Do not feel you are neglecting Wes for not forcing the shower on him; nursing home (and a good one) only gavr showers teice a week; other times it was a sponge bath in the bathroom which was impossible to get a wheelchair in and out of without butmping into walls. It definitely was not designed by someone in a wheelchair. Acute rehab had showers daily. I understand they charge $1000.00 a day so they can afford the personnel.


As the others have said, your sweet husband is still here, just a little different. Have you been given any help on something that you could say etc. to remind him. Would video games and puzzkes etc. help any?


I'm sure it is difficult but by telling the children that they should tell you anything they want you to know.


You do sound like you are learning the routine and soon, you will be a pro like the rest of our caregivers.


Great job with the blog and :welcome:



Link to comment

Madison Jane you have said some of the things that are on my own heart. How much I too miss the two way conversations, the animated discussions, the shared memories. Sounds like your Wes has vascular or multifarct dementia and it is slowly stealing his mind away as it is Ray also. I really grieve for you and for all who go through this painfully slow erosion of relationship caused by dementia.


We still have our partners with us and yet the relationship is not the same. I guess this is a test of our love and commitment and being strong women we will get through it somehow.


Just remember you are not alone, many on this site are thinking of you and praying for you.



((((Hugs)))) from Sue.

Link to comment
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.