Eleven months ago, to the day, I had my "little episode" as I like to call it.

You would think after all this self-analysis I could feel comfortable in my role as Stroke Survivor, but I'm still a work in progress.

My blogging is sporadic, mostly when I've spent too much time in my own head and need to gain some perspective. (That's one of my favorite terms 'perspective' :blush: )

Everyone around me has accepted me the way I am now. My husband is patient with my tiredness, my kids are more helpful, my friends take me as I am. So why can't I?

People say this is a time to stop and smell the roses, to slow down and appreciate things. But I was no ball of fire to begin with! I always spent time with my kids, enjoyed my garden, pursued my hobbies. It's just harder now.

I keep trying to 'fix' myself and it's not working. This past week I found some new websites and was quite gung-ho on self-improvement.

One interesting site showed a method of visualization, where concentrating on movement during therapy helps the brain reconnect. Fifteen minutes of watching my left foot gave me a headache

One of the forums here mentioned a site that had brain exercises, so I had to jump in.

The exercises were great, but then I had to venture to the "dark side". I couldn't resist the IQ section.

First I used their calculator to estimate my former IQ, based on my SATs. Then I tried their IQ test to reassure myself. Wrong! According to them I have lost over 20 points

I know, I know, those numbers don't mean anything! But going from a respectable 139 to an 'adequate' 117 brought me to tears.

I am still my own worst enemy. I count my blessings and then shoot myself in the foot. Maybe next month after I've reached the magical one year anniversary, I will be able to gain this elusive acceptance that lurks beyond my grasp.

Til then I'll just go back to my garden and smell my roses