Looking back through my own blog - I can't believe that it has been since January since I have been on the site. THIS HAS BEEN THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I COULD HAVE MADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My stress level has blown the top off the meter. Chris has really become a handful. I feel like I am taking care of a 52 year old baby.
I absoultely have no time for myself - I am stressed to the max.
The past 7 days have been the worst. Last Thursday when Chris had his routine doctors appt. - he had a low grade fever. Well this fever lasted for 7 days. At least once a month he is diagnosed with a bladder infection. It is just constant antibiotics. This past weekend he has done nothing but sleep. Monday we spent the whole day into the evening in the ER. He still had the fever, complaining of severe back pain, internal chills along with the sleeping and at times his speech was slurred. He had every test possible that day and everthing came back negative. At this point probably something viral - so the doctor put him on 5 days of prednisone to try to boost his system.
Lately he no longer asks for the urinal he just keeps wetting himself. I feel that I need to put him on a bladder program - but what really bothers me is that he knows when he has to go - it seems like he is doing this for attention. Tonight I needed to run to the store - I was only gone for about 45minutes and by the time I got back he had soaked through an incontience pad, brief, his shorts - the pad on his recliner and the recliner itself had gotten wet. I asked him why he did this and he starts giving me every reason under the sun. We continued to talk about this and he admitted to me that he has control of his bladder and that he shouldn't have done what he did. He also is doing the same with his bowels. It seems to me that he is getting mad at me when I need to run errands or have work that needs to get done and he is not getting all the attention. I finally told him tonight that I was no longer going to deal with this and that I was going to buy him rubber pants to wear. I also explained to him the amount of extra work and wash it makes for me. He now tells me that we will have to hire a nurse to come take care of him , when he wets himself the nurse can just take care of it. I told him that this will never happen because we cannot afford to hire a nurse. I also reminded him that this is the what he used to do in the nursing home that he would be wet for hours and that he is starting to smell like urine and at his young age I didn't think he wanted to smell like that. Also I again explained to him how bad this is for his skin.
In all areas Chris has gotten to the point where he wants total attention. I feel like he knows how far he is constantly pushing me and when I get frustrated and angry it is almost like he feeds on it. He's gettting attention - but NEGATIVE attention. He doesn't seem to mind what type of attention just so he gets it.
I think what I need to do now is come up with a different plan. I am spending more and more time attending to his needs and less and less time attending to my own. I need to revamp the activities of his day - starting from the time he gets out of bed in the morning to how long I let him drink coffee after breakfast to end with an earlier bedtime so that I can have the time I need.
I almost feel like I just brought him home from the nursing home and we are back at the beginning.
I have lately been feeling like maybe I should have left him in the nursing home so that the professionals could have dealt with all this. I feel like a nurse maid and not his wife.
The worst thing I did was not stay in touch with my "support group." Believe me - this is not a job you can do all by yourself.