IRATE

I really get tired of sounding negative but I think in some aspects, its part of the process of healing. After all, surviving a stroke is not a picnic in the park. I don't know about you all, but I have experienced things I never thought my body or my mind would feel. First we deal with the "Why me?" question. As time goes on, we deal with the practicality of our situation, we start to accept and go day to day. Some of us do the very best we can and will try just about anything to get ourselves back to the "norm."

Its not just our bodies we contend with, though. Its our "new" status amongst family and friends. Some friends stick by through thick and thin. Some family members stick by us through thick and thin. If we have those kind of people in our lives, we are the very lucky survivors. I feel this strong support, this positive support is very important to us. Friends and family who understand, may not be able to empathize w/ us but they do understand and hold us up during the "down" times. In my life, I am so very grateful to have my friends in my life.

One of my strongest core values is to treat everyone no less than who they are; no one has the right to think they are better than anyone else. Each of us is unique to the world; there is no one else like us in the world. We all present different quirks and character of our being to the world. I love this diversity and perhaps it is one of the main reasons why I so much enjoyed working in the hospitality business. As I met different people, so many people, in my line of work, I loved the different perspectives, ideas, learning their core values, learning about their life experiences that made them the people they are today. For my friends and my family, I feel strongly that I have the honor and the duty to promote them as the people they are, the people I love. I would hope this would be reciprocated but I cannot control what they do or how they feel. I would only hope that they felt I was worthy of the same treatment.

When I first started this blog, I was so grateful because this gave me a sounding board, if you will. A place where I could vent my frustrations. Write from my emotional pain. This site was a place where I found support and understanding of my feelings. Some in my family destroyed that. I am not sure that this was from any of my immediate family as I would hope I would have their support and they would "have my back" at all times. No, I believe it was someone in one of the in-law families. Someone who had the right to read my blog but did not have the right to speak about it in such negative tones; who mistook the meanings I wrote in my blog. So now my family is upset. They say I portray them in a negative light. That was never my intent. I write from my pain. If I write that it hurts me because I have a brother who lives "a couple villages" from me and I can count on one hand the times I have seen him in the past year, that is a negative thing to write but it is the truth. That is not something I created. If I write that my young son does not see me very often because he and his wife are too busy. My young son and his wife have things going on every weekend through November and cannot have me up for a visit, that is a negative to write about. It is negative because it comes from my pain. I can think of several ways they can spend time with me where it doesn't interfere with their weekend events but it shouldn't be my role to figure out how we can spend time together. To me, that would be imposing myself into their lives. If they want me in their lives, they will figure out a way to make that happen. I don't mean that the onus should always be on them. Relationships are a two way street. To date, I feel like I have been pulling the strings and I'm not going to do that. It isn't fair to them to insinuate myself into their lives until they are ready to have me visit.

I write about my emotions and my family. I have told them all that they are more than welcome to read my blog. But if they make that decision, then they should be prepared to read about my truth. The person who found my blog and spoke so negatively about it has no right to do that. Sometimes, I write about situations I need to handle with other people. This helps me find a good way, a diplomatic way, hopefully, of handling situations with which I need to cope. If I didn't have this filter, I might just be angry and cause a fight, perhaps say harsh words I would regret later. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Perhaps, post-stroke, I don't have the quickness of coming up w/ the right way of handling things right away. It helps to write about it first. It is MY right to deal with it in MY way and MY time. Not someone who doesn't understand the nuances of the situations.

My family is made up of nice people. They live their lives to the best of their ability each day. They have great friends. They have interesting jobs. My sons want to start families. They have their lives, as does my brother. I fear, though, they all have fallen victim to the ICK factor. Sometimes I walk w/ a walker. Sometimes I don't and I lurch like a drunken sailor. Some days, my walking is better than others. But I am always a dizzy broad. If I am lucky and I have been really lucky for a long time, perhaps some of these symptoms will dissipate. That's what we all want. We all want to be back to normal again. To that end, I will try anything at least once, within reason. I have come up with some ideas, which I will share in another blog. I am afraid I have been too verbose again. Thanks for reading, listening and hopefully understanding. Take Care. LK