I'm not sure why it's easier for me to blog when things are great. Maybe it's because I want to share the good times but feel more secure holding the not so good things in so you don't see the real me. It's easier that way.
I can't deny that this has probably been the most difficult week we have had since any of Bill's strokes. Of course we have dealt with the challenges of the vascular dementia for about a year in a real serious way. A year ago Bill was hospitalized with anemia and at that time he was prescribed Namenda which has worked very well with managing his dementia and cognitive issues. Even though I was told this wasn't a permanent fix, and Bill's overall condition is probably much better than it "should" be that does not mean I haven't doubted the neurologist has known what he was talking about. It seemed to me from the very onset that Bill's neurologist was too pessimistic.
We have had a great year.It hasn't been an easy year. BUT, Bill hasn't spent hours every week at one doctor or another. Everything has been going really well. Then - wham-mo - last Thursday everything changed. I still don't know why. I probably never will. It has been a real roller coaster of a week. The one thing that is different though is Bill's resignment to the SNF/Rehab Facility. He hasn't asked one time when he will be coming home. He is perfectly content. That just isn't the way he has been. He isn't asking to go out. He isn't telling me he's going nuts being there. It's all too strange for words.
You know there isn't much exciting to write about when life presents these challenges. I can tell you that I know Who is in control and it isn't me. I am learning that I may not be Bill's hand's on caregiver right now, but that doesn't mean I am not care-giving. It has been my advice to others to understand our own limitations. I've said to many others that THEY need to realize where their loved one would be should they no longer be able to care for them. And now, I've spent this week doing a lot of self-talk about this very thing.
And so, I will listen to my own advice to others and I will allow others to care for my beloved for as long as is necessary. I will release my caregiver role and will take back my role as wife. I will support Bill, I will advocate for Bill, I will cheer Bill on - and I will allow others to help him to get stronger if that is possible. I won't look 30 days into the future, or 60 days into the future and I won't make decisions based on what others may say or wish - unless those people are in a place where they can do their part in care-giving - not in just going to visit for 1/2 hour every other day.