I have 5 kids... FIVE children. It's not that I don't believe in birth control it's that I was never organized or disciplined enough to use it consistently. Maybe people who are that undisciplined shouldn't have kids at all. But in my case, too late.

What I feel for these kids is absolutely fierce but I'm not sure I know a thing about maternal love. I'm also a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. These kids have been through hell because of that. I hear all the time in the meetings I go to about things people do in the face of their addictions and I share my own stories. But I try not to confuse bad behavior with alcoholic behavior and I don't think I was the right woman to give all these kids to. Again, too late...

I understand I can write anything I want here. Right now I want to write about my kids. I'll start with the youngest.

Jake. I named him after my Polish grandfather. He's 14 now and lives in New Mexico with people I don't even know. My oldest daughter and her husband adopted him after I lost custody of my 4 minor children at the time...I think it was July 2001. The last time I saw him was around Christmas 2000 at Child Haven, a shelter for abused and neglected children. He'd just turned 7 in September. He thought I was there to take him home. I'll never forget his face that day. I could never go back after that.

I've talked to him on the phone. My son-in-law died on Father's Day 2005 and after that Jake went to live with his adopted Grandmother. His name is Jack now. She asked me not to call him but he calls me and so unless they can stop me legally I'll keep doing it. I abandoned him once. I won't do it again. How many times should he have to go through that?

Katy is 17. She has her own drug and alcohol problems. Since I've been sober she's been a constant part of my life. Still a ward of the state, at one point CPS arranged an independent living situation with me as her guardian. But she can't stay sober and settled. Lately she's been spending days at an apartment just upstairs from me getting high. I don't know where she spends her nights or where she gets her money. She keeps saying she's going into treatment and when she does I'll be as much a part of her recovery as I have with Joey. And it could happen...Joey didn't die when he could have, I'm sober and nobody ever thought that would happen. Would things be different for Katy if she was born to another mother? Maybe. But that's not how it happened.

Joey is the middle child. He's 19 now. He thought he'd never talk to me again after what he went through as a child. When he was at Child Haven I was at a women's shelter. Joey and my other son, Jesse, came in with a gorup of boys from Child Haven to hand out Christmas cards. We were all surprised to see each other. He gave me a look that said, "Please don't act like you know me!" So I didn't. Now, since his accident, people say, "It must be really hard to be back home living with your mom." He just says, "No, I like it." But if I sometimes miss a phone call or he doesn't know where I am he starts to panic. Kids should feel more secure that that with their parents.

My oldest son is Jesse. He'll be 21 in January. He's on his way here right now. He works security at night and he just got off work. I'm going to make breakfast for him.

Right after they took the kids to Child Haven, he ran away and came home. He was 13. He stopped at a grocery store and filled a cart with food and pushed it home. He thought if there was food in the house the state would let them come home. I let him spend the night and called my oldest daughter the next day. The police came to the house to take him back to the shelter. They put him in handcuffs and drove him away...

While he was in boot camp I wrote him every day. At his graduation he said he'd never known what it was like to have so much support. I hadn't seen him with tears in his eyes since he was a little boy. It's a wonder he even talks to me. I'm going to make him a big breakfast. Feeding my children means more to them and to me than it does to most people.

Sara. She's 32. She has three children. When she and her husband came to take the kids she said she was terrified she'd turn out to be like me and do the same things to her kids that I did to mine. And she has done some of those things. And I know how she feels. We don't really talk but when Joey was in the hospital we did. It wasn't easy for her. I saw my grandsons...one of them for the first time. She gave me pictures of them.

I have 5 beautiful children. I don't know why I'm their mom. I don't know how it's done. My mom died when I was 13 and I swear, I look at normal mothers and don't have a clue how to be one.

I do love my kids, though. With everything in me as much as I can.

Time to go cook breakfast!