If you have read Sue's blogs and my blogs you no doubt have noticed the comparisons I make between her Ray and my Bill. Their conditions really do parallel one another so if I write about a particular challenge, you can bet Sue has been experiencing it as well - or will in the future.

In the past Bill has experienced very obvious and sudden steps down in his mental and physical health. The changes seem to be more subtle now. He has always been fastidious about himself, but now is less interested in showering and shaving. These activities now require my prompting and of course, my assistance. He struggles with his cane. He is very slow when he walks and the cane seems to confuse him. He does better at times just holding my hand - even though I know the physical therapists would have a heart attack if they saw him!

I'm finding it more necessary to have my weekly three hour reprieve. He decided last week he was going to rebel at caregiver time. Wednesday he slept a lot during the day and when night came he was up and down. I doubt I ever went into a deep sleep. He's begun wanting to nap in the evening when I can't sleep yet. Then when I can settle down he awakens and wants a snack. And he wants to snack and on and on.....I've had to tell him NO because his sugar has been so out of control. He falls asleep right away, I'm not even sure he's awake when he wants food The scene is repeated about every hour until three, then he's out till morning.

Thursday he knew his care partner was scheduled to come so he ignored me when I was attempting to get him up and ready. I finally resorted to bullying to get him up and going. I hate that. When my kids were little I didn't view it as bullying, I viewed it as directing, correcting bad habits....it's just different when it's my husband, the love of my life and the one who I don't want to disappear. I don't pray for patience.....I pray for grace to accept this path we walk because I really don't want the lessons necessary to develop patience. All I really want is to go through this experience lovingly.

Right now I'm feeling the sadness associated with the loss I'm feeling. I know it's the five stages of grief. I still need to walk through it and I don't like it very much. I haven't ever asked "why me" simply because I don't feel I was singled out for punishment - I think that's what most feel when they ask that question. The other part of it is that Bill had ALL the habits that lead to stroke vulnerability as far as lifestyle goes. He had diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease plus a history of stroke in his family. He was also a heavy smoker until the night he had his third stroke. So, I can't imagine how I could every have the audacity to question 'why?'. I have always hoped that our experiences could be used for good.

I'm hoping we will close on our new home the end of June. We are scheduled to close July 3rd, however I really would like to be in by the 1st of July. I just want to get moved with as little disruption to Bill's schedule as possible. He has never been good at dealing with a move in the best of times, so I'm hoping to keep him as comfortable through it all as humanly possible. One thing we do is to go out to the house everyday. The other day we were sitting in the drive and he asked, "now what house is this?" You don't think I just about panicked? I just keep on keeping on, hoping he has a good day when we sign the papers!