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Family or Foe?


tinker

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I know, I know, but I still have trouble comprehending, in fact to tell the truth i still don't get it. I have been abandonded (and that is not too strong of a word) by all family. We do not have any children. I have not heard from his son since January. Me and his brother had a "disagreement" months ago and my "wonderful" sister in law (his wife), so I don't hear from them either. My sister stopped talking to me two months ago because me and my mother had an arguement and my mother told her about it. Me and my mother worked it out the next day. I was alone on my birthday, Easter and saw my mother for 40 min on Mothers day. I was also alone on fathers day. In fact I am alone most of the time if I am not at the hospital or work. My mother calls me but never asks how my husband is. We drove somewhere last week and we were in the car for about forty minutes and she never asked about my husband. She told me about two months ago that "I need to get on with my life and make new friends that didn't know me and my husband, join a group or something". She also told me that this is about "Mickey(my husband) and not you (me)". I was stunned speechless. I said to her "Mom its only been 8 months" and she said "eight months is a long time". She knows I have been diagnosed with depression and take medicine and see a therapist. I feel shunned. I didn't think shunning could happen in 2008, especially by family. Is it me? I think not.

 

I think that they don't want to be around someone who is unhappy. Sorry. The love of my life is sick and needs me and I will not abandone him because they are uncomfortable. I try very hard to be positive and upbeat. He cannot talk or walk so I must be his advocate. He is in a place (skilled nursing facility) where they can and will ignore patients, the staff needs to see family taking an interest. This is not the life I would pick for anyone but this is what I have and I must deal with it or my husband will be worse. A little support or a phone call would be nice.

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I am so sorry. Deaths, weddings, births, and illness can bring out the worst in some families. I have no solution except to say my thoughts are with you.

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Sharon, surprisingly enough this is not an uncommon story. I think it is easy to "pick a fight" with someone and then use that as an excuse for not helping out, supporting them etc. BUT it is true we caregivers are extra sensitive and because of all that is on our minds sometimes can't make the effort to keep up with family. And that includes listening to their troubles instead of telling them ours, which of course is what we USED to do.

 

When Ray was well I never asked anyone for anything, Ray and I were always the ones helping out. After he had the strokes and it was obvious he wasn't going to have the instant cure most of the family on his side abandoned ship. BUT we have been blessed by a lot of people I wouldn't have thought of as friends until they stepped out and helped us out. There are a lot of good people out there and you will connect with some of them when you get into more of a routine and have the time to look around you again.

 

You are moving on with your life, you have joined a group (Strokenet) you are helping others in blogging and chatting. Tell your mother that "when I talk to Sue, she says" and then tell her because of joining Strokenet you now have friends from all over the world, not just the next suburb over. This really is a support group in every sense of the word.

 

Hope things get better for you soon.

 

Sue.

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Sharon,

As Sue said this is not an uncommon story. You have not necessarily been abandoned, I think you are rather being avoided. Think about it...would you call a friend or someone in your family to check on how they were doing knowing the answer was less than rosy without knowing the right thing to do would be to offer to help? Of course not. So how do you not put yourself in that position at all? You just don't call or ask and avoid the situation completely or suggest they abandon it. Nobody takes the time to consider that you might notice that they're not calling or asking; they're too busy trying to sidestep getting sucked in. It's not that they don't love or care about you, but rather that if they get too close they may somehow be imposed on. I'm sure if you think about it objectively you'll see these people always had these traits, you're just now seeing them applied to you so take it from where it comes. You know we love you and are your friends and are always here for you.

Love you,

Rea :friends:

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Sharon,

 

As the saying goes, you can pick your friends but not your family. So sorry to hear the family is acting this way; I understand as I've experienced the same thing. If it wasn't for having my adolescent daughter I'd probably not hear from any of them. There is love and support here in our cyber family.

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Thank you all for reading my blogs. As i said I did it as an outlet. Your comments touched my heart and made me feel that I am not alone. I am so fortunate to have found this websight. The family thing was such a shocker for me and to hear that it happens to others helps me understand. Rea you are right they always had these qualities. My therapist told me the same thing. I would like to think that I would help someone in a similiar situation and not run away or avoid it, but who knows. Donna Im happy that you have your daughter- it must be a joy. Sue as always you seem to be able to say just the perfect thing. I will continue to blog because it helps me to vent. I do have a few very dear people who help me and I am grateful for these angels.

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tink (sharon),

 

there isn't much more i can add except to let you know i'm sorry your family doesn't realize that their hurtful actions have an effect. when you married your husband and made the vows, it was a lifetime commitment to your marriage; and that cannot be shaken. the things you expressed says a lot about the kind of woman you are. you're a survivor in a different sense, and we're here to offer all the support you need!

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