Yes, it is the little things you miss. Ray was Mr Fix-it and a leaking tap, squeaking door or sticking drawer, once discovered, would be fixed as part of his next Saturday morning chores. Now the place is slowly falling down and I don't have the expertise to fix it nor the money to pay for it to be fixed.

I think it is so sad to live with the body of the man you love in the house but the mind elsewhere.

(((Hugs))) from Sue.

Janine,

They are not crazt notes. He is thinking the same things most of us do. Is it going to happen again and next time will I die? I escaped death this time how much longer do I have to live? I lost my entire life as I knew it. Who am I and what is my life now? Most of develop a deeper sense of faith in God. He who had none now seems to be thinking. Mmm I always thought these people were nuts, but after staring death in the face maybe they're not so crazy.

The brilliant mind seems to be rather intact, just having some issues with cognative dissonance. I think the notes are his version of blogging.

Maria :hug:

Sorry I wasn't clear...these are notes that he made before the stroke, not after. In reading his notes I feel like I was totally missing how much trouble he was in. Or, closer to the truth would be to say that I knew but chose not to intercede, which is worse. Not sure what I could have done, but it seems like he knew he was headed for a train wreck and did nothing to stop it, and neither did I. I believe he thought he was going to die, and that he didn't want to live anymore and was accepting of it. Imagine his surprise to find out that things are not always that clean! And mine, for that matter.

-Janine

Janine,

I don't think he had any preconceived notion this was going to happen nor wanted to die. He was probably considering his mortality just as many men his age do and his stroke was coincidental.

We all beat ourselves up swearing that there was some sort of warning that we hadn't heeded. Don't do it to yourself, it's not true. Your searching for a way to make sense of this, it doesn't make sense and it never will. I don't mean to sound so harsh but you can drive yourself nuts trying to figure out why and how it could have been prevented. It is what it is, I'm sorry but that's the bottom line ~ wouldn't change the present even if you could find an answer.

Maria

Janine:

It's natural to find warning signs before the train wreck but as Maria wisely put it, it will drive you insane thinking it could have been prevented. I strongly believe in destiny, and believe every incident in my life is there for my own spiritual growth, and I do find lot od positives from my stroke. I guess that is my coping mechanism right now. I hope you can find lot of positives from this extremely negative experience.

Asha

Janine,

Bill was convinced he would not live past 55 years of age. He had his first major stroke five days after his 55th birthday. I learned from his mother that he had talked for years about how long he felt he would live. Every so often he asks me, "how old am I now?" As you said, that which was in his mind is really still there. Bill should have gotten a doctorate, instead he has three masters degrees. He was an Academic through and through and as long as he could read and write he was invested in leaning. He taught Greek and when he was first in rehab he had difficulty recognizing letters and was seeing the letters as Greek symbols. As a Presbyterian minister he certainly has had a faith in God. In his complexity though, he has had a profound interest in things such as physics and Eastern religion. I remember listening to tape after tape of Deepak Chopra. Bill's "hobby" was herbal compounding. Dark side? I'll just say bipolar disorder and I think you will get a picture.

Alcoholics Anonymous' Ninth Step Promises includes this sentence: I'll not regret the past nor care to shut the door on it. I believe we need to acknowledge our past; the good, the bad and the ugly in order to accept our present. As I have read some of Bill's writings from the past I know that his thoughts are all part of him now. The stroke has stolen his ability to communicate the way he once did and his ability to perform tasks he once could, but he is part of the past.

Janine, I guess I am the opposite of you and Larry in that I have difficulty understanding how one could not believe in a Higher Power (the One I call God). I just can't imagine that man is the ultimate being or that all that is around us is the result of evolution or some sort of big bang, or even an accident. I'm sure I would go crazy if I looked back on the past and could find no purpose for it. My heart would be so heavy. It would all seem so useless. However, I don't feel that way at all. You see, I do believe that every experience in our lives knits together to form the tapestry of our who we are today.

Bill is an example to others of determination. He is an example of perserverence. He can no longer do the things he once did, but his life is far from over. Larry's isn't over either. It is different now. Recovery is so slow, Janine. Challenges just keep coming. The first year is a nightmare. Things get better - even though they don't always seem to be better. We have very few emergencies anymore.

Bill was almost 100% noncompliant with his medications before his strokes. He smoked heavily. He knew he should not smoke. He felt he could heal his heart problems through the use of herbs and diet. I can't look back and say, "what if?" because that isn't reality. Reality is that my husband had three strokes, he had warning signs, MAYBE he could have avoided the strokes - but then, there are a thousand other things that could have happened. We aren't in control of these things. We are where we are and you are where you are. What we do with today is a choice.

Hang in there, Girlfriend. Live each day for the day. Live each day - JUST FOR TODAY.

Love to you,

Ann

Oh, Ann - how I wish I had your faith...but I do believe that all of this is a random accident, and I don't think there is any higher power in the way that you're talking about, unless you accept physics and science as a higher power, which I suppose I do. I accept that there are many things that are beyond our capacity to understand, at least for now, but to me religion is like magic in the dark ages. There was a time when nobody understood what an eclipse was, and people thought it must be happening because the gods were angry. My personal opinion - and please believe me when I say that I do respect the opinions of others! - is that modern religion is only a few steps away from that kind of logic. The idea of taking something on faith is just abhorrent to me, and seems like a repudiation of everything that we as humans have the capacity to understand with the amazing brains that evolution has given us. But, enough small talk!

Oh, Ann - how I wish I had your faith...but I do believe that all of this is a random accident, and I don't think there is any higher power in the way that you're talking about, unless you accept physics and science as a higher power, which I suppose I do. I accept that there are many things that are beyond our capacity to understand, at least for now, but to me religion is like magic in the dark ages. There was a time when nobody understood what an eclipse was, and people thought it must be happening because the gods were angry. My personal opinion - and please believe me when I say that I do respect the opinions of others! - is that modern religion is only a few steps away from that kind of logic. The idea of taking something on faith is just abhorrent to me, and seems like a repudiation of everything that we as humans have the capacity to understand with the amazing brains that evolution has given us. But, enough small talk!