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A Melancholy Evening




I went to the "real age" website and took the test for Bill. He is 59 years old with a real age of 79.5 years. I think that may be a little young. I have looked at pictures of Bill since his strokes and certainly there is a rapid aging progression visible. Physically he probably isn't any worse than right after his strokes. In fact, we have very few emergencies anymore. He just keeps plugging along.


The changes now come from his Vascular Dementia. I just wish he could have some good days. There just aren't anymore. This morning he got up and had breakfast and spent about an hour with me in the kitchen before going back to bed. This afternoon he didn't remember that he'd even had breakfast. I think he wants to eat simply because he can't remember that he has eaten anything and he thinks he has to do so. He really doesn't seem to like or not like anything. Except that he loves his sushi!! He would eat only sushi if I let him. I wish I knew what that was all about. Crazy as it may seem, I'm thinking he is sublimating sushi for cigarettes.


Janine has been discussing Larry's apparent disinterest in therapy. I have been through that with Bill. He hated therapy. He saw no value in it and didn't feel it did any good. He has never seemed to want to work at recovery. I think it's so sad because had he wanted to work I wonder if he'd be where he is now? I can't look back and question "what if" though because "what if's" don't make any difference. We deal with today not yesterday and not tomorrow.


I can't deny my feelings at this time though. Unless I confront those feelings and work through them I won't grow from this experience. I'm coming to terms with my loss. I'm thankful that Bill isn't in a position anymore to even understand his losses. I certainly never expected eight years ago to be in this position now. I'm not angry or resentful either - I'm just very, very sad. I'm not sad about the past, but about the future. We had so many dreams about our future and those dreams just weren't in the plan for us.


Tonight I miss my Bill. I miss the Bill who used to hold my car door. I miss the way he used to tuck his shirt in. I miss his cooking. I miss the flowers he used to bring home for no reason at all. I miss his stories. It seems so strange that we only knew each other for three years and were only married a little over two years before the strokes hit and our lives were changed so dramatically.


I am so thankful for this site and the people I've gotten to know here and in my "real time" life. Without this illness I would never have formed the relationships with women I'm so thankful to have now. God is so good to us. He has protected us from so much hurt and anger. I can only continue to trust that He will take care of us through the rest of this journey.


I think I am probably a little more sensitive tonight because we got word today that Bill's first cousin passed away yesterday from another massive stroke. He has been with his parents since suffering his last stroke about a year before Bill had his. Another in the Rogers family of males stricken by stroke. Jimmy's brother passed away last September from the affects of stroke while Bill was in the SNF. That leaves Bill's brother David as the only male Rogers cousin to not have had a stroke. David is 55 and has high BP. I hope he is taking care of himself. I believe he is.


It is Saturday morning and I'm feeling better. Bill got me moving this morning by asking for his coffee at about 7. Of course when I went to the kitchen the cats wanted their breakfast. It's my routine in the morning - put the coffee on, feed the cats, clean the litter box. By the time I've finished the "chores" the coffee is almost finished. After I've picked up the kitchen it's time to pour the coffee.


Today I took coffee to the bedroom where I'd turned the morning news on. I checked Bill's blood sugar then gave him his morning dose of Lantus. It was a nice relaxed way to start the day. About 7:30 Bill asked about breakfast so we had a mixture of blueberries, blackberries and raspberries with Grapenuts and Light and Fit vanilla yogurt. We shared a bagel and Bill had a bowl of grits and egg. Bill is satisfied when he gets a taste of something we have to be careful about as we struggle with his sugar, and since I need to watch my food intake, a good way to accomplish both goals is to prepare one serving of foods and split it. This morning his blood sugar was 190 so he had 4 units of Humolog. This week he has had three great days with blood sugars of 105 and 106. Anything under 200 is good news and anything under 150 is great since I don't have to give him Humolog then. It is a slow process, but since we've been eating at home much more getting his blood sugar under control is easier.



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I just love you! At times I am amazed at the way you or Sue can put into writing things that hit right at home. It is sad isn't it. A deep sadness that we must live with but doesn't keep us from being thankful for those little things like berries for breakfast.


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I love reading the blogs as it helps me in caring for my husband Bill, he also does not like theraphy and says he is too old. He does go to Day therapy once a week between 9-30- 12.00 but it is not proper exercise one on one woth a physio therapist.


I wish I could write as well as you and Sue and a few others but I find it is hard to put into words my feelings.


Hugs to you


I am in Australia like Sue but in Melbourne



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