This is a blog about Ray and about me as the two of us are never seperated even though there is distance between us. Those forty years are the glue, our memories, our family, our network of friends, colleagues and supporters all combine to bind us together.

Ray has been in hospital a week now. The chest infection is just about cured although this one does seem to have a cough that lingers. Ray is looking much himself again. At this point of time it would be usual for the doctors to push for him to come home but he still needs some attention to some of the other underlying causes of his falls and increasing weakness so those are being looked at now.

Yesterday I signed consent forms for him to have whole blood products in order for his anemia to be treated. I don't like blood transfusions as a rule but the iron tablets haven't made a difference and as he is loosing blood "somewhere in his tract" they need to give him a boost to make him stronger for whatever lies ahead. That may be a "look see" to pick up where the problem is in his system. An endoscopy may be a problem in itself of course. The doctors also want him back on warfarin (coumadin) again so in order to do that they need to find the leak or he will bleed to death. The choices are never good are they?

Ray just sits in his chair by his bed and looks out of the window. It is sad sometimes to see him in that absent staring mode. I remember how animated he used to be, I remember the stories, the jokes, his quirky sense of humour. I remember the interaction between him and his mates, the rallying, the joshing, the male forms of teasing. Now all the mates are gone, as they can't handle the changes and as usual I am his main visitor again. It is quiet in his room, four people in beds but all of them old, in poor heart, in low spirits. The spouses and daughters come and go, the talk is quiet, it is a long way from what other couples in their early sixties are doing. I don't need "real age" charts to tell me Ray has moved a couple of decades away from where he should be right now.

But like veryone else who reads this I also have those in my circle who have lost daughters to breast cancer, sons to automobile accidents, small ones to those diseases our society still has yet to conquer, simple things like ashthma attacks or viruses of unknown origin, so I am still aware that we are lucky to have come this far. In years past Ray's conditions like diabetes and osteoporosis would not have been so well controlled. The medicine available to us is improving all the time. We are not there yet but we are getting there. The next generation may not have to sit and watch their partners deteriorate the way I am watching Ray today. I sure hope not.

I think my chest infection is almost done. The coughing through the night is the worst aspect of it as it is so disturbing. The sore throat, runny nose etc is just like any other heavy cold. The whole deal seems to have made me feel very weak so all I have been doing is a little housework and driving to and from the hospital. I haven't visited Mum at all in case this is something she can catch. And I don't want to hasten anyone to the grave by my need to see her.

There will be more tests for Ray this week, hopefully some physio and maybe by mid-week he will be up on his feet and home. I am expecting contact from the continence nurse as obviously his incontinence is still going to be a problem. I chiefly need help in making the bed in a way that ensures a quick change and also setting myself up with the appropriate linens, pads, aids etc. The problems sometimes march across my mind when I wake up in the night: Ray's slowness, his memory lapses, his confusion, his lack of co-operation, his loss of continence. I can see Ray as a problem and not a person. And that is not good for our on-going relationship.

Here on this board we all have problems. The problems vary to a greater or lesser degree and with some similarities. We all struggle in our own little world. But happily we can all be part of a loving and supportive community. We just all need that extra dash of goodwill to do it.