I hope I was there for you
Entry posted by swilkinson
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The last few nights have been really bad for me for some reason. Maybe the anxiety which I bury quite firmly during the day comes to the surface at night when my will is no longer strong enough to defeat it. I try not to lay there going over the problems of the day, I try to pray and meditate and bring positive thoughts back into my mind but it is not easy.
I had a friend who lived to be 102, when she was about 95 she discovered that being a light sleeper and waking up in the wee small hours gave her a lot more time for prayer. So she informed friends and church members that they could ring her with their problems and have a good night's sleep knowing that she was praying for them during the night. No need for us all to be awake, she told them.
The EEG was done yesterday for Ray so I hope to find out if he has been having fits and if so is there a medication that will help with that. If he hasn't been having fits then I guess the black-outs are due to another reason, maybe TIAs and will have to be treated accordingly. It is all a bit of a lottery isn't it? The docs do tests from 1-5, 6-10, 11-15 etc and if you don't have any of those things well they put the problem in the too hard basket and you get to live with it, or die from it.
This week I am having the built-in wardrobe fitted in our bedroom. It has lots of shelves and compartments so I am hoping it will be a place where I can not only put things but be able to easily find them again. I am replacing the other wardrobe with a linen cupboard so I can have the bedlinen etc where I can access it easily for quick bed changes - yes even at 3am I shoud be organised! The dressing table is going, it is old and long since served out it's purpose and I may need a lifter for Ray in the future so that will make the room for that. The bedroom is becoming more the sickroom now, not an idea I like but to be practical it has to happen.
Ray still hasn't had any physio but he is on the list. The staff is working with low numbers as the nurses and therapists are also down with all the current viruses and so those who can work are just skimming the surface of the needs of the patients. The OTs came yesterday, did a ten minute assessment on Ray and vanished promising to get back to him if they have time during the week. I understand about the shortage but shudder at the thought of all those people who are missing out on the treatment they need because of the current batch of viruses and other illnesses that are plaguing the staff.
I am in the usual predicament of having only a handful of people to turn to in the lonely hours. Being in the retirement bracket means most of our contemporaries, newly retired, are doing the round Australia trip, wintering in the sunny climes of northern Queensland and the Northern Territory or jetting off to Europe and Asia and doing the tourist thing there. That leaves me and the over eighties to talk to each other. Luckily I have a lot of nice acquaintances that I can talk to on the phone at night. But they don't drive the 45 minutes to the hospital so that leaves Ray without visitors too. I am sure a lot of folk are thinking of us, I just wish some of them would reach for the phone and give me a call occassionally.
So I have been thinking of all the people I have let down in my time. I have always tried to be there for others but lately with Ray as my primary focus that has not been as possibe as it once was. Maybe I too have not reached for the phone, sent out a sympathy card or dropped by to see friends in hospital, in need or in sorrow. Maybe now is the time to mend some of those fences and get back into right relationship with some of those former friends. Or is it all too late and too hard once Ray is back in my care again?
If I had a wish right now it would be to contact former friends and say: "I hope I was there for you in your hour of need."
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