I am not the only one here who has trouble accepting changes, Ray with his dementia is not able to change his thinking and so we had a chain of events happen today that was to do with that.

As you know I had a new built-in closet ordered and it was mostly built by the time Ray got back home after three weeks in hospital. He doesn't process much information now (dementia) and so I have made a point of taking him through where all his clothes are now etc. So it surprised me that the carer had to call out to me on Thursday when I was chatting to Babsz. "Where are your drawers?" this was a giggle inducing question as when I was young we still called panties "drawers", and I was sure our very proper carer was not referring to my underwear! But instead he was looking for some clean ones for Ray. Ray had told him: "they are in my drawers" which was true right up to two weeks ago. So I slipped into the bedroom and showed Jeff where to find everything.

Act 2: Today we had a carer who has been here on and off since about June. She is a no-nonsense person who doesn't particularly listen to the primary caregiver/wife/partner etc. I wanted her to be familiar with where Ray's clothes are now but she wouldn't look at the wardrobe saying: "I can't, I am not allowed to get clothes out for him. It is against the law!" This was a bit of a problem as I could see Ray pouring his morning drink down his shirt ( he did on Wednesday) and her refusing to change him. So I went off to see Mum, go shopping etc somewhat reluctantly.

My second stop, after seeing Mum and walking round and round the corridors of the Dementia Lodge with her, was the dementia support group I go to. I am so grateful for them, they are very supportive, the lectures we get are very informative and quite a few of our questions are given sensible, doable answers. This has saved my sanity in a lot of cases as our mentor explains to us that we have to change as our survivor with dementia cannot change now. Sad but true is seems.

Anyway I asked why the carer cannot look in the wardrobe for fresh clothes for Ray ( well Jeff does) and he explained it was a legal no-no when they are caring for a dementia patient as the recipient of their care may have paranoia and accuse them of stealing etc. He said while that is true common sense has to have the say and of course they need to know where clothes etc are and use them if the situation arises. This means me giving the carer permission to go to Ray's part of the closet, get out the clothes he needs and shutting the doors etc. Well, thank goodness for common sense.

So I went off shopping and on my return rang the service provider and ran it past her. She was hard to convince at first but rang the carer, spoke to a couple of other people ( apparently) and rang me back to say I was right, the longer respite required that the carer "may" have to find clothing and put it on the client. Yes, a common sense approach to life, an assessment of the risk, a plan for the future. Yeeeeaaah!

Every time a caregiver decides to do something he or she has to assess the risks. There are dangers in everything we (Ray and I ) do. He has so many issues now including the added risk of choking if he is given unsuitable foods or unthickened fluids. I tried him on a milkshake today thinking that that was slightly thickened and would be okay but he had a coughing fit while drinking that so it was thickened fluids for the rest of the day. So the risk assessment is serious for a lot of what we do.

There is a risk of falling as well as choking. Which is why I now have to take him down the driveway in the wheelchair or by backing him down in the car as since the three weeks "bed rest" in hospital he is less agile and more prone to falls. So as in order for him to go to Daycare I have to load him onto the bus from the kerbside (long story). So now instead of him sitting on the verandah and waiting till they pull into the driveway, I now have to have him ready and waiting at the kerbside. @#*&%###! More work for the caregiver.

I have to keep in mind that I can change but Ray can't. However annoying I find his behaviour and some of it is, he cannot change it at will. I just have to learn to live with it or find a way to circumvent it. None of this is easy. I am as human as anyone here and of course I want him to change back into a reasoning and reasonable human being. But dementia has the last word here and that is not going to happen. He will do whatever his altered perception tells him to do. He is not beyond walking or talking but in a lot of ways now he is beyond reasoning his way through a situation. This often leaves him frustrated and confused. And me thinking of him as mean-spirited and lazy. Which of course is not the case. He has dementia. Full stop.

If anyone here finds accepting changes easy, let me know your secret. I do the one-day-at-a-time thing, say the serenity prayer, try to go-with-the-flow. The problem is the flow is not necessarily going somehere I want to go!