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i hear you but..


CagedBird

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Look there is nothing I can do for myself. I talked to a psychologist years ago but my insurance would not cover it and i am too busy with school, community service, and clubs to even try to get a ride to the psychlogisyt everyday. antidepressants? nope. i attempted suicide a couple times before by overdosing on some old meds so no shrink is going to give me medicine. school sounselor? nope. i used to talk to her last year and she didnt help at all. this year she doesnt even return my phone calls and she is never in her office. i dont trust my peers enough to tell them my problems and my bestfriend is always preoccupied with her boyfriend. i try to talk to God but he wont talk back. dont worry about me committing suicide. i already tried and it doesnt work. i even pray for God to take me at night before i go to sleep. nothing works. im just doomed to suffer on this horrible earth. yeah i am young. i have my whole life ahead of me. thinking of that just makes me even more sad. i experienced more at a younger age than most people do at midlife crisis and i never heard that life will get easier. just something i wrote the other night

Take me away from the clouds overhead

Take me away from the land of the dead

Take me away from the lies and distrust

Take me away from the temptations and lust

Take me away from the economic crisis

Take me away from the high gas prices

Take me away from the violence and crimes

Take me away from the signs of the times

Take me away from the little faith and disbelief

Take me away from the overwhelming grief

Tae me away from the argments and fights

Take me away from the sleepless nights

Take me now, my last request

Into the kingdom of happiness

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Katrina,

 

What are you talking about? You have a special gift in your poetry. Use it.

 

Do some research on Joni Earecksen Tada. Joni broke her neck in a diving accident and was completely paralyzed, but she made a life for herself. She would be an inspiration to you, and you can be an inspiration to others. You have gotten yourself into a funk and you have to find a way to get out of it. Can you whistle? I can't, but I wish I could. Whistling sounds so cheerful.

 

Vi

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katrina, i am surprised at you. god never gives us more than we can handle. you have come so far, you cant throw in the towel and give up on your life now. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i think you need to go sit in a pretty place like a park or garden and just take in the beauty of it and relax for awhile. can you talk to a pastor from your church or another family member for help with your problems. we all have our problems in life to deal with. stay focused in school. find an inspirational book to read like mema suggested. to show you life is not as bleak as you think it is. thousands of people are worse off than we are and they are struggling too but they are dealing with hardtimes also. you do have a gift of poetry. write your frustrations on paper. we care about you very much and are always here to talk to you if you need us. just talking about it can help you alot. can you talk to your doctor? maybe he can offer you some solutions. you have alot on your plate right now. just go slow and deal with what you can in spurts. don't overwhelm yourself. i send you lots of ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))). you are stronger than you think.

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hey Katrina:

 

 

read good books and learn from them. read Miracles can happen a storry of spinal cord injury victim at age 12 still did phd with paralysed below her neck. I am reading this great book by Jerry white and will outline you just basic 5steps try to integrate those in your life to get you into thriving survivor mode then the mode you are in right now.

 

1. face the facts. the truth allows us to gain persecpective. Maybe it's not bad as we thought? maybe we infact can cope with this nightmare. there is primary tenet in Hinduism: suffering in this life is universal & inveitable, but it's not an injustice. It's simple lesson to help us configure balance, overcome our weaknesses and proceed to change and growth. sometimes our suffering results from our attachments to things and ideas, more than from the loss itself.

 

2. choose life - crisis and pain can hold us hostage over time but we all still have choice in how we will responde to our circumstances no matter how dire. to truely thrive we must conciously choose for our lives to go on in a positive way. what I have noticed in my life having routine for my life motivates me to choose life.

you know sometimes Death seems like an option - a choice in midst of darknes. I can choose to end this now, but is death really a choice? It's saying that our situation is larger than we are.. I myself had gone through all these emotions but by choosing life I think I made intellectual decision. I am now all excited about where my life will lead me. who knows what's next over the hill for you. I say choosing life i made intellectual decision cause we must apply our minds to think differently about our moments of crisis. don't just feel what's happening. think about it,think past it. the threat comes when we brlieve a moment is larger than life. the key to remember that your life is larger than this moment. that is the *beep*[ective we must grasp.

 

all my above wise comments I have written to you from " I will not be broken" by Jerry white book & I haven't even finished reading this book. I hope you look beyound your crisis moment and realize your life is bigger than all these small things. Katrina give yourself & others chance to love you. & I am sure people want to be friends with positive person & not with the person who is always saying "woe is me"

 

hope tomorrow is better day for you.

 

Asha

 

 

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Katrina,

 

you are definitely stronger than you think You do, I hope) understand that you can pm any one of us and we'll be there for you. Can't be there in person for obvious reasons. but send you virtial (((hugs))) and pray that things will go better for you.

 

Your poetry is beautiful, escape to your writing. Others have suggested reading inspirational books. For me, I enjoy reading fiction where I can so so speak lose myself in the plot. Reading for me is an outlet.

 

Take care of yourself, you are loved.

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Katrina:

 

I can understand your anger and frustration. I've been there also. YES, my stroke was 10 years ago, YES I've been depressed. YES suicidal thoughts have entered my mind. But I've come to realize that I was my 'own worst enemy'.

 

Let me explain. After my stroke, I was really depressed and confused. My family cared about me and people from church prayed for me and several people 'met me where I was', meaning that they offered to help me IF I needed assistance.

 

Let me pause here and say that my stroke WAS mild. I only 'suffer' from complete weakness and complete numbness on ENTIRE left side. My left side extremities 'freeze-up' in the cold months. I also have poor sense of balance. Other stroke survivors, on here and ones I have met in person, ARE alot worse. Now to continue with blog. . . .

 

Several on here have suggested talking to your pastor or people from the church. That is an excellant idea and one I would suggest. I'm sure that your pastor could suggest a woman from your church (IF you even attend church) who would more than be happy to help 'mentor' you with your struggles. This woman can help you understand scripture and how to apply it to your life, to get your thoughts back on track.

 

YES, having a stroke is devestating, but I personally feel that OUR attitude WILL DETERMINE how we recover. This is only a suggestion of what I do each morning. I wake up, I do my morning devotions, and while I am praying, I WILL thank God for my stroke, and how He is using me to help other survivors of strokes to cope. Right now, there are four people, in my church, who have had strokes. Also, having had open heart surgery, I can also 'come alongside' those survivors as well. I've been 'through the fire' and I asking God to 'show' me compassion towards others who have/are facing the same trials. And yes, I AM reaching out to others, because of my experiences. I also have to realize that I can't 'fix' their circumstances, but I can certainly 'walk alongside' them and I CAN pray for them.

 

 

I realize this reply IS long, I apologize. I'm just trying to say that DON'T GIVE UP. God knows your heart. And, believe it or not, God already knows the outcome of your circumstances. You say that God is not listening. I will say that you are wrong. Open your Bible and read Psalm 139. If I understand verse 16 right, God 'knew' you even before you were born. In fact, He knew you even before the universe WAS created.

 

Katrina, I know this response is lengthy and somewhat religious. That's okay. I am only trying to help you through the struggles you are facing. And, might I make another suggestion -- each morning you wake up, write down one POSITIVE thing in your life. Then, when you get 'down again', you can look at the list and see all the positive things in your life.

 

I do pray that this has been a help to you. I WILL definitely add your name to my Prayer List and I WILL pray for you.

 

As others have also stated, PLEASE feel free to PM any of us. We are here for each other. Please take advantage of the help waiting for you.

 

 

Denny

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Hello my name is Connie. I had a series of seizers I don't remember. Iwas Seven. I had a grand Mal Stoke on December 1st 1985. Before the event I was a gifted student who was above level in everything I did. After I became remedial in Math and Science areas. My memorization skills were weak as well. I think I didn't relize how the event really did effect me. I had a twin brother and younger sister who in their own way were affected as well. I wasn't supposed to live after I had brain surgery. I had a blood clot to the brain. After the evernt I was left paralezed on the left side. I wsa in a wheel chair for a long time. In May I started walking again and the following year I used a cane. Today I still wear an AFO on the left leg.After ther stoke I work a shoulder sling for subliafication.Is that spelled right? I don't wear that today. During that time thry docs put me on phenobarbatal. I stonger older drug widel;y used not im on lamictal. I always played alone today i still have that problem too not many friends... they just don't understand me They are hesitant. I am extremly lucky to have my twin brother! I never really dated in school until collage. Thats a longh story. Due to the stoke I had trouble with test. Multichoice is not too good for me essay is better. I worked really hard got my BA in Communication/English then my MEd in education. It was a miricle that I met my husband. Its so weird that we have lots in common. Right now we have been married almost 2 years. We have been dating for 5 on the 12th of October. I believe that everyone has a perpose in this world. I have learned so many things about myself and others by being the way I am I have so many issues that I deal with that no one else usually does. But I have learned so many things "normal "people dont know. Can most people dress a classroom of ten 4 year olds dress them with snow boats and snow suits and pants by themselves.. most like no. I can and with one hand. There are things people with disabilities know how to do that others can't please don't give up on yourself. Keep talking chatting and emaing others. You will make it through. :) Take Care Connie

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Katrina,

I really don't know what to say anymore. This is very upsetting to me.

God will take you when he is ready, in his time. This time last year your blog was very positive you were to be MISS DISABILITIES. I was so impressed and happy for you, I failed to read the date posted until after I saw this post and wondered why the big change, then I realized you had written that post a year ago. Talk about a letdown... I was crushed to read the above. Until I read your poetry. Then I realized that your poetry is really who you are and expresses most of how most of us have felt at one time or another. Youu should use it to help others. You know I could use a pick me up, my doctor thinks I may have MS, something going on in my brain AGAIN ! Now you tell me how I am to deal with that news. You are not the only one hurting here Katrina. Id appreciate it if you would pray for me.

 

Ann

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