I have been reading member's post and blogs. There is not much I can write that has not already been written in this wwebsite. The emotions, struggles, humor, experiences - all of it is right here.

This morning I read NoriB's post about her husband and my heart sank. At one point in Jackie's journey she was returned to the hospital - she was severely dehydrated and basically starving. After given fluid and regaining consciousness (after being pretty much unconscious for the last 3 weeks) she made it very clear she was done with this. She refused her medications and fluids. I was devasted that she wanted to die - she just "woke" up and was so clear and aware - how could you give up now? I left that night feeling like the world had dropped form under me - I never thought I could feel worse than the night she had her stroke but I sure did. I got a call at 3 in the moring - she was having violent seizures probably as a result of refusing her dilantin. She could die. I went in and watched her go through another seizure. Hours later she finlally came to and I begged her not to give up. She finally agreed. She even agreed to a peg tube. If I had left things as they were she might have died - now I wonder, given what her quality of life might be, if I should have left her deicsion as it was. All that second guessing. What would I have wanted?

It's November and it's cold and snowing. I remember the night of July 14th 2008 like yesterday. What happened to time? How did we get here and where the hell are we going? It was just warm and sunny and we were getting ready to sit out on the porch and have a glass of wine - and now it is snowing Jackie.