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I hate school


CagedBird

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Lastnight I started to write an entry but I stopped crying after my first sentence so I assumed it was just side effects of the medicine and decided to wait til I was calm to update. I am going to call the doctor and pharmacist tomorrow to ask about the side effects. I started school on Friday and I just feel so pessimistic about this semester. My classes are so spread out on campus that I can barely get to them in 10 minutes because the buildings are spread so far apart. I know first days are always boring because the instructors only read over the syllabus but I really found nothing interesting out of any of my clases which gave me nothing to look forward to. I was so tired too. I knew it would be tough on me to walk again after that long break so the day before class started, I walked to the library to get back in the swing of things (and it took me 20 minutes to get there). Yet, I was still in so much pain on Friday. An instructor I passed while walking through the hall jokingly asked if someone kicked me in the leg but I just kept walking and later I felt like some boys behind me were talking about me and laughing. It was the end of the day and my limp was getting worser. Cold air, walking all day, and walking long distances, after sitting on your butt for 3 weeks equals terrible walking. It wasent just my knee either, my ankle was aching, and ofcourse my toenail is still falling off and not growing back because of ramming into my shoe so much. I just hate it. I hate walking like this everywhere I go, I hate having to cross my arms everywhere I go to hide the bend, I hate having to hold my left hand with my rigt to keep it from hitting me in the stomach when I walk, I hate having to race to classes in 50 degree whether with a terrible leg ankle and toes. I hate exercising my hand, wrist, and arm everyday just for it to stay the same. I hate only seeing the people that gawk and stare but being blind to the ones who wave and smile. It seems like the nice ones are always on the side I cant see because as Im walking all I feel is negativity. Most of all I hate feeling like I am in high school. This is exactly the way it felt. If it wasent for my boyfriend, all I would have done this entire weekend was sit in my room studying. In high school all I did was go to school, go to club meetings, and go home to do homework and sit on my computer all day. Last year I thought I had kissed that lifestyle away but I see it has come back to haunt me and remind me of those lonely depressing days. I try to think of how I can make things like they were freshmen year but I just cant. The people I used to eat lunch with never come to the cafe anymore and it seems like everytime I go eat I don't see anyone I know and Im scared to try to make new friends because the freshman dont know me they only judge me by the way I walk. Then I cant attend the events on campus I used to go to because since I dont stay on campus and dont have the number to the shuttle anymore it is not safe for me to walk alone and it gets dark so early. Then all the friends I used to hang out with in the dorm have spread out and forgot about me and there is nowhere around the apartment to just sit and wait for a new friend to come along. I actually talked to the counselor on Friday but for some reason I can never really tell her whats really on my mind. Something in me blocks my feelings from being expressed. I cant remember the last time I cried in front of someone. So instead of getting to the nitty gritty, I just conversate with her about things that get on my nerves so it really does no help to talk to her. I just wish things will go bak to the way they were. And with my clases being so difficult this semester I can only think that I am going to end up even further away from the 4.0 than I am now. Well I still have to study and it is 1am so I guess Im done complaining. Thanks for the comments on the last blog entry.

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Your mega smile is a gift. You can use it to make new introductions. Perhaps you could reach out first to others and take the initial step. You can do it! Don't linger on a 4.0. It is much to much stress. There's nothing wrong with a 3.5 or 3.8.

 

 

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Keep working. Keep going!! Things may not be what they were, but the good will come out if you keep the drive alive! You'll find new friends and people will see your determination! You have your mind. That WILL overcome the limitations of your body. Stay strong and hang in there!!!! If you're too stressed out, lighten your class load a bit. You need rest, staying up in the wee hours of the morning won't help.

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Dear Niece Katrina,

 

I want you to promise to flush that huge old pity pot when you climb off of it - and you will. You're a fighter girl. If you weren't you would not be as far as you are now.

 

I'm glad that Jesse is there to smooth out the rough edges for you. Starting the new term, the added walking is hard after 3 weeks of vacation at home. That's the only draw back to vacations - they end and it's back to the "real" world.

 

Keep smiling little one, that gorgeous smile of your will warm the hearts of new friends. Remember to smile - it's good for your teeth.

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Hey there; Song Bird,

 

Sounds like ya got yer feathers ruffled! Be a little easier on yourself. Celebrate your accomplishments! You have overcome your deficits to the point that you CAN return to school. You obviously have a dream you're going after; keep that in focus. Know and understand that the world has more jerks than it has saviors. When you let people bother you that much, you allow them free space in your head.Your space is valuable; so if you're not collecting rent on the space , don't give it. If life were easy; we would all be millionaires.

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Katrina:

 

I don't have any comforting words then to just tell you you have dream so go after it full force. nobody guranteed life will be easy or fair, just keep fighting good fight & you will come out as strong person. when I sit on my pity pot my hubby tells me " you are making your own sandwiches". focus on good things in life than wasting energy focusing on what is not working. every day waking up clothed in sane mind is big blessing

 

Asha

 

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Hey there; Song Bird,

 

Sounds like ya got yer feathers ruffled! Be a little easier on yourself. Celebrate your accomplishments! You have overcome your deficits to the point that you CAN return to school. You obviously have a dream you're going after; keep that in focus. Know and understand that the world has more jerks than it has saviors. When you let people bother you that much, you allow them free space in your head.Your space is valuable; so if you're not collecting rent on the space , don't give it. If life were easy; we would all be millionaires.

 

Great comment Wesley, Katrina, I am so sorry you are feeling down. You say you saw a counselor, but couldn't open up to her. If you were to go back a few more times and get to know her you would probably open up a little more each time and you never know, she might have answers for you. Wes is right little one, don't be so hard on yourself. You have done wonderfully up to know, once you get back in the swing of things you'll get your momentum going. Would it be possible for you to rent a scooter to get around on campus. It would be worth asking the counselor if they have some kind of program for disabled students where the teachers would move around instead of the students. I don't know, but its worth a try. Good luck and keep your chin up to show that winning smile, you'll have your pick of new friends. Take care sweetie,

 

mc

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Hi Kiddo,

 

I remember all to well what it felt like as a freshman, so I understand some of what you're going through. Just wondering why you sat on your butt for three weeks, when you could of been out enjoying life?

Don't let school get you down, you've fought so hard to get where you are today, and a 4.0 is fantastic. I knew people in school that couldn't pull a 3.0 if their lives depended on it so don't be so hard on yourself.

Remember just be yourself and you'll meet new friends ok?

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