When you think things cannot get worse they usually do. I think it was a build up from the period before Christmas. I had so great an expectation and although I was prepared to put in a lot of work to make Christmas Day a well run, happy day I just went over the top somewhere along the line. Afterwards I fell into a slowed-down state where nothing much was happening and I didn't particularly care. Whatever it was I was trying to achieve, it hadn't brought any sort of feeling of success or happiness as I had expected and I experienced a big let-down. I felt as if I was having a melt-down.

Hold on, this is not like me, good ol' Susie Superwoman, the girl who can jump high piles of laundry in a single bound while juggling six eggs and a skillet on the way to making breakfast. But everyone has those down days too and I have to accept that I do too. The constant care and attention that Ray needs really wears me out. The incontinence is a big part of that, piles of washing, day in, day out, a lot of bed changing, floor washing, becomes too much of a workload. It is like the Chinese water torture, only one drop of water at a time but it wears down stone and little by little it seems to be getting the better of me.

Then life changed again, my friend Beryl's cancer got suddenly worse and I snatched what time I could to be with her in her last days. I guess that jolted me back into reality again. I have nothing to feel sorry for myself about really when I have my health as compared with a dear friend who is nearing the end of her life. What a very sad week it was as all who loved her watched her lose her final battle. It really is sobering to see death even once removed.

I hope you all went on with chat as usual last Tuesday night. To add to my woes our telephone line was out of order for ten days. I think someone must have dug up the cable and quickly reburied it as it took the technicians days to find the break and longer to fix it. I did have a telephone line but it sounded like the caller was gargling under water with a mouthful of marbles. And because of the poor sound quality I could not pick up the internet. Tonight, for the first time, I am back on. But as it was patched, not replaced I don't know how long it will last. It was aweful to be out of communications with all of you. It really added to my feelings of isolation and self-pity.

In the end I was making phone calls in which I could hear maybe one word in three. I made calls to those folk from our old church who would want to know of Beryl's death, funeral arrangements etc. In desperation I even used my mobile to make some of the calls. But today when there was a large crowd at her funeral all that seemed worth the hassles.

Beryl was a lovely person. Poorly educated due to childhood illness - what we know now as a series of PFOs - which blighted her childhood and teen years she attended school only on and off. She didn't have the series of operation to fix them until she was 32 but she grew into a loving, kindly person and has been my good friend for many years. I will really miss her. I did the eulogy today and although I cried a lot last night as I wrote it it was good to recall many of our good times together. As a person who had had years of illness she could relate to Ray, and as a person who had cared for her parents in their later years she could also relate to me as a carer. Her loving support was priceless to me.

I am hoping now that things get better, that life gets back on an even keel and I start to enjoy life again. Maybe I have been walking through the valley of the shadow of death again...we all do that from time to time as those we care for age and die, or succumb to illness, or find their own unhappiness too much for them. But if we are to expect support from others then we need to be prepared to give support too, to others in their hour of need.

So if the phone lines hang together, if my computer defies the odds and keeps on going, if the temps stay below 100 degrees and we slip happily through the hottest days of summer, we will surely come out onto the sunny side of life once more and leave that dark valley behind us. Wish us well with our struggles and hope this year is a better one than the last.