There has got to be some kind of perk to this caregiver role. I think God or whomever is in charge out there should have pity - if you won't get rid of stroke then at least keep us caregivers healthy, and give us patience, and understanding and strength and the power to heal and I could use a raise right about now too. Is this asking too much? And one more thing if you are listening because I am talking to you and I am told you do NOT need to be in a church for you to hear me(how anyone came up with proof of that either way I will never understand) - could you let Jackie talk again - and how about use of the leg and arm - and perhaps let's get rid of the peg tube and hey one more thing - that stenosis in her back - you could get rid of that too?

I went 6 months without getting sick. I am sick. I don't do sick well. I don't know who does. But I have learned that I especially don't do it well alone. And I don't like doing it alone. It also makes me more vulnerable to people and their words. I took great offense to one of jackie's sister's words this weekend. I am told she has a heart of gold and somehow I want to believe that but she spews words of steel and does not seem to know when to stop. I tend to be short tempered and add not feeling well and it pushed me to the edge. Perhaps it's not important what she said as it is how it made me feel - from what I have read on the site many of us caregivers get a bit sensitive when we think we are being questioned about what we are doing and why. Like stepping into a snake pit and she stepped right into it with me. I felt my choice of her SNS was in question, her rash, her meals, her wait time - shall I go on? NO? Oh but I will - what pushed me to go put my head in a snowbank (I am not kidding) was the comment about being sorry that Jackie was such a burden to me. And it was not said with love and concern. It was mean and uncalled for. SO why did that push me? Because stroke is a burden - not one that any of us has asked for. And I feel guilty that I feel it is a burden and it has turned OUR lives upside down. Not yours dear sister-in-law - your vacations and family functions and lunches and movies and dinners and golfing and whatever the hell else you have in your life goes on. You just fit her in around that. You waltz in and out. You step out of this stroke hell and back into your safe and known home where someone waits for you with open arms. You don't do stroke every day. Jackie does. In my way I do. But you do NOT and you have no right to question what I do - I do what I do because I love your sister more than anything. My biggest guilt is that she is not with me. I still feel incompetent and incapable and like a big chicken poop sometimes. There I have finally said it. I don't care if her family finds this site and reads this. I needed to get it out. It's out - and I am once again headed out to a snow bank to stick my head in it. Apparently I have some anger issues. You think? You are damn right I am angry. And for once I believe it's ok. Once I pull free from the snow bank the anger usually subsides quickly. I think I might have something here that works on anger and frustration besides medication and in the winter - along the shores of the Great Lake Ontario - snow is a plenty.