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Acceptance


CagedBird

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It's not called giving up. It is called acceptance. That is what I decided to do. Accept things for the way they are and stop crying over spilled milk. Dont think I am giving up. Im just realizing that I cant always get what I want no matter how hard I try. All I can do is try. I actually tried to think of all the thigs I would do if I was ambidextrous and to my surprise there was only a few things I could think of that I cant do using one hand. I still dont like my limp but I guess its not so bad since I dont have to see it and I have tried to convince myself that people are only staring because Im so beautiful. :) My stroke was so long ago that I realized I cant remember what it was like prestroke. I was a kid in the 6th grade. Now I am a grown woman in college. Life wasent all that great for me before I had my stroke neither so I dont ever want to go back to that. I have just accepted that if it is in God's plan for me to walk without a limp, one day I will limp no more, just as it took me 3 months to learn to walk and 3 years to learn to walk without popping my knee back. and if I do live with a limp then so be it. Im thankful that I can walk and I do thank God for that ability everyday no matter how much I complain about my limp in the blogs. As for my vision, I might not be able to see everyone but atleast I might get my license this year and I believe God compensates for my vision everyday when I cross the 4 lane highway back and forth from my apartment to the campus when walking so I have faith that he will continue to keep me safe on foot or in a car. Lastly as for my hand, I have accepted it. One thing I like about the winter time is I can wear big jackets so my bent arm isnt as noticeable and as I said before, Ive learned to do so much with my right hand that sometimes I forget about my left one. Also, my index finger has been really lose lately and I remembered my ot saying the index finger would most likely be first to move so maybe it will start moving as impossible as it seems. I have been wearing the splint to help my wrist and my boyfriend's massages have loosened my shoulder so much that I can move my left arm with ease! maybe one day I will be able to move my fingers the same way.

I have also accepted that I have a 3.9. Last year's valevictorian had a 4.0 her entire 4 years and I guess I was trying to be her but I cant be her and will never be her. I would rather be happy and stress free the rest of the semester than depressed and stressed just as I was last semester trying to make everyone else proud.

I know by now you all are wondering what fueled this new attitude? Well I ate diner with friends and made new friends 2 days in a row so that definantly put a big smile on my face, I read the bible everyday and pray every morning and night so that is helping me stay sane. I still have moments when I get depressed and burst into tears over small things but hopefully a trip to the neuro will straighten that out. Also, I might be getting a job this summer. A recruiter for college students with disabilities is coming to my school and I have an interview with him! Another reason Im not stressed about the 4.0 is I have already been accepted into the criminal justice honor society and I have a 4.0 in all of my criminal justice classes. And Im pretty sure I will be accepted into the new honors program and get a chance to study abroad in china this summer. So I am not on top of the world right now and not much has changed since my last entry except that I decided to give you guy the good side of the story and write about acceptance. Acceptance does not equal happiness to me but it does feel good

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Katrina,

 

This sounds much better! Just travel at your own pace, set your goals, and achieve them. Like I have said previously; I'd rather limp than roll. Glad to hear you sounding so much better.

 

Wesley

 

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katrina,

giving in is NOT giving up. you can visit many doctors but life is full of ups and downs! whatever happens, just do your best..you are an inspiration. kathy

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Katrina,

 

You are not giving up dear girl - that's not what acceptance or adaptation means.

 

We're proud of you and will continue to be.

 

(((hugs)))

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Acceptance: Is a very powerful word Katrina and one that I am so glad you have discovered. Yes, you will not be like you were pre-stroke, but through time and patience, you may (key word) recover more.

 

I am so excited for you concerning your attitude towards your studies and how you are overcoming your situation, to the point that you might be advancing yourself into the criminal justice system. and the chance to study abroad is really great news.

 

I can relate to you about stressing with your school work. I've been there, done that. After my stroke, I went to culinary school and I really struggled with tests and things. We would have a test EVERY Friday, with review on Thursday. I would study so hard on Thursday that my wife and I would 'play' Jeopardy - she gave answer, I'd give the question. Friday morning for test, mind would go blank. But I would go thru test 4 times - first time questions I remembered, second for questions I was pretty sure of, third time for best answer and fourth time, would just pick the best answer. First two semesters, GPA of 4.0. Last two semesters, had a 3.95 and 3.94, which gave me a 3.87 GPA total for the course. Yes the 16 months WERE hard but I stuck to it knowing that I would be a better person for it.

 

Trusting God to meet your needs is a very important matter. Yes, God does have a plan for your life and He IS in control of it.

 

Keep up the positive attitude, the only person you need to please IS yourself. IF you are doing the best you can, to the best of your ability, you will overcome any situation that life will throw at you.

 

Keep up the good work, the positive attitude and surround yourself with people who will build up your self-worth and will have a genuine spirit to help meet your needs, be it spiritual, emotional, physical, mental.

 

 

Denny

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A good acceptance, that way you never can go wrong! Good luck to you, but I know where you are coming from by being so young when you had your stroke. I understand your thoughts completely.

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Katrina:

 

reading this entry made me so happy for you. acceptance brings in huge peace & you will be able to enjoy your NOW with lot of joy. you have lot of potential in your life. I can tell you one thing your life will be great even with disability.

 

Asha

 

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Katrina,

 

YOU WILL NOT BE BROKEN, you are a Warrior ! Acceptance is one of the five things a person must do not to be broken. I wish I has known that along time ago. You are beautiful and you deserve to be happy and I know you will be. I hope this new found acceptance will give you the peace you have sought. Good news, this year I accepted to, let me share this with you. I had some tingling going on in my arms, had a new MRI done and my neuro requested I go see a specialist for MS. yes, MS, talk about a scare, I was terrified. Good news I dont have MS, I was so worried that I would be unable to take care of my dad I was sick. When I wnet to tell him of my good news, he replied,"I wish I would get good news" he has Parkinsons. I cried. I had been so wound up in my own STUFF I had forgotten that he had his own Disease to deal with, I truly believe that every situation is a blessing from God for us to Learn something. I learned that no matter how bad it gets or how worried I am, there are others who have it much worse than I. I think of my dad who has lost his independence totally, if he is not constipated, he is hallucinating or having trouble standing or walking, I know God sent me to him to see how blessed I am and to help me realize what it is to truly loose that independence. The MS was just another big reminder. I hadnt quite got it yet cause I am so hard headed. Remember you ar dis ABLED not DISABLED

 

If you ever get the chance read I will not be Broken.

 

Ann

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