I just noticed the date since my last blog entry and it has been five months since I last posted any thoughts. That in itself isn't so surprising to me since I have never been good at sharing my thoughts - even with myself in a diary. I remember thinking when I got that diary as a teenager how much trouble I'd get in if anybody saw some of the thoughts that crossed my mind! Needless to say those thoughts never saw the pages of that diary.

Tonight I find myself in Michigan writing this blog with three guys sitting on the couch across from me ... watching the basketball playoffs between Cleveland and Orlando. Matt is sharing the finer points of free throw shooting with nine year old Jeffrey...Little does Jeff know free throws were not Matt's strong suit during his illustrious high school basketball career. Jacob is fretting over his upcoming basketball camp. Ah the angst of a 14 year old when faces with the challenge of trying out for the basketball team. Matt is such a good dad though. He jut encourages those boys so much. Some may think I'm biased, but I would dare anyone to disagree with me on this point. I'm in awe.

This is the first time I've been away from Bill since he had his strokes. I think this speaks to two facts. First, Bill is doing well physically and emotionally right now. Of course his memory is not improved. His cognitive skills are certainly compromised. However, all in all he is doing well. I used the strategy so many suggested I use in preparing for this trip. I didn't tell Bill until last Monday that I would be coming to Michigan for a visit. Not only would it have increased his stress, it would have increased mine as well. It was very, very hard for me to not give in to his response and just stay in Greensboro. However, I had a great support system telling me I needed this time and I HAD to go. Our dear friend, who is also his caregiver twice a week so I can get out, insisted that I do this to take care of me. And so I bravely encouraged Bill that all would be fine. To me I sounded as though I didn't care...but I finally admitted to myself that my precious husband has always been very good at "controlling" his circumstances! There are some things that never do change!!!

The day before I left Bill asked me, "do you need to get away from me?" How's that for throwing a guilt trip on the old caregiver? The night before I left we were lying in bed and he said "are you mad at me?" Oh boy...so he's gone from thinking I am running away from him to I'm mad at him. I told Bill I knew of caregivers who had two weeks a year for respite and it is just a fact of life that I have been in real need of just a few days to regain some physical and emotional health.

One of the greatest benefits to me so far is that I am feeling like myself. It is such fun to feel young again. Don't get me wrong, when I had to resort to asking Matt for a stool to get into his truck I didn't feel particularly young. However, I remembered I'd always needed running boards to get up into a 4 x 4 150 super cab truck, so why should I think I wouldn't need a boost now? Then I even tried to make a basket when they guys were outside shooting a few hoops after dinner. Of course, I wasn't successful, but then I never have been able to shoot a basketball to save my life.

I have called Bill several times over the past two days. He sounds good and he isn't trying to put me on a guilt trip anymore. Tina is keeping him busy so I bet he'll really want to sleep when I get home. Of course, that is one thing he does really well anyway! I imagine about Monday though I'll have to toughen up again but then I'll be able to tell him I'll be home in just a couple of days.

Today Grandma took the grandsons shopping. I sent Jeff an e-card for his birthday and promised we'd go birthday shopping when I got here. Since Jake is going to be a graduate I used that as my excuse to give him some money so he could go shopping. So, tomorrow we will visit my folks' graves for a bit...something very important to me. Tuesday evening Jacob will graduate from Middle School. I'm so excited that I can be here for that special event.

So far I can't think of a thing I would change about this week-end. Maybe that's the blessing of not having lots of expectations. I've come to just spend time with my family and that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm being very spoiled because Matt isn't letting me do anything. He has told me I'm here to rest!

For all you caregivers out there who are in need of a short time of respite, believe me, it doesn't necessarily take a week to recharge. I am feeling better after two days. I must admit I'm glad I've got a few more days here but taking this time for me doesn't mean I don't want to go back, it means I will feel better when I get back. For all those survivors out there, we caregivers love you and want to do our very best for you. We will do so better when we are rested and refueled. We know nobody can care for you better than we can and it isn't easy to leave you in someone else's care. That is the most scary thing for us to do, but we do it so we can be better at what we do.