this i my 1st time blogging so here goes..i had a brain stem stroke 1 27 08. i knew i was having a slow stroke but no dr would listen to me!i had a cyst to my pons and saw 5 dr til the last one saw me and said "you need to see my assoc who will do surg on you"i saw him 1 7 08 he scheduled surg 2 6 08. told me the pros and cons. by then i was still having a slow stroke. trouble walking buzzing to r ear. but me not being a pushr i thought i could wait.i dont understand why thr 1st dr whom i saw 11 20 07 couldnt refer me to the dr who did my surg cause he worked at th same hosp and all of this could of been avoided..im mad mad mad. now im 50 yrs old my prime and now im left with a new body. i have l ear deafness, eyes that cont move, unable to drive, r sided weakness and big time blance problems, i now use a hemi walker to walk and help some with my balance.i still want to fall 70x day.i can nly work 12 hrs a week and collect ssdi.ialways hane shakin to my head my r ear im a mess. my feelings are anious, fustration,sad,mad.anger.crying all types.inever feel good any more and i know i never will again. people stare, treat you different,work treats you diff..its because u are different.i dont know if i can ever accept this knowing ill never feel good. run. walk miles,drives sew ,quilt ..all the things i love. i know that ill have to ,i guess , live with what i have and just keep going and moning even though half the time i want to stay in bed cause then i wont have to deal with the eyes, shaking of the head etc.. but natures calls...right now im bitter. ,depessed,who wouldnt be, angry over who i was and know ill never be agin.mad at all the wasted medical monsy spent for pt, ot hosp .i feel like i was a medical errer and know wanted to touch me . i watched my husband take our boat , 27 ft, with 4 guys and i was mad..it should be me out there on the lake..not sitting home. reading. loseing my balance and walking for short times.i could go on and on. i would keep a journal but im r hande and he stroke sffected my writing.hopefullly my attutide will improve, my connection with god. ill have more faith.and ill be more positive about what i was dealt with and cont to get better will see patty