OUCH My most commonly used word since my last blog post. But I guess its a lot better than the word "can't". Being a stroke survivor is hard work especially when you're almost 10 years post stroke. I guess I have come to acceptance. I just wish I wouldve known then what I know now. I curse that One Handed in a Two World book. I always figured out how to do things with my right hand while waiting on my left hand to receive a divine healing from God and wake up and be 100% again. Well, I now realize that is highly unlikely. I am just not content with only using my right hand for everything. I hate only being able to do one thing at a time. Ever since my 9 year stroke anniversary back in october, I have really been eager to start using my left hand again. My blogs may sound redundant since I have had this same mindset over the last few months so I apologize if I am repeating myself. I thought it would be easy. One night, I made it through the entire night with my splint on my hand, another time I washed both hands and in the same day I opened the door. I am learning not to neglect my left anymore. Unfortunately, I am also learning its not that simple. The other day I didn't wear my AFO to the nail shop after being inspired by one of the post on the forum. This was my first time leaving my house without wearing the AFO since back in 2004 when I fell and sprained my ankle not wearing it in the house. I usually dont wear it around the house but I realize I am more accident prone when trying to walk in shoes without the afo versus just walking around in socks or barefoot. Anyway I was thinking to myself if I walk around my house all day without the brace (occasionally losing balance when my toes curl but never falling) then it should be a breeze to go get a pedicure right? Wrong. I had to walk a lot slower. My feet felt so cramped in my thick socks and sneakers. The lady who usually does my pedicure was not there so I had to endure the pain of another heavy handed man who obviously could not understand when I was trying to tell him the bottom of my left foot is sensitive. To top it off I had to watch as other ladies sported cute flip flops and sandals while I had to stuff my newly pedicured toes back into my socks and sneakers. Did I mention as I was getting out of the car, I forgot I wasnt wearing the afo and probably wouldve fallen if it wasnt for me hearing the sound of my foot dragging and remembering? Needless to say,my attempt at trying to be normal failed. Looking for dress shoes at the mall didnt help either. How many ladies have tried finding a dress shoe with no heel, a back to it, stretchable, and a strap around the ankle that is big enough to fasten over an AFO?
Well after my failed attempt at normalizing my foot, I decided to work on the arm. As if botox injections arent painful enough, first my doc had to stretch my arm, elbow, wrist, and fingers simultaneously until I screamed MERCY. Then he had the nerve to tell me I should be doing that everyday. He could barely do it to me with 2 arms. How am I supposed to do it by myself using my own good arm as I am laying down and cant even see my left arm unless Im looking at it? So I survived the botox injections, wore my splint 2 hours on 2 hours off, and am waiting to get my pt/ot schedule.
All I have to say is its so much easier just giving up and being content with only using my right hand for the rest of my life. After an hour and half of wearing the splint I have no motivation to leave it on the last 30 minutes because I know as soon as I take it off, my wrist will flop down. At night I go ahead and take the splint off because I know 1) Im going to toss and turn trying to keep it on and 2) Im going to take it off in my sleep if I do fall asleep with it on. I have been doing the same take home exercises I got from ot in 2007 ofcourse with no results. I just feel like giving up. I mean afterall insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result right?