Saturday evening we had another family dinner. This time to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. I hadn't seen my mother and my sister in a little more than a month, though we have spoken over the phone several times. Their lives are just very busy.

I guess I wasn't having a good day on Saturday. I was a little more off balanace than usual and, as is typical, I get a little "droopy" when I am tired. My right arm still gets very tired very quickly.

Dinner was at 6:00 pm, and went until about 8. After dinner everyone went back to my in-laws' house for cake and presents. I was getting tired. We also spent time looking at the latest pictures of Sam's brand new neice. His twin lives in Wisconsin, so we don't get to see them often and the baby is only a few months old. My right arm was tired after passing pictures from one person to the next for 20 minutes.

Then we had presents, followed by moving into the diningroom to have cake. I giess I wasn't navigating the step up from the family room into teh kitchen well, because suddenly my mother was on 1 side of me and my sister on the other. Ok, cake over, we stayed for about another 15 minutes, then I told Sam I was "orange," which is code for "turning into a pumpkin," that means it's time to go home. Said happy birthday to my father-in-law, bye to the rest of the family, and headed to the car.

To get to the car, we had to walk across the front lawn. It's a lawn. It's uneven. I stumbled a little. My father-in-law grabbed one arm and Sam got the other and we walked the rest of the way to teh car. Once inside, blew kisses and we were on the way home, where I went straight to bed.

Well, Sunday morning Garion calls with a favor to ask, which I agree to as long as he comes to help his sister Laney move a dinette set and entertainment center into her apartment. He isn't happy about it, but comes over and we head out to help Laney.

Back at home a little while later (no, I didn't even try to life anything, I was just supervising), Sam comes home from Sunday patients, and we lay down to take a nap together. The phone rings.

It's my sister. I can hear my mother in the background. They want to know why I am still walking with a cane instead of one of teh wheeletors. I tell them because I have to pay for it entirely out of pocket, it isn't cheap, I have other bills to pay, and hadn't gotten around to it. I'm informed that they are ordering one for me right now and what is my address for the shipping?

You don't argue with Larra, my sister, or my mother, when they get themselves worked up into "take charge" mode, so I gave her my address. My mother gets on the phone and tells me "it's a really nice one, withthe seat5 and the basket, so you don't have to depend on people to hold as much for you and the front bar curves out so that if you sit on the seat, it isn't pushing your forward. Now, we bought this for you, and you need to use it."

Then Larra gets back on the phone and procedes to tell me that they are worried about me. I looked terrible Saturday night, pale, droopy, almost as weak or worse than when I was released from hospital, and I have them worried. I hear my mother in the background asking if I have filled out disability papers yet. Before Larra can repeat the question, I inform them that I have not.

They tell me I should. The faster I get them submitted, the faster I can get denied (everybody does the first time), and the faster April, Larra's friend, and a disability attorney, can get me approved. I start to argue when my mother gets back on the hpone and tells me not to worry, if I don't get enough from disability, I can work X number of hours a week and they will create a corporation for me and set me up with a work from home situation where Sam and I will be able to be comfortable, and I won't have to go into the office for 30 hours a week. They feel it is just too much for me. I promised to fill out my part of the paperwork today and to get Dr. Mike to fill out his part at my next appointment on the 22nd.

They tell me that they love me and know this sucks, but it really is the best thing for me and that they are only being insistant because they want me to be ok and to be around for a lot longer (I think they are still worried I could die any day now). There jus isn't any arguing with them. I don't have the energy or, frankly, the arguements, so I tell them I understand (I really do), I love them and I will talk to them later, then we ring off.

OK, the rollator will be here in 3-7 business days. I can't stop it and I know my mother will talk to Sam's parents, who see us often enough to know whether or not I am using it. So I'll have to use it. Fine, they get that one. I don't love it, but I know Dr. Mike will side withthem. He asked me about it at the last visit and I said I'd consider it.

As far as disability goes, they are going to hound me until it is done. I know that. There is just plain no getting away from the "Dragon Lady" and the "pitbull" once they get an idea in their head and decide it is the best course of action. I'm going to have to do it if I want any peace and quiet.

I am the one who has been wondering if, perhaps, I'm not trying to do more than I should. Maybe this is another instance of God letting me know that he is listening and what I should be doing for myself. Honestly, Larra and Mom don't but into my life a whole lot, unless they really feel strongly about something. It is obvious that they really feel strongly about this. Mom is willing to do whatever she needs to do so that we won't be financially hurting. She is a corporate lawyer. She does know what it will take.

But, going with this, am I giving up? Am I giving injust because I do'nt feel strong enough, at this moment, to argue a different case? Or is understanding all of this and letting it happen just coming to terms with the situation and, maybe, really starting to accept life as it is now? I don't know. In some ways, it feels like a gigantic step backwards in my recovery.

Was I taking gigantic steps forward, that, maybe, I couldn't maintain? I really have mixed felings about this.