hey Heather:

I am equally confused as you. when he chose to stay by you in your moment of crisis that time I would assume he still loves you, atleast took his vows seriously, but you say now he is gone & spending time with his girlfriend. how sure you are that he is having affair.

I am sending you lot of positive vibes to get peace of mind in your situation.

Asha

hey Heather:

 

I am equally confused as you. when he chose to stay by you in your moment of crisis that time I would assume he still loves you, atleast took his vows seriously, but you say now he is gone & spending time with his girlfriend. how sure you are that he is having affair.

 

I am sending you lot of positive vibes to get peace of mind in your situation.

 

Asha

 

Oh Asha, I don’t think it is sexual but yes! Definitely emotional. She has stated so herself.”She loves him”she has said”but as a best,just friend” That is what is so hard. He is doing things for her. Chores around her house.(her+ her husband live in separate dwellings. And My husband thinks this is fine because in exchange, he can stay there (Toronto) and use her car while he visits his step father in a nursing home, near her place. She is a kind, generous person ,but I feel left out of the little threesome cause I’m the crippled wife waiting at home, while he is there ,visiting and puttering on his precious days off. Is she a distraction from the misery at home? I don’t consider myself a miserable person. I am active and like to socialize and excersise. I don’t dwell on my disabilities. We don’t have sex, not since the stroke, but he also started smoking ,is 50 and is not looking after himself, health-wise, so I figure is that..thanks for the vibes!..Heath

I would put my foot down!!!! There are other was to attend to his father, with out putting that kind of pressure on you. So be real. Invite a Chippendale over. Or get to know the neighbor when you estranged husband goes to his lady friends, plan for your neighbor to do some labor at your castle.

Haha, What the heck would I do with a chippendale? Now that would be a comedy scene!and unfortunately, I don't need that I need a strong man,whom I thought I married...I guess I married a dumb one though

Hi sorry to hear you are going through this - I was there about 6 yrs before stroke & it is much worse to go through.We learned the biggest problem is not meeting each others' needs- which we weren't before stroke & certainly aren't & can't now as long as he is involved with the other woman - he is in a fog & can't see reality - the best advice I had was - remember - it is about him - not you

Emotional affairs hurt more than just a sex event all we want from them most of the time is time from them I found the most marvelous web site for dealing with this: Marriage builders.com excellent teaching & forums with people that understand how an affair rips your insides out

I know how bad you are hurting & blaming yourself & inadequacies.

Try to find time to visit marriagebuilders

Susan/sudz

Thank you o much Susan. I will check out the site. I think he was seeing as a "friend" much earlier,than when I found out. I just happen to stumble on the evidence because he was probably getting too smug. Yeh,It's about him alright. Always about him..

Heather,

Can you travel? Why not go with him to visit his step father?

Eva

I go and visit from time to time but am NOT welcome at his friend's place so I would have to stay with my brother-in-law,45 minutes away. That's a lot of drviing truouble for everyone and he certaiinly does not hold back on his opinion about that

Now, up to this point I was willing to give your hubby the benefit of the doubt...but the fact that you are not welcome to also stay at this friend's is unacceptable!

Did you ever have a heart to heart talk with this "nice" person?

Despite any emotional connection that she may have with your husband, does she realize how difficult is this for you on a practical level? (as well as an emotional one)?

Eva

Heart to heart talk? We sometimes get moments at our cottage together. That is the only time I am in the same room as her. We call them our Oprah moments as we usually have some pretty heavy discussions. Mostly about how much she LOVES my husband(like a brother) How I gotta get overmyself and this stroke and think about him. (She has no clue how Ihave lived and breathed him, since we got marrid. Even my husband told me to stop listening to her when she says stuff like that. Oh, I can't stay at her place "cause it is dangerous for me in my condition. It is an older house with bad stairs etc. That's the explaination, I got

I would put my foot down!!!! There are other was to attend to his father, with out putting that kind of pressure on you. So be real. Invite a Chippendale over. Or get to know the neighbor when you estranged husband goes to his lady friends, plan for your neighbor to do some labor at your castle.

Sebi,I have hired people to do small things but the real major stuff is beyond my financial means.I don't wanna get myself into a corner moneywise

I don't really understand all this and I should not judge anyone. I am also here for a good friend, but my own family's needs are a priority.

I have to ask, at this point... what is in it for you in this marriage and what is in it for your husband?

Why are you staying married? From what you are describing your husband puts the needs of his friend ahead of your own.

I'm sorry for being so frank...

E.

I appreciate your blunt questions. Makes me think.. He REALLY thinks,because he is putting a roof over my head and looing afer my physical needsI.e. food etc. , that I have nothing to complain about. I really believe, he has totally lost the concept of what marriage is all about,in trying to protect himself from further devastating feelings as the ones he experienced, when I almost died. He considers himself a self-made man and refuses to askk for help from strangers(counselling, church) so ended up turning to a 'friend" because she was just there. He would probably not "gve up" on our marriage either because he IS NOT a quitter, but in the meantime, his interpretation is mind-boggling....

And how about yourself? Are you staying in this marriage because you love him and you are hoping that he will soon outgrow this "phase", or are you staying because you need his financial support?

I think you deserve better...