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Its raining on my soul



So,I live in New Jersey now; we moved from Manhattan across the Hudson rive to NJ in March. I love it there imensely but its been raining here all week and today it started to rain on my spoul. I'm usually in a much brighter mood but today I cried most of the morning... It was one of those, can't wait to get to my office, close my door and kneel to pray so I can cry afterwards kinds of days.. Weirdest thing I had a great session in OT AND PT yesterday but I woke up as usul with a bum left leg and I lefthand n arm that I still cannot control and use functioally. I was fine when I walked out of my home and got in the car. Somewhere along the drive, and its a short drive, I just felt it coming for me, sadness! A-freking-gain...? Aren;t you sick of seeing me cryiing...? I sure am sick of cryinmg but II kno better than to try and hold it in So I cried and because other than a radio interview I did today I got to be alone in my office, I cried it the H up. I prayed and cried and knelt and sat and cried and I blogged and cried and I talked with a survivor friemd p mine who was worried because Im usually picking her up ... Well, not today. Today was for cryingm just like it's for raining it cnnot be stopped it will bring healing right...? eventually Worry not durvivors I still believe healing is coming for me I'm deeply spiritual and I fully believe Gd has a plan for me nd that plan requires me to take this stroke and help my future patiwnts but here's the kick Im in the best position to really help others dealing with this kind of brain injury but without my hand and arm back Im going to be jobless ome July1.. I only worry now about when it's coming for me. The when is everything now I know I havent had to wait as long as many people here but it has bee just over a year and no matter how you slice it a year is a long time. I'm amazed, awed and inspired by the surivors that have been fighting this fight to get themselves back for years... That these rsiliant urvivors still have joy amd still keep trying give m rl hopwe. If they can hang in there and keep trying of course I can too...Thank you for fortifying me survivors :o) If I can give back one tent of what I receive I will be happy :o)NOw that I got that out. Know I am not going to give up, not for a day a week or a minute I'm never giving up opn my recovery. Well not until Im recovered :oP


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I still have those days too. In fact, Saturday night, with no help from the weather, or anything/one else, I had one of those evenings. And just like you, I am a very spiritual person and believe that thre is still healing for me.


I guess, every now and then, we have to pay a little sadness for all of the happiness/positive energy we pull from inside, Heaven, and everywhere else, to be able to maintain that upbeat personality. Everything in balance.


The sad, frustrated, hurting times are the times I look to this board and the blogs for comfort and the ability to push through the sadness too. I always find it, especially with those survivors I have a bond. Know that you are one of them!


Feel better. We all have blue days. That's why we are all in my prayers.


hug.gif hugs,


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hey pheonix:


I am sorry this crummy wet weather of NJ is getting you down, hopefully your period hormones are not playing part in it. For me those PMS hormones makes me angry at people I love the most like my family. but someone once told me once unless you have down days how will you appreciate good day & even size 2 model also has bad days, so you are allowed for sad days in your life. If it gets you down too much then start making list of things you are greatful for in your life & read good spritual book or do exercise, whatever helps you beat the blue.


hope for better tomorrow.



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I've noticed with me that sometimes directly after some little gain or success I feel lower after the 'high. I've started to think I have a little addiction to the 'feel good chemical boosts I get from a move forward. And often, like last week, my 'good' thing isn't a fully returned function. example: stepping in to the tub shower last week, my affected foot cleared the tub rim as I brought my second bent back knee step in to the shower. No dragging toes over... a first.. Well, since then I haven't cleared it and yeah, it bummed me out a little. I know it's the three step forward , two back thing...but still, I want all my reward cookies to stay..everyday. So, my good days are often making more of a stark contrast to my average days by not giving me some chemical perks. At least, thats how I'm seeing some of my downs.

You've got company on the ride,


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Phoenix, I've had a crying day also. I like your subject title "It's raining on my soul"...that's a good way of describing the hurt that's making me cry today. There's no doubt in my mind that you've got more healing to come! Keep up the hard work and it will pay off for you.


I'm caregiver to my husband who stroked two years ago.





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Oriana, you are not alone. I live in NYC, and this cold, wet weather has me down, too. For the second day, I decided not to go outside for my walk, I think for the first time since I came home from rehab 16 months ago! The plus side side is that I got to

walk several laps in the hall of my building to see how fast I could walk with the e-stim device and I did very well.

You have given us a lot of hope on SN, with your great attitude and determination to recover. Your old self is gone--forget it, but your new post-stroke self gives everyone here a new boost in recovery. You have a great deal to give others as you move ahead. Crying is OK! I'm 70, and I find myself breaking down all the time--fancy, a 70 yo ex-Marine! All the best, Henry

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Orianna time for a reality check you are a HUMAN BEING in order to give & care as much as U do your emotions have to be close to the surface.

I believe when we are tring to get through something - we go fwd a while trying our best, trying to preten all is & will be ok we R pull off this charde untuntil the negative pressure & pain builds so high inside it is much like s pressure cooker & crying is our way of releasing steam , cleansing oourself from the setback & allowing us to smile & start all over again on the right path. it will be repeated over & over again until we have peeled back allthe layers of the onion - m my analogy for emotional stuff - gotts peel away the layers to het to the core remember "if at first you don't succeed"

allowe it to happen when needed, you'll probably feel the load is a little lighterwith love & appreciation for all U have done for me - Susan

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Ory - one other thought you can now fully explain emotional labiity to a patient - unfortunately


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thanks everybody for you insights and kind encouragement. Today is a much better day :o) Yesterday was weirdbut its over and Im not upset with myself for crying a lot in the end it felt better getting it out. In the end I think I managed to cry just enough to get through my radio interview without too much sobbing. It will air next Friday on WBGO which is a Newark based jazz station on cchannel 88.3 AM in the NY NJ area. TTim and I will be on tv, channel 13 at 6pm or on NJN whi vh is New Jersey Network, you'fd have to google NJN and check your local listings... if you're interested. I didn't really say anything groundbreaking. I save all my groundbreaking for other survivors and caregivers LOL :oP Oh, the mirror therapy I did last night...So Im sittin on the end of the chaise part of our sectional sofa. both of my feet are planted on the floor. I then put the all mirror standing up on the floor between my knees with my left ( affected leg) on the back side of the mirror and out of sight unless I lean left. When I lean right and look down I seemy right leg and in the mirror I see the reflection of my right leg which looks like my left leg. I know my left leg is behind the mirror but it is important that when doing this therapy you're not looking at the affected leg only the reflectinon of the good leg. you want your brain to believe its in control of the affected limb again so you dont want it getting the negative feedback of looking at an immobile limb So , I then slid my feet forward, extending both legs. that part is easy to do, even wiht my left leg; it wasn't always easy but I hve decent quad strength now{ key word being now} and flexing my left knee has been my real problem, and still is. The next part is where the mirror magic happened. I started to slowly bend my right knee thus sliding my right foot back towards my body so my knee would bend further. I looked in the mirror as I did this and it looks like Im bening both knees. I 'm figuring behind the mirror, where I can't seeit my left leg is still stting stillextended, unaffected by my mind thinkinh bend your legs Ory but then my left knee started to bend! It wasnt strong or full range but it wa more knee flexion than I usually get! I got to about 90 degrees at my knee! So I just kept looking in the mirror enjoying the positive reinforcement of seeing what looks like both of my leg bending to my command and when I looked at my real left leg I got to see it bending too, enter even more positive reinforcement. :o) In that position I also tried lifting my toes and flexig my ankle. Hey, its a start :o) and its painless, free and harmless so why not; I'll be dong it again tonight after Im done with ton'is excercise homework :o) Toni's excercie homework will require m to lay down on the floor or a bed if more easibile on my stomach. I will then bend my knees like Im trying to do but kicks. I already know this will be tough given my knee eding difficulties butnothing ventured... Lesse, I think you might be on to something about maybe getting lower ater a day of gains.. I had a great OT session on Tuesay; I was able to etend my left arm fully whivh I usually cnnot do :o) and then Wednesday hit me like a ton ofbricks. Maybe I was coming down...?

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Oriana: Bruce has his blue days as well. Just came off of two weeks of incredible recovery and he no longer has formal PT-OT, just his pool and going into work two days for a few hours. We now volunteer at our local animal shelter once a week. Back to square one for the past two days. He is quiet, not sleeping. I am just so disappointed, even though I know this is normal recovery.


But I ask that you file those blue days away, remember how you felt, what you needed. This is what will make something positive. Bring that to your Patients! You must have read here by now all the interactions we caregivers and survivors have had with our Neuros. For Bruce and I, we need him on the team, but personally, honey, he has no clue! He wants us in and out, quickest. Sighs heavily when he sees me bring out the list-lol! The Vascular Surgeon spends more time with us and all he is doing is an ultrasound to see if the stent is still functioning properly!


How do you feel? What is going on? Why aren't you walking Bruce, what has happened? Is your pain under control? How is the tone? Are you having trouble sleeping? I run everything by him before doing, make sure everyone emails their consults. Funny thing was the day of the stroke, when no one would talk to me, I insisted the nurse get him on the phone. He spent 20 minutes. Reviewed everything: what happened, what was damaged, prognosis. That was the last time we were individuals to him and not just a paycheck.


Reassure your patients that this is normal healing. Offer advice as to what got you through those days.

Bring it to the table! Best, Debbie

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