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climbed that mountain... but still have my gear for another climb


ksmith

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I believe I hit a mile stone. I was always trying to not accept how far were my limits or what I can do for I always wanted to keep the hope alive that, even though I knew what was realistic, could be better... When I reached that point ( reaching my limitations), I got scared angry because I didn’t want it to be ‘ my cap’.   Now that it’s happened ,holy cow ,I feel better but I do understand that I may revert back to other “stages of grief  but sadly my co workers heard the 12 years of trying to accept my stroke in 3 hours. So they got the whirlwind . I am very aware that not everyone can work but I’m very aware that everyone ,at some point will come to a realization such as this and although it can be scary and It can make you angry it is a relief, at least for me.
 I am very aware that not everyone is going to be happy with the results that they have been left with from the stroke but to accept this is you is a relief, at least again for me. I know that my 'safe space' is the beach. I decided to take my camera for a friend of mine and I were talking about his photography. I wasn't even in the mood or had it even occurred to take photos.  As I was trying, and this wasn't the right camera for outside for this was a LCD display to look at.  I began to slow down and listening to my music, I began to slow down.   Sitting on the beach reminded me it’s not that bad and it’ll be all alright.  I know where my Zen Den is.  💓

 

I'm glad I found that place for the co-worker I spoke to first, ended up going to the ER (via ambulance) for chest pains.. but she has A LOT on her plate even before me and **update She's OK*** (( back story.... This was Sunday night at 9:00p and I had already been up since 8a and due to another health issue with staff- they called me. I'm the closet. I took a nap ** 1.5 hrs** the work 11pm-7am and it was I was overly tired but I thought I was still able to do what I used to for I getting into a 'groove' well NOPE.. thankfully all my co workers understand and my supervisor knows my father for she ran cross country when my father was the coach so she reached out to make sure I was and he explained how I  so worked in the past. Granted Pre stroke and unmedicated ADHD.  So the short of the long is I can't and that's OK and all is good at work)))

 

*****side side side note: NO One at work had ever known me to completely have a mental split,, of sorts... and now they have seen and heard the worst. I never said nor showed anything to any individual ( resident)  of the Group Home****

 

And you can hear people say to accept is easy... but is it? Many who say they have "Despite being one of the most important life hacks any of us can master, the practice of acceptance is enduringly difficult. Where many of us get stuck is that we start out with a warped understanding of what acceptance is and how it works. We think that accepting something means getting over it. But this isn’t the case"  Link-(acceptance ) 

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Hi Kelli, it's a bit scrambled but I think I follow what happened. Sounds like you had one of those moments where you hit the wall hard and people around you, who hadn't realised there is a wall, were surprised and got hit by the shrapnel.  I totally get the acceptance thing, so many people think to accept is to give in, it isn't its a realisation that you are at peace with where you are and how you got there, it doesn't mean you stop working for more or better, but it does mean you stop beating yourself up.

 

The beach or the bush is my Zen/recharge space, glad you got to the beach to wind down.

HUGS

-Heather

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Kelli:

 

I had trouble understanding jumbled thoughts glad heather simplified for my brain, reaching acceptance is hard, but once you reach there it is pretty serene place to be in. keep on marching forward & life will unfold to the way you want it.

 

hugs

Asha

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"Most things will be okay eventually" really struck a chord with me. It has been my experience but of course being an impatient fool from time to time I've thought whatever it was I wanted would never happen and I often really wanted it to happen without the experience to build up to it. So thanks to people like ASHA who have taught me to go with the flow. Now I am realising that accepting where I am right now is important too.

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I Apologize for the jumbled and that is yet another reason I don't blog nor post a lot. My mind gets jumbled easy 🙂 

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No need to apologise Kelli, we all have our challenges, the thing is to live our own best lives despite them. We worked it out and you shared both are good things!

-Heather

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Kelli I love your post. I'm sorry about your blowout but I feel things like this has happened to me at moments. I am or was the most patient laid back person but at times I find myself filling with anxiety, frustration, anger, a potty mouth 😒 for lack of a better word and easily pushed past the point of no return. 😳 Those moments can be/have been so daunting and usually end with a battered Tracy crying and stuttering. I can honestly say that though I am not thrilled with many of the things I deal with I am happy and best of all I love me. You amaze me all the time! Just know I am cheering you on all the time. 

 

Acceptance... To me is a peaceful transition. I'm not 100% but I know when I wake up each morning (or afternoon) that I reaffirm this word acceptance. I think it is important how one evaluates the meaning of this word too. I certainly have met many survivors with a not so positive feeling about "acceptance". For me... When I felt this for the first time (I've teeter tottered many times) I felt such a sense of inner peace and lightness. I was ready to start allowing myself to enjoy life instead of waiting for "when I am better". It doesn't mean giving up at all for me. In fact, my acceptance changes and grows as time passes. Am I always there? I can without hesitation say no. But when I am... Life is so much more for me. It allows me to know I am enough today... To love me today. That by no means says I give up or do not try to improve. It does say that for today... Tracy you are enough! To all of you... Today you are enough! Enjoy every moment, dream, aspire, reach for new goals... Every day you are enough! I'm close to 6 years post stroke and trust me I haven't always felt like this and I still struggle from time to time. It's a process and it takes time and it morphs. I am so happy that I can remind myself even on a "bad" day that I am enough and I love me. I have a feeling I will be a work in progress for a long time to come. I feel like now I can breathe easier, feel joy and hope, and look forward instead of always looking back. Thank you for sharing this uplifting post... ❤️

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me too, my wife hates it when i cuss or throw something.Its frustrating to work so hard and improve so slightly,I find if I make my goals very short, it helps me.

drive to the store/walk in after parking/get a power buggy to ride/find my purchases/pay/leave/drive safely home. I break it down.

that helps me not get frustrated.

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Tracy, I reread your acceptance paragraph and smiled because as an aged and somewhat diminished person I am facing the other side of the picture. My thinking is: " while I am still able" my acceptance being of my lessening ability to work long hours in the garden or do three things in the one day now.

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I'm so glad my explanation for myself resonated with you guys! Today is one of those days for me....struggled all day long to keep my focus and mind together. My daughter has been here with me and we even got out to dinner but i have been on a tight rope all day and swaying back in forth between totally losing it and panic attack to keeping it together. I am glad this doesn't upset my daughter...she has been telling me all day "You are ok. Breathe." I needed her support today. When we finally came home I've never been so relieved and i blew out a sigh of relief. My safe spot. I came back to reread my post because Asha said she really liked it during chat (doesn't surprise me that I didn't remember what I wrote). It made me smile too! :smile:

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