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It has been almost a year...


WfnShow330

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since my last blog.

 

I am writing this with mixed emotions now.

 

All that comes to mind is; I tried, I really did. My 42 birthday was in March and I realized all the things I have been missing out on. I can't do this anymore. I need to start thinking about ME for a change.

 

I see all our family and friends doing whatever they want whenever they want. I want that. I want to be able to sleep in one morning. To be able to come and go as I please. To just be me. I haven't seen me in a long time.

 

Am I weak? Am I a quitter? Am I just being selfish? I still am dealing with the guilt of my current decision. I always will. I know what it means. I know the consequences.

 

I guess basically what I am saying is I want out. Now I am another statistic. My family and close friends I have discussed it with totally understand, even our kids. Why is that? Some don't though. How could you say that unless you have walked a 100 miles in my shoes? Spend one day doing what I do, and your mind will change.

 

I haven't discussed it with Lisa or her parents yet. Soon. Very soon. It will be hard. I hope that I can get some understanding. If the roles were reversed, it would have already happened.

 

I don't know if I will blog again. This site and all of you have helped me through some of the darkest times in my life and I thank all of you. I hope to hear from you again.

 

Butch

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Butch,

I don't know you so went back and read through your threads. I've been on Stroke Net for almost two years now.

 

Care giving has got to be difficult. I read Sue's blogs and Ann Rogers' blogs and know there are no easy days. Obviously, you have given it a great deal of thought.

 

I wish you well in whatever decision you ultimately decide on. You have hung in there.

 

Stessie

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Dear Butch,

I don't know you either but can empathize with your life right now. I cared for my husband after his stroke and having been an RN for 25 years did not even prepare me for the hardest thing I have ever done. He sadly died 3 months later from a second stroke but I know that, caring him with no help or relief, lifting him (200) lbs several times a day was not going to last forever. I was on a 10 foot leash and could not get out of his sight. I felt like at times, I too had had a stroke or might as well have. You are right, unless someone has walked a very long way in your shoes, they have no right to judge. I pray you will find the courage and peace of mind to make this decision with God's help. Bless you now and always..............Joy

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Butch, I was 43 when Ray had his first stroke in 1990, 52 when he had his major strokes in 1999 which retired us both, me to take care of him. I chose to leave work to care for him so I remake that decision every day. It is hard even for me at 62 to have a life that is yoked to being a caregiver and nurse and cleaner and...the list goes on.

 

Only you can make this decision and only you know how easy or difficult it will be to live with its ramifications. For me divorce would cut away all those friends and supporters who are here for us now and maybe even split my family as some would choose to support Ray in his ongoing struggle with life.

 

I know it is your decision and wish you well in whatever lies ahead for you.

 

Sue.

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Butch, I don't know you but I also went back and read your previous blogs. I agree with every ones comments. Turn to your spiritual guidance,

is a suggestion. You are blogging about is a crying out for love. I am speaking out of experience. I have been stroked twice, and my caregiver (bless his soul, husband) had to resort to picking a fight with me to enable him to justfy to himself to go and leave me at home alone. I would cry for about 5 minutes then ask my Holy Spirit to help me understand what just went on.

After meditating on that question the answer came to me while I was watching a TV program. Answers come to you in many different forms. Mine came in the TV, I was meant to be watching and heard until you walk in my shoes you won't know how the burden hangs on you.

 

Now I am the caregiver, two years after my last stroke and he is the stroke victim. Now we both have deficiency, I want to run away at times but can't drive by myself. As I said I've read your past post and you thanked God. You may think you are not 'religious' but guess what? Yep, you may not be a 'formal religious person' this is just a guess in my amind I getting you look at life methaphysically , Sgmund_Freud says it in Wikipedia The Life and Death Drives.

 

Please keep blogging, remembertolaugh, your therapy is our therapy. Jeanniebean

P.S. PM me anytime.

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Butch,

 

I will hope and pray that Lisa and ger family understand your feelings. Caregiving is not for the weak hearted and you have proved you are a very strong person.

 

As you face this change in your life, know that you will be thought of here and missed very much; please keep in touch as you can ad feel comfortable in doing. You are family to us.

 

As Jeannie said, you can pm any of us.

 

 

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Butch,

 

I got an idea how you must be feeling from what you say in this blog. I too went back to your posts to read a little bit of what is going on in your life as you have told us your friends and members. All I can say as a survivor myself like Lisa is it's an individual decision one has to make right or wrong.

 

I'm in my fourth marriage, 11 years yesterday June 9Th, I face many decisions daily with our marriage, one was to retire from all work, live as best I can with what I have left. Her sexual desires have died while mine got stronger, that's a problem for any marriage or relationship.

 

At the same time I can't forget how she stuck by me when I needed it the most even quitting her job to care fully for me who couldn't even walk at that time. So I say to you do what you feel best doing and I pray it's the decision you can live with years from now.

 

I plan on blogging and chatting here plus do some things I have neglected for 5 years. Hope to see you on line more real soon.

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Hi Butch,

 

I am somewhat surprised to read your blog. Of all the male caregiver/spouses to come through this site, you were one of the few I thought would make it. But statistically and sadly you're right on track for marriages that fail after a stroke. I don't think the guilt of 'cutting and running' will ever leave you---it human nature when you've loved someone in another lifetime. So with that in mind, you might want to explore the idea of still doing something to remain in Lisa's life in a limited way---maybe be someone who can be counted on a couple times a month to give relief to whoever takes over the caregiver role. Or if she goes into a nursing home, still visit a couple times a month. All I'm saying is it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation, especially if Lisa and her parents find some compassion in their hearts for you....and I think they very well may be able to do that as the shock of your leaving passes. Then again it might not be a shock at all for them. I'm sure they know you well enough to see the strain and toll this has taken on you. Whatever happens, You still have my respect and best wishes. Putting your life back together won't be easy but time does truly heal a multitude of heartache and pain.

 

Jean

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