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  1. hello all, im not sure what to write honestly. I'm really glad I was able to find this forum. I felt really alone for awhile. And I apologize in advance if this is the wrong topic to post in, or if my post is too long 😞 I guess I'll start with my story. On August 2nd 2017, it was about midnight. I was 25 at the time, exactly 4 weeks postpartum holding my newborn son. I was walking to the room that my husband was sleeping in during his break from night duty. As I approached the room, the hallway started to spin and I held the wall, screaming nonesense to my husband. I ended up having a right arterial dissection. I was able to get my son on the bed before I fell. My husband had no clue what was happening, so he called medics. I was in and out of the hospital in 24hrs, had a couple problems with my dexterity and walking, but i was fine? The neurologist at the hospital told me it was caused from a car accident I was in earlier that year. He said it would heal up and id be fine. Great! Don't have to worry about having another one!!!! Wrong. Beginning of March this year, I started having dizzy spells, But they would pass. I figured it was because I hadn't eaten enough that day; at least thats what my husband assured me of. On March 14th, around midnight, I had a left ischemic stroke. The initial right dissection never healed completely, and launched a blood clot into a left artery. Took me 3 days to get to the hospital, thought I had a severe ear infection since I couldn't walk straight and my eye was drooping. I mean, I couldnt have another stroke, right? I was 27, my 28th birthday was in 2 days, my daughter was going to be 1 in a week, my 2 year old son was starting to form sentences, my husband was overworked: I COULDN'T have another stroke. I'm lucky: not one deficiency that didn't clear up. Being 28, fortunately age is on my side. But I'm mentally unwell. Panic attacks constantly, starting about 1 month ago. Not sure why this anxiety started 5 months post stroke? Whenever I dont feel well, like if my head hurts or I'm nauseous at night, I believe im having another stroke. Nights are always the scariest for me, since both of my strokes were late at night. Even though Im seeing my primary neurologist, a neuroradiologist, a hematologist, a psychiatrist and a therapist consistently, i cant shake the feeling that im going to have another one. Theres no surgery to help. Turns out i was born with small fragile vertebral arteries. I can only rely on medication for the rest of my life. I dont mind that; it is what it is. But research says that those with 2+ strokes doubles the risk of dying within the next 2 years. I take all of the medications given to me, same times of the day. I am 20lbs short of a healthy bmi. No drinking, no smoking, nothing. I feel like I'm finally getting my life together, but the panic attacks won't stop. I cant breathe, I cant swallow food. Does anyone have any insight? Please. This is not a sympathy post. Please don't tell me to "buck up" or "get over it": my 26 yr old husband tells me that frequently. I'm grateful for what i have, and im so so grateful to have found you all; im not alone anymore. Do those who've had 2+ strokes have any chance to live? Am I going to see my kids graduate high-school, college, meet my future grandchildren? My grandmother didn't even survive her 2 strokes, the last one killing her at 62. I'm just afraid my clock is ticking too fast and I'm unable to enjoy it.
  2. Hello all. It's been a looong while since I've blogged. My DVR ( Disability Vocational Rehabilitation) coach had passed the idea to me about blogging. I'm not very good at this but here ya go. I talk a lot but I really don't like talking a lot about me. Honestly. I'll ice the cake as they say but don't like to make the filing. ( crap.. Sassy got my thinking of food)) :wish: Most, if not all of you know I'm divorced and am living with my family. I enjoy immensely being there. I have a good relationship with them. I tend to forget that I'm a mother, of two boys,and 40. It's like I', reliving my teen years which I have no memory of. My parents aren't treating as a 'kid' but rather I am. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm old enough to take care of myself, if circumstances were different. The troubling part of this, and I may have said this before, is I'm not heart broken. As a result of my stroke , I've lost a incredible amount of my memories and coincidentally the first 9 years of being my ex-husband. So after the stroke, unbeknownst to me, there was a matter which divided myself and him. Despite that he stood by my side as my cheerleader for the first 5 years of my stroke. So we are still incredibility close friends and I'm still super close to his family. I mean 15 years if hard to throw away.. or is it? As the time passes, its horrible to say but the memories and closeness I shared with his father is starting to fade. And it scares me. I realize it's not my fault and I'm not to worry myself about that for as long as the people in my life aw aware of my memory issues, the have to understand that there are some things out of mt control, such as this. I've been so very proud of the positive stance I've taken on so many things. There was something I read that stuck with me and that was; The person who tries to make everyone happy is normally the one in the most pain' That really hit a chord with me because I have admitted and have been told I tend to see life through rose colored lenses. That​ always isn't a bad thing but I maybe seeing life with not a care in the world and that scares me..This may sound pretentious but I never had to pay for health insurance, bills and now I think the reality is coming at me full force. I'm not being asked to move out of my parents. I'm just venting I guess for If I talk about it in the end I work it out. So I'm currently at my ex husbands house helping out getting our son up ad to and from school while he is working. He works past the time of Latched Kay after school programs. Now here is the issue i have. I don't mind helping out.. I don't really do anything anyway. BUT.. if I wanted.. I can't but i also know he is my son and I never had the joint custody thing. The plus is he doesn't expect me to do housework,cook only for my son and I. He's still the same easy going understanding guys who watched me start off from scratch to what I am now. He has been informed when I find a job, I can't make all these trips. My only fear is, and we've not talked about it as of yet , is I'll tell him I can't help anymore for gas and travel and exhaustion, I'll be basically cut out. My therapist told me i will always be his mom, i get that. Many of my family have made the observation that once he had a child, that was it. Now I'm sure that's not the case but I have nothing to judge that on for I don't remember. So here lies the conundrum. Thanks for letting me ramble.