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((HUGS)) Like getting a pet put down when they are really sick and there's nothing more you can do, when you know you know and even though it hurts it's actually a great relief.

 

Take care And I hope you don't have to wait too long to find a placement.

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Thank you for your kind words Heather. It is like putting a pet down (I've done it) but somehow it's more relief than sad. Isn't that odd. 48 year relationship, and I'm relieved it's ending. [ I just typed that and didn't think of it that way until I proof read it ] 

 

Just to get this out there, I had three opportunities to end this nightmare. I didn't take them. I wanted to make sure I did everything and more, just to know I would have no regrets. I'm glad I took that approach. Because - - I have no regrets. 

 

Oh, and Heather, I don't think it will take that long for placement. The caseworker saw the condition of my sisters house. That's all I will say about it. 

Edited by LgSeaunier
Had to add last paraph
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CONGRATULATIONS on completing the first 2 steps ( asking  for help (1),  and (2) meeting with your assigned social worker for the 1st time.)  You did very well, and I'm sure you'll  breeze through the remaining steps. Good luck, Becky

 

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On 2/12/2021 at 7:23 AM, LgSeaunier said:

Though I'd  report what's happened. February 10 2021 I put my engagement ring back in its ring box, it doesn't mean anything to either of us anymore. On the 11th I made a report to DSHS for abuse. This, I feel, is the beginning of the end of this. It's OK though, I have a bright future ahead of me. 

 

On 2/18/2021 at 6:45 PM, LgSeaunier said:

A caseworker came to the house today. I privately told her I couldn't do it anymore. She said "when you know it's time... " I nodded and said its time. "placement then?" she asked. I said yes. She will be working on placement for my lover. You know - - when she drove away, a huge relief came over me. 

 

Just thought I'd report. 

May I say that when I left my abusive ex-partner ( many years ago when in Florida) I said I was not sorry for leaving for after a while my love for him was lost after the verbal and physical abuse ,over the course of 7.5 years ,and a son together. It still was hard for I became comfortable with life, despite being hell, and when I finally escaped ( and yes I said that correctly for I waited for him to be at work and my father drove down to get us) I was in counseling for sometime for I blamed myself for things even though I knew it wasn't true and I was willing to go back, at one point,  and the words said were imbedded into my brain and still, even after 27 years,  I have self doubting thoughts.  My point is.. I know it's hard and I'm sorry that you are watching a shift in your partner, not like mine who was just an arse, change into someone you don't recognize anymore. If I may make a suggestion, talking to someone may not be a bad thing. You may not think you need to but i know it helped me 

x

  

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Thank you Heather there really isn't anything else to say. 

 

Ksmith, thank you for reminding me of what I posted. I needed that reminder. Thank you also for telling me some of your past. In a weird way it's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I'll think about finding someone to talk to, not knowing who but it's worth looking for someone. 

 

FYI. This is the third day of constant verbal abuse and control of me. If I try to talk to him about it, it only makes it worse, so I just clam up and become numb. The caseworker will be calling me Monday morning (tomorrow) I hope she has good news. I told my astranged partner tonight, I will not put up with a fourth day of this. You know what he said? "Oh yes you will! !"

 

Well, good night my friends I check and read posts every night when he's asleep, just for some comfort in knowing that others out there understand and are listening to my ramblings. A big 😘 to you all. 

 

Question :

What would the police do if I called them out, other than talk to us and make a report. 

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Lg, I  almost suggested this as an option to you to speed things up- it has its advantages, and one disadvantage that may make charging him a no - go.  

When he assaults you, call 911 and when the police arrive, tell them what happened,  and that DHS is involved and trying to place him in a facility for this kind of behavior. SHOW THEM WHATEVER YOU MAY HAVE FROM THEM TO PROVE THIS.

The police may ask you if you want to charge him, say 'yes'., and they will take him off to jail. He probably won 't stay there  long because DHS will take him and put him in a temporary placement until a more permanent one can be found.    Another way, and possibly the best way, to handle this would be for you to call the crisis or Helpline, whatever it's called  in your neck of the woods. they will probably send him to the local hospital to be evaluated, and then sent either to the psychiatric treatment floor of the hospital or to a State facility. This may all sound very complicated, but it really isn't as there will be someone there to help you. The major issue that I saw with involving the police is that you may, at some point have to testify against your partner, and I didn't know how you would feel about that. Also, keep in mind that laws may differ by state. So, while I've tried to cover the bases, the bases may differ in your neck of the woods. Good luck.   Becky

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A huge wave of regret flowed  over and through me tonight. Am I doing the right thing? He wanted me to talk about it but I don't want him to get verbal on me again. As I kept getting this wave after wave of not doing the right thing I got angrier and angrier. I never do the right thing. Should I put a stop to what I've started?? I don't know anymore. I'm a piece of dung, a cowpie, a worm casting, for even thinking of myself first. He has no one but me in this world. I'm doing the wrong thing???

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No, L g.You're not doing the wrong thing, but the only thing that you can do to help him.

If he would get in a car, and go willingly to see a doc once a week or so this wouldn't be necessary .But, he won't do that

So what are you supposed to do? Wait, and do nothing until he does some real damage to you or to himself, or others?

When is enough going to be enough?   Becky

 

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LG, you are not being selfish, well no more selfish than a person needs to be, you are important too. Don't ever forget that you are worthy of respect and help and what he is doing is NOT ACCEPTABLE and it is not your fault!  It may not be his fault either, but its not something that can be changed. Don't be guilted into being a victim.  Your survival is as important as his.

You are a worthy human being and the fact you are agonising over this proves it.

((HUGS))

Heather

 

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How do I get the gumption to do what needs to be done? I don't know how. I told my "partner" tonight, that I don't want him in my life anymore. There was no reaction and no emotion about it. In fact, he told me he didn't want me in his life either. I told him that to see if there was anything left in him. There wasn't. So I ask... How do I get the gumption? I don't have fortitude for it either. I've never been in the position to break up with anyone. I don't know how to do it. Could someone help me out please? He tells me often that he's getting OUT. I'm tired of this nightmare! Can't somebody wake me up??

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The hard part here is that you have to wait for them to find him a place. You can't just walk away now which is what you really need to do.  If they don't have a permanent place for him, can you get him a respite placement for a few weeks to give you some space and peace to plan?  You need to find a way to make finding him a placement urgent. I suppose you could just pack your things and leave and then call social services and let them know he is alone and unable to care for himself. The question is could you live with yourself if you did that?

 

A break up is hard enough at the best of times but even harder when you are stuck under the same roof and one party can't or won't abide by peaceful coexistence "rules"

 

Sending love and hugs to you

-Heather

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lg, I DON'T SEE THE NEED FOR YOU TO say anything to him along those lines. I think you said some time ago that he can remember things for, at most, 20 min. So you stress over what to say, and how to say it, and he doesn't remember what you said 20 min. later. In addition, he doesn't seem to process things. And he has this flat, unresponsive affect So, saying anything to him right now is going to hurt and affect you way more than it will him. For what? What's the point? To hurt you more? I THINK YOU CAN LET IT BE. i YOU WANT/NEED TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM, SAY IT WHEN HIS LEAVING IS IMMINENT.

  Ii know Heather means well, but PLEASE DON'T JUST GO OFF, AND LEAVE HIM There alone. Anything could happen. He could find the  road, and walk down the middle of it, and be hit. Or decide to take down that tree that's half dead with your chainsaw. I worked for CPS-Child Protection Services for 28 yrs, What you have is an Adult Protective social worker. And, I'm not sure how DHS would react to your leaving him to fend for himself. They cannot, I THINK, HOLD YOU LEGALLY RESPo9nsible for his care and supervision, but as MCCONNELL said of Trump after his impeachment trial, you are morally and ethically responsible...DHS would really like to have you charged with a crime if he were hurt while alone. I

 

 

 

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Does he have family that you could contact and inform them that he is going to require someone to be with him in the near future?  

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On 3/1/2021 at 1:14 AM, LgSeaunier said:

  In fact, he told me he didn't want me in his life either. I told him that to see if there was anything left in him. There wasn't. 

OK I see this two fold, hear me out.. 

1) I will always defer to my abusive relationship for it reminds me of that.. guilting you to stay for dominance 

2) Damage to specific parts of the brain can cause what you are complaining about the things that he is  experiencing (  HERE 

that being said, I DO NOT think because he has damage that justifies what has been happening and agree for your own mental health leaving is the right thing to do!!  I do think that having a serious conversation with either his family or with your local office for disabilities , normally in a shared department with the department of aging ( but check with either your county or state offices) and share your concerns and let them know you can't deal with it anymore. You do have the legal right to say you can't do it and have no guilt for your health is just as important as his.  

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No. He has no family. An only child & both parents are gone from this world. Which is why it's ethically and morally such a struggle for me.

 

He was yelling so loudly outside today, that 4 sheriff cars stopped by to have a chat. I told one sheriff I was trying to get him placed. He asked who the caseworker was, I told him, he said she is really good.

 

At least they all had a sense of humor about it. 

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I think when this is all over, I'll write a story about it. GOOD Thearapy (not spelled right? Hmmm. Spellchecker don't like it) hope you understand my thought. 

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My birthday tomorrow 3-3-19-- planned a good meal to cook. Hope I can, BBQ spareribs, corn bread, asparagus, and potato salad. Yummy 

 

Please Lord, make it a pleasant day! 

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Lg, I RE-READ MY LAST POST TO YOU LAST NIGHT AND FELT THAT IT WAS UNNECESSARILY HARSH AND UNCLEAR. i APOLOGIZE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. i WAS ANGRY THAT YOU'RE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AND THAT THERE ARE FEW RESOURCES TO HELP YOU. 

THEN I REMEMBERED SOMETHING; YEARS AGO, SOME PEOPLE REALIZED THAT THERE WERE AN AWFUL LOT OF KIDS RUNNING AROUND WHO ALL HAD THE SAME PROBBLEMS; THEY WERE COMBATIVE, BELLIGERENT, AND NO ONE KNEW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.HENCE, THE TERM, 'WILLIE M" WAS BORN, AND ALOT OF CASH FLEW INTO IT. GROUP HOMES SPRANG UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. I THINK THE WILLIE M'S COULD BE IN THE PROGRAM UNTIL THEY AGED OUT AT 21. BUT, THEN WHAT? THEN THEY WENT INTO GROUP HOMES FOR ADULT WILLIE M'S, ONLY, THEY WEREN'T CALLED  M'S"ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY HAD AGED OUT. IF YOUR LOVER ASSAULTED ONE OF THEM, THEY'D JUST  KNOCK HIM ON HIS BUM AND WALK AWAY. THEN BOTH WOULD BE DISCIPLINED. WHAT A WAY TO LEARN, BUT IT WORKS!THIS INFO GAVE ME HOPE THAT AN APPROPRIATE PLACEMENT COULD BE FOUND.MAYBE NOT STRICTLY FOR ADULT WILLIE0M;S, BUT SIMILAR.PLACING HIM IS WHAT IS GOING TO TAKE ALOT OF TIME AS HE DOESN'T FALL EASILY INTO ANY CATEGORY FOR TREATMENT SUCH AS NURSING HOME OR PSYCHIATRIC PLACEMENT. MAYBE YOUR VCASEWORKER KNOWS OF ONE OR KNOWS OF SOMEONE TO ASK ABOUT  IT.   BECKY

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Hello my friends;

This is going to be a rather lengthy post, so bear with me.

 

Date 3/7/2021

I'm typing this in the hospital. My partner turned for the worse and the doctors have given up on him. According to them, he's die-ing. The doctor talked to me this morning and the team here has given up on him. He has less than six months to live, they say. Much less time they say. They suggest I take him to hospice and- - - “just let him go”.

 

I found this out in one day. 3/4/2021. the day after my 63rd birthday.

 

Let me tell you a story...

 

I have lived with chronic back pain for thirty years (due to my father). Then, when I was a maintenance

man at a 96 unit apartment complex, I was working in the attic when the floor dropped out from under me. I dropped eight feet and landed in a heap on the floor below. My legs started to not work, and a long story short, Western Doctors told me they wanted to do surgery. I had a 50/50 shot of it working slightly, or being paralyzed in a wheelchair for the rest of my life. NOT GOOD ODDS ! ! So - - in the town I was in, there was an office for an acupuncture/herbalist Doctor. I did research on her, and she was taught acupuncture/herbology from her father in China. She started learning her fathers craft at 12, and had her first patient at 17. Later in life, she traveled to America and graduated from Harvard medicine at the top of her class. She is a Doctor in Eastern and Western Medicine, but treats with Eastern. I made an appointment and five treatments later, My left leg didn't drag anymore. And as I continued the treatments, I was able to walk like things didn't happen. I'm walking today because that doctor treated me without surgery. Needless to say, I have great faith in this woman.

 

Well... I woke up this morning with a powerful thought.

 

My waking thought was to contact that Eastern Medicine Doctor and have her save my partners' life. I talked with Hospice Representative this morning, and they are willing to work with my idea of care. They may have acupuncturists on staff but she had not heard of that particular Doctor. I told her that if we worked with the assigned Caseworker, for a caregiver to take care of him while I go back to work and to help us find a place to move into. Hospice can help us with anything they have to offer, and I call the Eastern Medicine into the picture (I'm willing to pay for acupuncture from this Dr if I need to). The Hospice representative agreed that that was a good plan of action. I told her “let's do it.” She will make some calls, I will make some calls, and I can work with two agencies and Eastern Medicine to save my partners life. I have great faith in this doctor, she saved me from paralysis.

 

Date 3/9/2021

Update...I e-mailed the acupuncturist/herbalist, and she returned her reply within thirty minutes. She can not help any more than what the Doctors have already done. I am sitting in my partners room at a hospice house waiting for the ambulance with him in it, to arrive. Sadly - - - this is where my partner will pass away.

 

I have done quite a lot of thinking about handing him off to someone else. I thought I really wanted that - - but I realized something through all this grief - - - It isn't my PARTNER I wanted to hand off to someone else - - it was the ILLNESS.

 

My partner said something the other day that hit me between the eyes. “Don't let me go”. I told him without hesitation, “I don't ever want to - - Never.” he closed his eyes and went to sleep for a while. He taught me what true love is. I never would have known without him. He taught me so many things it would fill the Strokenet site to recite them all.

 

Something has been pressing on me ever since the realization of loosing him sunk in. Where will I leave his remains? Then it hit me. As I read the paperwork Hospice house gave me. I can't leave him in a cemetery in this town. The only answer is to cremate him and bring his ashes with me to the property. After all - - that is our dream that - - almost - -was ours. I think it would be proper, to bring him to our property for his final resting place.

 

I will miss him greatly, but I placed him in Gods hands. That's the only thing I can do now.

 

One last thought. I've done everything right. How do I know this you might wonder. Because I've done a lot of reflecting lately...

 

And I have not one regret. NOT ONE ! ! !

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Hi LG so glad to hear that you have found the good place. Acceptance is something that gets talked about a lot here.  Being able to separate the illness from the person you love(d) is not easy but as you have discovered it is possible and good for you both. It is about the feelings and the way you remember not about the physical body. Glad you have decided to take him home even if he never really knew that home.

 

The man you loved lost himself in the illness and you nearly did too. (((HUGS))) Take care during this difficult time.

Heather

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I'm so sorry, Lg. I know that this is not what you wanted. It sounds like you've found  your peace. REMEMBER THAT. Becky

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