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3/12/2021 = 2:30am

Hello again my friends;

I just have to talk a bit and no one is here but my computer. An odd thing happened tonight. I was feeling and acting like Gollem from Lord of The Rings. I went crazy. For you see, When I had my second heart attack, the only reason I came back from death was because of my partner. I came back for him. And now he's leaving me. I don't see how he can come back from this, like I did. I don't understand. Why would God allow me to come back just for, in the end, me to be without my love? I don't get it. They say God always has a plan. I wish He'd let me know what that plan is for me. I asked Him to please inform me, but all I got was silence. I don't know. Perhaps when I get to my property, then things will start making sense. Then again, probably not, knowing my luck.

 

I told a friend today, “life keeps throwing lemons at me, I'm going to make orange juice (I don't like lemonade much). And if I say it's orange juice - - it's orange juice damn it !”

 

My Mother said not to question God. Why not? Isn't that how we learn things? If we don't question things, yes, including God - - then we're sheep in a pen of wolves. On display for the universe to laugh at. And believe me, it's laughing at me all the time (at least that's how I feel about it). For you see - - I'm allowed to have things that give me joy for a short time, then they're taken away again. It's to the point now at 63, I acquire something - - whatever it may be - - and I wonder how long I'm allowed to have it. I wondered years ago, how long I would have my lover, now I know. Less than six months left.

 

I'm re-inventing myself. Step by step, I'm turning into an urban cowboy. I've always loved the look but not used it much. I think now that I'll be alone for the first time in my life, I can look however I want to and no-one can say anything about it (kids made fun of me when I wore cowboy boots). And who gives a crap what anyone thinks? I worried about it all the time, and limited what I did and wore because of what others would think. They all can jump off a short pier, far as I care anymore. I have to live with me, and if that means some busy-body is going to think something - - LET 'EM! Does it sound like I'm angry? Yes. I am. Happiness is something I've always strived for, and the Universe always stops me. “Why should HE be happy? It's more fun to see what he'll do if we let him have something he wants for a while - - then take it away and stand back and watch what he does.” In my head I hear those words a lot. Am I crazy? No - - just experienced in this matter.

 

My partner is the first and only person who understood me and accepted me - for being me, and now he won't be in my life anymore. Damn him ! It's his own damn fault he's in this position! When his life was on the line he adamantly refused to see a doctor!! WHY? He saw doctors for everything else in life including a hang-nail, a bunion, his hair follicles felt funny - - why not now??? When his f***ing life was on the line!!! I don't care if the stroke took that logic molecule out of his brain or not. IT DOESN'T MAKE SENCE ! ! ! I've talked with God about it - - and you know what He said? Nothing.

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God is quite possibly speaking to you...

It can take a while for those of us feeling vulnerable to open our ears and hearts enough to hear him.

Keep asking, you'll get an answer. 

Just be prepared for the answer to be different to what you are hoping for. 

💚👑

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Lg, I've  been in a situation somewhat similar to yours, and even though it was over 20 yrs. ago, it feels like it happened yesterday.  Throughout my experience I asked the same questions of God that you have asked, but chief among them was, 'Wny?'I never got an answer either. But that didn't stop me from asking. 

My one piece of advice is to try and be kind to yourself.  This includes taking good care of yourself because no one is going to do it for you.

Don't give u p on God He's still there  .Becky

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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9 hours ago, becky1 said:

 

Don't give u p on God He's still there  .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amen to that, Becky.

 

💚👑

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Terry V Suokko, my husband – my partner – my love – you were in a hospice house where death took you March 14, 2021 – at 4:47pm. You were in room 4 – and you were born in 1947. I miss you my love. And I always will.

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Oh my darling, I'm terribly sorry for you losing your love but heartened that you both made each others life for the better. You are always welcomed here for all the love and support you need xxxooxx

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Oh LG So sorry to hear this, although in some ways him going is a release for all concerned. We are still here if you need help to process this next step in your life.

((HUGS))

-Heather

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Oh LG...thinking of you at this very difficult time.

You are both free from the pain

💚👑

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Lg, I didn't realize that this topic had moved, and thought it was something I'd already read... so I JUST FOUND OUT THAT YOUR LOVER HAD DIED. WORDS SEEM SO INADEQUATE NOW. I'M SO INCREDIBLY SORRY. May you both find peace. 

Becky

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Hello again;

3:50am and I can't sleep. I thought I'd talk a bit, beings nobody wants me around them much anymore. It's funny, I've always been there for everyone when they needed to talk, but when I need someone to talk to - nobody wants me around. I have so much to do to tie up everything. I talk to my Lover every night, but that's when I get sad and tearful, then I just sit and stare until one in the morning. I need to make final arrangements for him, but I can't make the calls necessary to accomplish that. Maybe if I wait long enough, he'll come back to me (crazy notion I know). I've always been able to figure things out, and and now I can't even remember to eat. By the time I do remember, it's dark (time for bed). I loose track of time and not much gets done. In fact, I don't even care about time anymore. It gets light out, it's time to get up. It gets dark, it's time to go to bed. It doesn't seem fair and now it seems that I can't get myself together. Is this part of the grieving process? I have this obsession of building a crypt for his ashes and spent all day working on wood blocks for his urn to rest upon. I bought all the materials for it, all I have to do is make it. I tell myself it's a type of closer but it's all I can think about anymore. I have to focus on something or I'll turn into Gollem from Lord Of The Rings again. Yes, I was Gollem for an entire evening. I was back to myself the next morning though. I was alone all day, and my own thoughts got the better of me, I guess.

I don't know, I need to go back to work but I can't get motivated enough to take a bath, put on clean cloths, and go and talk with them about it. I've gone out there a couple of times and told co-workers what happened, management too. They are all sympathetic, which is nice. They even remember me! That makes me feel real good inside. I'm remembered! After eight months – I'm remembered!

 

Thank you for all your kind words. I was concerned that I would not be permitted to remain a member. Thank you - thank you - THANK YOU !!! And thank you Kelli for trying to get me more support. I NEED IT ! !

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LG I spent a good while last night reading all of the posts since your first. Seems I have been absent for a long time and my heart goes out to you. I wish I could just morph right through my app and just be there for you. Grief can be such a personal thing (everyone goes through this differently). You seem to be grieving in multiple aspects and all I can say is time and pray for you on your journey and hugs from afar. I think you are right... Everything I just read in your last post screams grief and very raw grief. My heart just hurts for you. I know I'm not right there and I can't pick up all the pieces as well as you but know I am here with you in my thoughts, prayers, and heart. Do you have a therapist you can speak to? It may be a blessing to reach out for such support. My message is to give your grief grace, be good to yourself as much as you can. Surround yourself with as much warmth and softness as you can. Just imagine a warm soft hand picking you up and holding you (we all need to be carried sometimes to rest our weary body and mind). Know that I am and it seems many are thinking of you and I hope that this comforts you in even the smallest way. ❤️

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Lg, Read one of our caretaker's handbooks, THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEVING,  It won't answer a lot of your questions, but it will give you a good understanding of the grieving process. The handbook  is based on the teachings of KUBLER-ROSS, and I think that our lending library has that book too.

When I was in rehab, they gave me an Ensure a day.  It supplies you with all your vitamins plus helps you not to lose 

weight. I loved the way it tasted, and it comes in several flavors. It's hard to take care of yourself when your heart hurts so badly, but try.

'Talk" to us whenever you want to. We'll listen, and maybe even try to help.

There is a life beyond the wall of pain. You'll get there, just keep putting one foot beyond the other, and you'll get there.   

Becky

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On 3/26/2021 at 12:54 PM, LgSeaunier said:

 

 

Thank you for all your kind words. I was concerned that I would not be permitted to remain a member. Thank you - thank you - THANK YOU !!! And thank you Kelli for trying to get me more support. I NEED IT ! !

Sweetie,  We, I, will always try to do what we can for you... I'll send you a PM 💓

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Just to confirm what's already been said we are here for you LG for as long as you need us to be.  Grief and grieving are personal journeys and not everyone does it the same way. Remember there is no correct way to do this, other than try not to lose yourself in the grief to the extent that your health suffers. Much as you feel that it shouldn't matter you do still need to eat and sleep and keep moving in at least a minimal way.  One day at a time or one hour or minute at a time is a good way to get started again.

 

I know this will sound trivial to you, but most of us (both survivors and carers) have had to grieve for ourselves and our lost lives before we could pick ourselves up and get on with the new/different life that exists after this.

I wish I could make this hard time pass easier for you, but it is what it is and it takes as long as it takes, it gets easier with time, it doesn't go away, it just hurts a little less often.

Have you read the analogy of the ball in the box ? https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-the-ball-the-box#1

-Heather

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3/29/2021 (3am)

Hello;

 

I've been thinking of something today. For 60 years I've always been there to help everyone around me, and now, when I need someone – no one is there for me - - I'm alone. Just thought it was interesting. And another thing, after two heart attacks and my lovers death, I've come to the conclusion that life is too short to worry about anyone but me. One problem with that. I don't know how to think of me first. I've never done that in my life before. Oh well, I'll figure it out. Although - - - I am open for comments and suggestions (hint hint). I have tons of loose ends to take care of, then I'll work on ME. After all, life should be LIVED HAPPILY, not lived to please people who don't give a damn about you and then forget what you've done, just to help them straighten out the miserable life they made for themselves.

 

I hurt so badly (physically) I can't sleep anymore, I've been working so hard too. I still have so much to do though, I can't stop until it's done. My cell phone died in the morning, my lover died that night. I have a whole list of coincidental things like that happening as he drew closer to death. My point is, I can't find a WiFi to activate my new phone. I even tried the local library (couldn't sign in even though I have a library card). I need the phone to make final arrangements (the coroner still has him).

 

I want to take him to the property with me (it was our dream after all), the only way THAT can happen, is cremation. I've been working on a crypt for his ashes ( it's turned into a passion of sorts). I've designed the interior, found fabric of moons & stars - - the galaxy basically, on a deep blue sky. I'll glue that above the urn with a white floor, and the urn will be resting on a wood stand I designed. A single red silk rose will be on the urn and his birthday beads he was wearing when he died, will be around the urn somehow. I'm thinking of three columns in each corner of the metal box (I'm cutting it from a steel sheet tomorrow). I haven't decided on the columns yet. Does that sound like a passion to you???

 

Anyway, I'd better try and get some sleep if I'm going to cut sharp metal in the morning (its 4:20 am). Good night my friends. Or should I say good morning?

 

4/1/2021 Thursday (12:05am)

got the metal cut and did some drilling of holes too. That crypt is going to be beautiful (if a crypt can be), oh well.

 

How long will me feeling lonely take to wear off? It's almost unbearable. I can't talk to anyone, they just have no interest in what I'm going through. I don't understand it. How can family have such a cold and unfeeling attitude when it comes to death? They're stoic when I'm over there, and the last time, my mother practically told me to get out. Not in so many words you understand, but still. I'm just not going over there anymore. I don't need that kind of person in my life. Anyone who treats me like that from now on, can simply take a flying leap!! I was raised to believe that family will always be there whenever you need them, especially a tragedy such as this. Boy was I gullible!!! I'm tired of only hearing my own thoughts too, but who else is there to talk to that will actually listen?

 

“Listen you poor sap! Just point all your energy into that friggen ger and get the **** out of this town!! That way you can get some people in your life that actually cares! And if not - - then you don't need anyone in your life but Roscoe, your future dog.”

 

I'd better stop this, it's only making things worse in my head. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning - - or not. Either way, who cares!

 

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and feedback. And your prayers.

 

I accomplished quite a lot today. I'm working on my partner, my love and my husbands' crypt. like I've said before, It has become a passion for me to finish it. I look at it as part of closure. I am exceedingly grateful to each and everyone of you on the network, and you, I'll post my progress as often as I can. Thanks again.

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Lg,  We have often on here discussed that after our strokes, our "friends" all disappeared. They acted as if we had the plague or something. We needed to know that we were loved and missed, and still had value, in spite of our handicaps. But not a phone  call or visit did we receive. The same thing happens at a funeral or wake. People will come out of the woodwork to attend these, but then you won't see or hear from them until you run into them accidentally a year later.

My own spin on this is that people don't want to come  face-to-face with their own mortality or their own fragility as human beings.So they avoid you, because you remind them that they aren't immortal or made of concrete.  And, if it happened to you, it could happen to them, and that's a truth that they cannot bear to think about.

Why not go ahead and get Roscoe? Dogs can be great companions.

Did you know that you can blog here? Writing things down helps you hang onto thoughts before they disappear.

Becky

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4/3 2021 (3:06am)

I've been sitting in my car in front of the house now, for 5 hours, or close to it. I just can't get myself to go into that bedroom. And walking through the living room brings a flood of memories (very proud ones for a change). Let me start from the beginning. March 3 was my birthday. That night, my love couldn't walk. It took me 9 hours to get him from the front door to the bedroom. His left leg was so stiff I could hardly move it even with brute force, which is what I was using for 9 hours. I finely got him into bed, and the next morning he could walk, shaky and weakly, but he could walk with a walker and lots of help from me. He insisted on WALKING out of that house. He wanted coffee at the station we frequent, we did our normal morning routine, then I took him to the hospital. About halfway there, I turned to him and said, “I'm scared.” he slightly nodded. After a few days in the hospital, and me making decisions no person should ever be forced to make, they transferred him to the hospice house where he died on march 14th. I have such pride in him for WALKING out of the house. And needless to say - - - this birthday was the worst in my 63 years! I'm hoping it will fade away into obscurity. After all, I have 48 years of wonderful memories that have the great potential of overriding the one.

 

Well, it's 3:40am, I think I'd better FORCE myself into that bedroom and try to get some sleep. I have a crypt to finish.

 

Thank you Becky1. Problem with getting Roscoe is I need to get rid of quite a few cats first. My husband wanted cats.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Don't get me wrong Becky, I couldn't befriend a cat. I just have too many of them. Roscoe could only happen sometime in the distant future. I said things in a way that reflected how I was feeling at the time. Apologies.

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LG cats can be great company and very affectionate if given the chance, yes right now there are too many of them, but could you maybe let one of them get close and be your special companion, until you feel ready to get Roscoe, given they are already there and needing your care anyway. Make the best of what is in front of you so to speak.

 

Either way hugs and stay as positive as you can.

-Heather

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On 4/4/2021 at 12:37 AM, LgSeaunier said:

. My husband wanted cats.

I am THAT cat lady as well. My small 900sqft place looks like PetSmart. On social media, you'd never know I had human children lol

Going back into a place again must be sad/scary/love/peace all wrapped into one.  I think that you are very strong and will find that once there, you're living for you both. He is in your heart. Try to think before the stroke and the happiness and love and wrap that tight and put that in your heart and mind.  Love is a powerful bond my friend and it's still raw and of course you're going to be in a "funk". Allow it but don't let it take over. With the warmer weather, walks are nice, nature, grow some Herbs ( basil, rosemary..etc)  

 

 

( I'm the odd ball here ** Hippy Buddhist full of Magick ❤️💛💜 but I smudge twice a year ( spring & fall) with sage and monthly with cedar with good intensions and ask for peace and good energy to guide me)

 

:you-rock: ( closet I could find to a virtual hug) 

 

And the sign my parents got me for Christmas ::

132560520_10223170909157003_5385194282654443677_n.jpg

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