lavenac88

Tomorrow it will be a year since my dad's stroke. This week has been very emotional for me. My dad came home in March and has been slowly improving ever since but he still has a long way to go. Yesterday I went to see him and it was a bad day. He was upset and said that everything is his fault and that he would rather just shoot himself. I know that he doesn't mean it but yesterday was the worst day he has had in awhile and it was hard to hear him say that. I moved out in June because it was emotionally draining me and I could not handle it. He is getting more and more depressed each week it seems like. He says that he wants to quit but I will not let him. This past year has been the hardest and most emotional that I have had. It is difficult to watch him fight so hard and still struggle so much. I know that he needs our attention and to know that he is important to us so that he feels needed. I haven't written about it much lately because I have so much going on. I am still working full time and I am now a junior in college and in my teaching program. This week however it has been hard to not think about it. My thoughts just wander all over the place and then I can't stop crying. I miss my dad the way he was before. I used to talk to him and he would give me advice. It is hard now because sometimes he won't even understand me when I say something. His speech is still pretty bad but I can usually understand him. I just want to be able to talk to him and for him to not be frustrated. He is getting better but sometimes it feels like he is getting worse too. I am glad that he has not had anymore strokes because I have no idea how I would be able to handle it. It feels good to get these feelings out and to know that others understand what I am going through. I love my dad with all my heart even though this stroke has changed everything in our lifes.

I have not logged on lately or blogged recently either and there has been a lot going on. I graduated with my Associate of Science and got accepted into my teaching program at TSU (Tennessee State University). About a week or two after I graduated I moved out of my parents home and started my independent life as an adult. I just couldn't take it anymore I love my family but the stress was unbearable for me literally and metaphorically. I was getting sick almost everyday and I wasn't eating or sleeping . I moved all my stuff into storage and moved in with my bestfriend for about 3 weeks and then moved into my apartment. I am still close enough to be there for my parents if they need me but far enough away to get some space. My dad is getting worse not better he is meaner than ever but he is nice when I visit every week. My mom took it a little hard when I moved because I did everything for them I did the bills and the shopping and I took care of him. Now she has to step up and be the wife and caregiver and she is not used to doing everything herself. I was enabling her to just sit there and watch me do everything. I did feel really guilty at first but not anymore. I am 23 and I need to learn to grow up and be more independent and my mom has to take care of her husband not watch her daughter do it. I love them so much but I did this for me I decided to be selfish and get myself out of that stressful situation. I still go over and help but my mom knows that it is only help and that I will not do everything like before. My boyfriend is signing his military contract in about a week and will be in the Army. I have so much going on and I am still getting used to living on my own with no one else around. I think in time it will not bother me as much but I have togive it time. I will try to blog weekly since now I will have the time but we will have to see. Thanks for all the comments to my previous blogs remember if you have nothing positive to add I would rather not have to read it I realize that this sounds childish but I have enough going on that any negativity really doesn't help it just makes it a little worse.

I graduate this Saturday with my associate's degree. I am nervous about how dad will handle it. He doesn't like to be still or to be quiet for long periods of time. The ceremony is going to be an hour and a half and that may too much for him to handle. He seems excited about going but I hope that we don't have any problems. I am nervous for him as well as me.

I haven't had time to get on here lately because I don't have the free time. There is so much going on right now. Dad is doing good but he has some really bad days too at times. He will go for hours just yelling and screaming about something and then when he finally stops and I tell him that what he has been yelling about is not what he thinks he heard me or my mom say. He gets things confused all the time and then gets mad. I have figured out to let him talk and then explain to him what I actually said to him or I write it down for him to read. He is always saying something and thinking that he said it right and he's not so then I don't know what he really wants and then he gets mad. I just smile at him and tell him to say it one more time but slower. He hates therapy! Just to say the word therapy in this house leads to a long argument and he yells and throws and slams things. He gets really mad about therapy. The therapy service provider doesn't not know how to deal with stroke victims. Routine is key and they never keep the same routine no wonder dad gets mad. I can understand why dad gets mad a lot of the time now because he doesn't understand or he just feels like he can't do anything even though he can. He is slowly improving in some ways but still has a long long long way to go. He talks all the time about anything and everything under the sun. I hear some of what he says but only when it is important otherwise I listen to some of it. I graduate in about two weeks and dad will be at my graduation. I hope that it doesn't confuse him I don't want him to get aggrevated.

Thanks everyone

Not only do I have two tests and an interview this week dad also has a doctor's appointment. It is his cardiologist. I am going to be so glad when I graduate in May so that I can have some time off. Today is my 3 year 4 month anniversary with my boyfriend. I still can't believe that we have been through so much in just that short amount of time. Open heart surgery for dad, granny's stroke, his mother's surgery and now my dad's stroke. He has definitely seen me at my worst but no matter what he is still there he does not run from me instead he stands firm right by my side. I am so lucky to have his support. I am praying that this week goes good. go me go me goooo me!! this made me smile its like i am calm i am calm oh my goodness i am not calm too funny

That would be Tennessee State University

Thanks that made me feel a lot better. I am trying to take breaks when it gets to be too much so I don't do something that I will regret. I am glad to know that others feel this way too. Thank you for your comment you have made my day so much better. I am not alone.

Day I went to work and got to get away and stay distracted for a little while. My boyfriend called and told me how much he loves me and that he really misses me. It made me feel good to hear that he is there for me and that no matter what he will stay by my side. I was glad to have a break from dad and mom. Now just two more days at work and then back to school. I have my teaching program interview on Tuesday everyone please say a prayer I want to be accepted into my teaching program at TSU. Today was a happy day for me. I am still juggling everything and nothing has fell yay!!!

He is annoying me to death I swear we went over the same thing 20 times and he keeps yelling at me because he said that I keep saying something different well guess what he is wrong I said the exact same thing all 20 times. He wants to take more medicine than he should because he thinks that it will help faster and when we say no well he does it anyway. I am scared that he is going to overdose on something because he will keep talking the pills and won't listen. I have tried everything to remain calm but I just want to leave and never come back and everyone can just forget me. I had a good day until I came home I hate coming home now because he is always here and he just talks non stop about everything and then gets mad when we don't talk back. He is wrong most of the time and thinks that we are stupid and we are useless and wants us to go away well I wish that I could. I don't have a choice anymore everything is about him him him. I am so sick of all the yelling and complaining and everything that he does. At this point I am at my last straw and I can't find anymore patience. If I leave I am a bad daughter if I stay I am going to go crazy and there is no third option because he gets mad when I go somewhere other than school or work. I don't care what he wants anymore I want peace and quiet and I want it now! Sorry if this offended anyone I am just venting. I hate the things that are happening in my life right now.

Well last Thursday we took dad with us to the store that was the worst decision ever!! He wanted everything he saw and threw a huge fit. It took us two hours to get out of there. Then he refused to take his medicine. I wanted to quit so bad but instead I walked away and thank god for my amazing boyfriend he was there for me! Dad started his physical therapy on Monday and he actually did really well no complaints through the whole thing it was a miracle. I am learning what makes him mad and how to handle him better. But he still talks nonstop it gives me such a headache !! But we are surviving. I graduate with my associate's degree in one month I am exicted about that and dad is too.