Parenting post stroke


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I was in a bad car accident Oct 21,2008 and have brain and spinal cord injuries. I had a series of TIA's as a result of my injuries. I am a full time wheelchair user and can not walk at all. I have short term memory issues. My left hand is curled and I don't have feeling on my left side. I am 31, married and a mother to 4 kids ages 12,12,11,04. Some things have had to change in our lives since my accident including some of the ways we did things as parents. I would like to hear from other people who are parents. How has your stroke effected your parenting if at all?

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I was in a bad car accident Oct 21,2008 and have brain and spinal cord injuries. I had a series of TIA's as a result of my injuries. I am a full time wheelchair user and can not walk at all. I have short term memory issues. My left hand is curled and I don't have feeling on my left side. I am 31, married and a mother to 4 kids ages 12,12,11,04. Some things have had to change in our lives since my accident including some of the ways we did things as parents. I would like to hear from other people who are parents. How has your stroke effected your parenting if at all?

 

 

what an amazing woman you are. To deal with such hardships and to reaise 4 children...amazing.

 

I unfortunately do not have any kids, so I cannot share my experiences with you, but I had to jump on here to tell you what an amazing mother you are.

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I can speak for me:

 

My husband has been amazing with this and helped me out leaps and bounds. My youngest has been so helpful. My oldest one left and moved to Florida with his dad (ex-husband) that hurt.

 

I'm not able to focus enough to help him with homework. I cant understand it though prior.. piece of cake. I just take it day by day.

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Wow guys... thank you!!!!

 

I posted this topic because since everything happened there have been times when it would have been nice to have some place to turn. I have a great support system but when you run into an obstacle that you wouldnt run into if you didnt have a disability it can be hard to take to "able bodied" people. You know... because...well you dont want them to think your unable or unfit to care for your children. ( maybe it's a pride thing...not sure. Also able bodied people approach the situation from an able bodied mind set) Truth is that in most cases it comes down to just finding a new way to approach the obstacle at hand. My kids are homeschooled so they are always with me and we never have a shortage of obstacles to overcome. We have had to make a lot of adjustments since my accident but we always manage to keep pressing forward.

 

I think the Young Stroke Support section was a great idea to add to this site and an excellent place for people who are young and dealing with these things to come together. It is not always easy to connect with other young people who are living with a disability especially other parents. So far everything we have had to change when it comes to parenting has come through trial and error. There is nothing wrong with trial and error but it sure would have been nice if there had of been someone else who had delt with my obstacle from my position and been able to tell me what they found to work for them. Not everything that works for one person will work for another but it is still nice to have options and resourses available.

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Hi Carey. Welcome back. My stroke did affect my parenting. I lost all self confidence and had a hard time with discipline, I had joint custody with their father, my ex. example: with my memory problems, I would ask them to do something before going outside and I would forget and they banked on that. They would go right by me, bye mom, going outside and I would let them go completely forgetting what I had asked them to do. They really took advantage of my poor memory as any kid would. I felt guilty all the time so I overcompensated with money or toys whatever. The one thing that I regret is not teaching them to respect me, since I didnt demand this, I didnt get it. Sorry this was so long. I have much to reproach myself as far as the kids are concerned. Good luck with yours Carey

 

mc

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Hi Kelli! I posted my reply before I read your post. That must be so hard. I am very sorry. I am glad that you have a wonderful man to stand by you. My husband has also been amazing. As far as homework goes I totally understand. I remember everything from before my accident but I cant hold onto anything from after my accident. My kids are homeschooled and if they are learning something I knew well in school then I can help them but if it was something I wasnt great at or something I never had to learn forget it. I can not process the information or remember it long enough to teach it so my husband has to help in those areas. Its really frustrating to say the least. It is very nice to meet you. How old are your kids?

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MC!!!!! You remember me!!!! My kids are very helpful around the house but they also play the memory card. I am forever telling them to do something and forgetting and they take advantage of that big time. My son told me one day when I grounded him "give it 5 minutes and you'll forget" ( I never forgot those words )...that was a BIG mistake on his part. Because I pulled out my blackberry and typed it in right then and there and have been doing it every since. ( It REALLY helps keep me straight...it has alarms to remind me of stuff and it has been a real life savor. Anyone who has memory issues should invest in a blackberry or other PDA it has been a HUGE help! )

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I feel your struggles

 

.

 

two boys 7 and 16

 

 

 

 

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carey:

 

great topic. prestroke I was handsoff parent since I was working full time, and he was little, more time was spent in playing, feeding and telling him what needs to be done. now that I am home 24X7. my role as parent has become more prominent. Though I am blessed to have great hubby who is stricter than me, so at our house its good and bad cop strategy works. luckily my memory is better than hubby. so kido can't trick me there, though he tries that's teenager for you. I admire you carey for homeschooling your children. I don't think I have that much patience yet, and he knows what buttons to push so that I loose my patience. so I have kept my job easy right now overseeing how he does in school & I keep tab on him by communicating with his teachers all the time.

 

 

Asha

 

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Going back to parenting. My youngest doesn't always take me seriously because he knows I was hurt and not able to act fast anymore. I used to work and be the "runner" run to this practice or this. Now I can't even , to be honest, hear when he gets hyper. It's so Loud. He always wanted to me be home more because with my job, it caused me to be out of town for days on end. But now that I am I feel like I'm not there for him anymore. My husband has been wonderful with him and doing the "running" I hope on day I'll be back to that again

 

And not being able to process or remember,, yup.. I know I'm educated but I feel sometimes like a dork

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I decided to have a baby post stroke. I'm 35 and I have an 18 month old boy. Many people around me, including therapists did not think I could care for a baby on my own. I have proved them wrong, I have been a stay at home mom without any daytime help since he was born. It hasn't been easy but I am doing it! I'm sure the challenges will be different as he gets older.

 

I hope other women will not be discouraged by others that say it will be too hard to care for a baby with one arm/hand. It can be done!

 

Thank you for sharing your challenges the blackberry idea is genius.

 

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MC!!!!! You remember me!!!! My kids are very helpful around the house but they also play the memory card. I am forever telling them to do something and forgetting and they take advantage of that big time. My son told me one day when I grounded him "give it 5 minutes and you'll forget" ( I never forgot those words )...that was a BIG mistake on his part. Because I pulled out my blackberry and typed it in right then and there and have been doing it every since. ( It REALLY helps keep me straight...it has alarms to remind me of stuff and it has been a real life savor. Anyone who has memory issues should invest in a blackberry or other PDA it has been a HUGE help! )
Of course I remember you. How can anyone forget an inspirational person like you. Some of the problems I had when the kids were teens are problems that I would probably have had even if I had not had a stroke. Ex: I was a very serious teen myself, my parents always knew where I was, my nose in a book somewhereso my kids were always 2 steps ahead of me, I didnt expect or see these things coming because I had not lived them myself where as my sister was a lot more outgoing and a social buttertfly and this often behind my parents back so she was always 2 steps ahead of her kids. I dont know if I am clear enough. I wished I would have had someone as a sounding board. It didnt help that I was alone. I am glad you at least have your hubby and your blackberry lol

Hope to chat with you soon. Take care and good luck Carey.

 

mc

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Hi,I read your post about parenting issues post stroke. and I am here to tell you that I know how you feel, although I only have 3 daughters ages 12.11.&7 at the time of my stroke in 2005. You said you are on a wheelchair full time, right? I can relate to the feelings of frustration you must feel when trying to parent. I hate to admit it, but for a while I felt resentful of one of my older daughters at one point, because I was trying to do something nice for my husband on his birthday, and he asked her for her approval on the things I needed to use to accomplish my goal ( it was a pedicure and foot massage and he di nt like some of the impliments I was using on his feet, so he asked her if they were the right things to use.) It made me feel like I wasnt important enough yo trust in that I knew what I was doing. But now I do realize I was being overly sensitive.

Basically my best advice is to choose your battles wisely, or you will be pulling your hair out. Also remember that your stroke also made a huge impact on their lives, and they may start acting out because their sense of security may be not as strong as it was. They lost their mommy as they had always known you, even though you are still there but in a different, scarrier way. It's bound to make them test their limits. One thing I had my girls do (when they got a little older )was take a few minutes one day and walk a mile in my shoes. They tied their left arm to their own waist and I made them walk with my cane (at the same pace as I do) and they had to perform everyday things like me with one hand , they gained a new outlook for my challenges . My youngest one (now 12 yrs old) still has attitude sometimes but I try to take a deep breath and decide if there is any way to change the current concern I am having. I f I decide there can be something done, I make a plan in my head for the next time that situation pops up, so I will be better prepared to adresss it without losing my mind and making things worse. Does you r husband share your concerns about your parenting role? Maybe he doesnt realize what is going on because I bet he is busy trying to please everyone at once. (my husband is going through that still, and its been 5 years since my stroke and brain surgery) Also you two need to be on the same page when it comes to consequences of wrong decisions the kids make. I know I felt guilty for a while coming down on my girls but in the long run , I realized it may be kind of comforting to them, because it gives them a sense of security that some things are the same and that you care about their lives. Try to be present and involved in everyday activities. Thats where I made my mistake, because I holed up in my room for about a year after my stroke for various reasons and our relationships suffered. Just stay strong as a team with your husband and things will be ok, you still have some power and choices left obviously, since you were able to post here, right? Also try to look for something good in everything. For example i say to myself - at least my left side is paralyzed and not my right(since I am right handed) Things can only get better. also PATIENCE is very important. wow I am fried now from this long post. Hope it helps

post-11156-1275545386_thumb.jpg

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hi carey, nice to see you again. i really can't say much about your post, as my youngest son was 20, still living at home because of college when i have my stroke, at that age, he didn't really listen to my parenting, because he knew everything at that age, right! or so he thought. LOL i just wanted to tell you, i think you have done an amazing job since your accident, with moving and re-modeling your home,homeschooling, the raising of the kids, your determination and attitude have never wavered. you are an inspiration to all handicapped moms.BTW, the picture is a great one, thankyou for sharing it with us. keep doing the best you can with your kids. they will appreciate all you've done with the obstacles you faced,as they get older.

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It does help more than u know

 

I stroked last november and have som issues to deal with.

 

same kind of stuff

 

house and all we will lose probably

 

thanks for sharing and keep on i will also.

 

Kevin

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Carey - I'm an oldie here but I've been away for a bit.

 

This part for the younger stroke survivors is a definite plus - stroke has always really been known as an older person's disease...it really put us "young'uns" at a disadvantage because our issues are very different - such as parenting!

 

Unfortunately, or fortunately (however you look at it) my daughter has gone to live with her Dad (my ex) - this is five years post-stroke. Part of it, I think, is that she's sixteen. Part of it is that she can glom on to all her new peeps about how bad things were since I changed so much because of the strokes. It's true, I have changed a bunch. Will never be the same again. It has been a lot for her to deal with along with just "growing up".

 

I really can't tell you much on parenting other than it should get better, I would also second the idea of having them go through a day like you do (bind the arm/hand) - it helped Kyla. I'd also suggest getting some counseling for the older kids to help. Make sure it's a counselor who has dealt with kids who have parents with a long-term illness or specifically a grief counselor (they have literally 'lost' the old Mom).

 

Sending the very best in good wishes, prayers and thoughts your way...

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  • 3 weeks later...

So I wanted to share about my 16 year old and me post stroke. It's hard to tell because he is a teen and is 'out growing' his need to mom. Having that doubled by me post stroke and cant get to him as I wish I could, stinks. Talking with Maria made it better for me to deal. She also has a teen and knowing she is a stroke suvivor to, made it easier to swallow. I love him but I;m crushed that my puppy is growing up. I was so busy with work before I felt I never had enough time. Now I do have time, he is living in Florida. I still have my 7 year old... but WoW.. so much I cant do with my Pup that I used to.

 

Him not being here in my recovery and doesnt understand my way of thinking is frustrating. He doesnt follow my new way of thinking and gets mad at me for not being clear. That in itself is a stresser. One day as I did to my parents, He'll age like a good wine that we'll all enjoy

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I survived a stroke in 2005 when I was 18. Im 24 now and pregnant with my second child. Most of my residuals are invisible but I do suffer from memory loss, some common sense, fatigue, etc. I have made my children my life and havent had any real issues as far as being a single mom post stroke. I think great family support is key. My family is ALWAYS there for me when I need a break.

 

 

 

I was in a bad car accident Oct 21,2008 and have brain and spinal cord injuries. I had a series of TIA's as a result of my injuries. I am a full time wheelchair user and can not walk at all. I have short term memory issues. My left hand is curled and I don't have feeling on my left side. I am 31, married and a mother to 4 kids ages 12,12,11,04. Some things have had to change in our lives since my accident including some of the ways we did things as parents. I would like to hear from other people who are parents. How has your stroke effected your parenting if at all?

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  • 1 month later...

MC!!!!! You remember me!!!! My kids are very helpful around the house but they also play the memory card. I am forever telling them to do something and forgetting and they take advantage of that big time. My son told me one day when I grounded him "give it 5 minutes and you'll forget" ( I never forgot those words )...that was a BIG mistake on his part. Because I pulled out my blackberry and typed it in right then and there and have been doing it every since. ( It REALLY helps keep me straight...it has alarms to remind me of stuff and it has been a real life savor. Anyone who has memory issues should invest in a blackberry or other PDA it has been a HUGE help! )

 

 

Ha! You sure outwitted him! Blackberry is so cool. I got a Palm Treo cell phone from an online friend in Idaho who was getting rid of the used one as she gets new phones every year, since she and her hubby works for a phone company. I don't have a cell phone service, but I use it like a PDA, since I couldn't afford to buy a Blackberry or other PDA'S. I use it to keep notes, appointments, events, to-do lists, contact information and such in the Palm Treo. I was having a great difficulty with all my note-taking. I have too many notes that it ends up in a pile, where looking for a specific information is like looking for a needle in the haystack. LOL! I love my Palm Treo. It has been EXCELLENT in helping me keep track of everything. :You-Rock:

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  • 7 months later...

I am the mother of 3 and stroked 4 months ago. I can walk with a cane and a service dog or a rollator, use both my hands, though the right one is definitely weaker, talk, though I can't always get what I want to say out and can't remember what some things are. My memory, both long and short term have big gaps. My kids were 20, 18 and 17 when I stroked. Sometimes I think it is more difficult parenting them after stroking at those ages than it would be if I had stroked when they were younger.

 

They know how to play the "mom's memory isn't good" card to their advantage...."Mom, don't you remember you changed oour curfew to <fill in an totally outrageous time here> or, but mom, you said I could spend the weekend at my boy/girlfriend's house!"

 

Or my favorite..." Mom, you said I didn't have to be restricted/do my chores/go to school/or whatever thing they don't want todo, any more because <enter completely insane and made up reason here>!"

 

The other side of it is that my kids, in the early days when I was first home from hospital, would try to take over parenting me..." Mom, the doctor said you needed rest. You need to go to bed now." "Mom, don't stay out past 11:00. You're still more exhausted from your stroke than you think you are." "Mom, why is your right side drooping again? Do we need to go back to the hospital?" "Mom, what would your doctor say about you doing that?" "Mom, have you considered how much salt is in that...?" "Mom, it is too far for you to go to visit <fill in person here>. YOu need to take it easy."

 

Then there was the idea that I had stroked, so they were "on their own" for a while. "Mom, I got this. I know what I'm doing." "Mom, you had a stroke. I'm going to be in charge for a little while." "Mom, Dad is busy taking care of you right now. We can take care of ourselves."

 

I think the most difficult part came in the early days when my mother and my sister tried stepping in and taking over the care and feeding of not only my teen-agers, but of me as well. They are more the "iron fist" type of authoritarians while I have been the "try it and if you can't handle it, we'll stop for a while" type. I'm not the type to yell at the kids and I'd rather they explain their reasons, I explain mine, and we find a way that fits everyone best. My mom and my sister are the "I'm in charge here so you do it my way" types. Their hearts were in the right place, but they didn't understand the delivery differences. It upset the kids, which upset my husband, which upset me, which upset my mom and my sister.

 

When I got stronger, I had to reassert myself as the parent. That isn't always easy with kids who have been raised to be able to meet any challenge in life head on and overcome it. There was some arguing and some hurt feelings.

 

The best thing I can say that we did was keep talking to eachother. My husband and I talking in private so that we always present a united front to hte kids, talking to the kids, privately, or in family conferences, to help them understand how things are changing and what they can expect, talking about how each one of us feels about how things have changed so that we can all understand when one of us has an outburst or breakdown.

 

How we did things, like meals, chores, outings, that was pretty easy once everyone understood what I was or wasn't capable of doing. It's been 4 months. 2 kids have since moved out on their own, and the one who is still at home has learned to understand that if I ask him for extra help, it isn't because I don't want to do something, it is because I can't, so he doesn't argue about it. When he feels like he just can't cope with me, he spends a couple of nights at his sister or his brother's place. as long as I don't get a call from school telling me that he is absent, it's all good.

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I too am a single mother. 2 girls 2 & 10. My biggest problems are mental and I am having a hard time raising them alone, where as before it was just life.Now, I can see and feel every obstacle and problem. I could certainly use some help, sometimes I scream at them only to feel awful afterwards.I did have a live in boyfriend when I came home but he wasn't and still isn't supportive so I ended it 2 mos ago.I could really use his help these days but it doesn't outweigh him not supporting me.Most mornings I really don't want to get up as I am extremely tired after very restless, sleepless nights worrying about my insurance and money and being Mommy still.My oldest says she likes the new me because I'm nicer and the youngest wants to help do everything, she sweeps mops and tries to help with the dishes.other than them I have no in home support.I was running to my sister's home every weekend Thursday-Monday morning, for help and because it is much easier with another adult to help me.Also because I have the hardest time being alone in my home even with my children.I am ok with another adult in the house even if they're no where near me.For example, my oldest's father comes and just sits in my living room some nights while I fall asleep in my room after the kids are down.And I can sleep peacefully like that.On the nights he isn't here the restlessness and sleeplessness returns. And when he leaves, I panic and have anxiety attacks But I am very tired of running, I want to be in my own home.Before I stroked I was a strong single mother and I liked it just so, I liked not having to compromise concerning what I wanted or felt was best for them, today I wish I were married to someone who can love all of us enough to want to be here and to help.I would love for someone else to get up and make breakfast before school some mornings. I could use help with dinner and dishes and grocery shopping.I also noticed that I have a very strong need to be touched not sexually but just physically having someone touch my arm or hold my hand. I need someone close that I trust just to tell me its ok sometimes I applaud everyone fighting with physical impairments cause I'm not sure how you manage and without complaining about it.Physically, i am blessed enough to have nearly everything back , mentally I am hanging on by a thread and very sort ,thin thread that is rapidly disappearing.I am tired of being strong on my own and I really , really would like to just let go sometimes but I can't because there is no one else to care for them and I can't set that kind of example.I don't think they provide home health aids for mental impairments.Between parenting and fighting for everything I am exhausted and depressed. And that depression won't be relived until I have a way to alleviate some of these conditions.i am scared as heck to date and too embarssed to tell anyone that shows an interest that I did have a stroke.I came home without any connections to my children.I remeembered what it felt like being a mommy and certain emotions but I did not feel them.I have the majority of those emotions back, thankfully.I just wanna give up.I don't want to fight every single day any more.I would like a partner to help with the battle and I am so embarassed to say so.I am not happy any more and I can't believe that this will take possibly years to recover or fix. I disliked feeling dependent and yet , worse not having anyone to depend on. The more pipl tell me how strong I am ther more I want to scream "I AM NOT,I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS." It doesn't feel like strength it feels like you better do it and it right , right now. They don't understand when I Just wanna make hotdogs and go to bed, nor when they ask me for something and I can't do or can't remember to do or don't have the resources to.I don't think they'll have any fond memories of childhood.My apologies for being so negative but my feelings are honest and have had to be held in for months now.I could use some encouragement, I am tired of crying in front of my children . I am tired of hurting their feeligs, I am tired of needing money food, help, support and it not being there.I think today is just on of those bad days and perhaps tomorrow will be better. It has to be, I again don't have any other options but to keep walking , head down against the wind.

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"The more pipl tell me how strong I am ther more I want to scream "I AM NOT,I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS." It doesn't feel like strength it feels like you better do it and it right , right now."

 

 

That feeling is there with all single parents, stroke or no stroke. It's even worse after a stroke, when everything is still all shaken up inside our heads. God Bless you, you are doing everything you can and there are some days where you wonder where that so-called "strength" or "energy" is going t ocome from.

 

"My apologies for being so negative but my feelings are honest and have had to be held in for months now.I could use some encouragement, I am tired of crying in front of my children . I am tired of hurting their feeligs, I am tired of needing money food, help, support and it not being there.I think today is just on of those bad days and perhaps tomorrow will be better. It has to be, I again don't have any other options but to keep walking , head down against the wind."

 

You don't have to apologize, especially not here. We have all had hard days - some of us harder than others. Can I give you a suggestion, and you can plain out refuse it, it won't hurt my feelings.

 

I know here, in Florida, the high schools have vocational programs for "early child care" teachers. You can take your little one there during the days and your older child can go there after school. The cost of participation is as little as $5 or $10 dollars. YOu don't have to send them every day, and sometimes, if you donate a snack once a week, the cost of attendance is lowered even more.

 

Like I said, this is something the high schools do in West Central Florida. I don't know if they do it all over the country, but it might be something to look into, just to give yourself some time and some much needed stress relief.

 

As far as the sleeplessness goes when there is not another adult around, that's normal, single parent or not. I still do not sleep well on the nights my husband goes out with friends, and my kids are grown up and moved/moving out!!

 

Perhaps, if you left the tv on a talk station, on a timer, you could "trick" your mind into thinking that you were not alone, and could fall asleep, at least for a few hours, like that. I had to do that while I was in hyospital, or I just wouldn't sleep.

 

You might also check with your doctor - mine told me that I could take benadryl before going to bed, to help me relax and sleep, safely. It's potentially worth a try. You can't feel like you can handle the rough days if you are exhausted all of the time. Stroke leaves you feeling exhausted enough. You don't need lack of sleep on top of that.

 

And while you are checking out the potential child care situationsa at the local high schools, check into the cosmetology class. You can get you heair cut/dyed/styled, a manicure, pedicure or even a facial, for very little money. It give you some "you" time, where you really feel like you are the center of another person's attention - because you are! So maybe things at home get put off for an hour or so, by the time you get home, you are much better focused and emotionally able to handle doing them.

 

I hope these ideas help. You sound like you really need to get out from under some stress. No one needs that, but especially not some one who is so newly a stroke survivor, which so much going on at home already.

 

Take care of yourself!!

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Thank you Lydi, I will call around as soon as I log off.I could really use a break without feeling like I am putting my daughter off on someone else.this could also help with me trying to go back to school or work.I needed that, just some encouragement and kind words ,how far they go.

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Thank you Lydi, I will call around as soon as I log off.I could really use a break without feeling like I am putting my daughter off on someone else.this could also help with me trying to go back to school or work.I needed that, just some encouragement and kind words ,how far they go.

 

 

I'm really happy I could give you the emotional boost that you needed!! Hang there and ALWAYS remember, you aren't alone.

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