COVID Craziness, Depression, Repairing relationships


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I think that I am losing it In a big way.  Last week I had a major blowup and my long-suffering wife.  I accused her of gaslighting me; thinking that she was telling me that I was failing in all areas, that she was accusing me of not supporting her while we were in lockdown, and on and on.  Then I stormed off and went to go to sleep in one of the kids' bedrooms (this child left home a year ago, but we keep her bed made up just in case).

 

Linda came and dragged me up to our bed.  Next morning (and evert morning thereafter), I was contrite, not sure what had come over me, and she has been in serious distress.

 

My memory seems to be getting more and more erratic at the same time, and I have been getting more are more depressed.  My memory issues make it difficult for me to remember all the details, and also to behave consistently.  I feel detached quite a lot of the time, aware that I ought to say something contrite or reassuring or sympathetic, but unable to think of the words to use.  I'm also having difficulty figuring out the sequence of things that I have to follow to get specific task done.

 

We are starting to do some home renovations, both as a form of therapy (which may or may not work), and to try to shorten the backlog on our home-maintenance list.

 

Because of COVID, I can't go and see my psychiatrist (who will be useless anyway, and will tell me to write a "thought record" about what I was thinking even though I have major memory issues).  I'm not sure how much my neurologist would be able to help.  FWIW, I have had fairly flat affect ever since the stroke, and now find it hard to express my emotions.

 

Since my stroke, I have often been tempted to walk in front of a train, but I could never do that to Linda and the kids.  Realistically, things have been OK on a day-to-day operational level, but the emotional bond is frayed and feels like it is hanging by a tread at the moment.

 

If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, I'd love to hear them.  I don't really expect to find a silver bullet, but a bandaid could help.  I guess that I have finally come to grips with the fact that I am broken in significant wats, and that cannot fix everything (anything) by myself.  And that Linda is as drained and as weary of this whole thong as I am, maybe more.

 

       Paul

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Hi Paul, I want to send you ((HUGS)) first. It sounds like you are doing it very tough at the moment and lockdown won't be helping that for either of you.  I don't think I have memory issues so not sure if any suggestions I make will make sense or not. My first instinct is that you should keep/start a journal. Write down the jobs/tasks to do and the subtasks needed to complete them. I do this for my work and keep both a reference copy and an active copy where I cross off what has been done. My go to is always lists.

 

Also try keeping a record of how you're feeling and what happened to get you to that feeling if possible. You might chose to share this with Linda so that she can help you sort out real and false memories, and she could even record her side of the event next to yours so you can go back to it when you need to be reminded.  It might be worth investigating living with Altzymers or dementia sites to see if they have any techniques that might be useful to you as well.

 

It is not an easy situation to be in but hang in there, it may not be as bad as it seems right now either.

 

I don't know what your restrictions are at the moment. But try to make a point of getting out of the house for at least 30 minutes a day as much as possible, walk around the block or work in your garden or shovel snow whatever is appropriate for where you live. My grans cure for the downs was always sunshine and exercise. And she used to read this to us if she thought we needed reminding.

       The Camel's hump is an ugly lump
         Which well you may see at the Zoo;
       But uglier yet is the hump we get
         From having too little to do.

       Kiddies and grown-ups too-oo-oo,
       If we haven't enough to do-oo-oo,
             We get the hump --
             Cameelious hump --
       The hump that is black and blue!

       We climb out of bed with a frouzly head,
         And a snarly-yarly voice.                        
       We shiver and scowl and we grunt and we growl
         At our bath and our boots and our toys;

       And there ought to be a corner for me
       (And I know' there is one for you)
             When we get the hump --
             Cameelious hump --
       The hump that is black and blue!

       The cure for this ill is not to sit still,
         Or frowst with a book by the fire;
       But to take a large hoe and a shovel also,
         And dig  till you gently perspire;
                  
       And then you will find that the sun and the wind,
       And the Djinn of the Garden  too,
         Have lifted the hump --   
         The horrible hump --
       The hump that is black and blue!
                  
       I get it as well as you-oo-oo --
         If I haven't enough to do-oo-oo!
         We all get hump --
         Cameelious hump --
       Kiddies and grown-ups too! 

Its one that is far too true a lot of the time.

-Heather

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Oh Paul...

The things we have lost...so unfair. 

I'm with heather about keeping lists. Not thought journals. That sounds way too complicated!!

But definitely lists to keep you on track.

I need to take Heather's advice. I'm never on track.

💚👑

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Heather and Janelle

 

Thanks for the kind words and useful advice.  Just reading the Stroke Board is a huge comfort, knowing that I am not alone and not malingering.  It's also a huge relief being able to talk to people who are going through the same things themselves.  And there are occasional eureka! moments, that help me try to change the way that I think or act.

 

Part of my memory issue is that things are erratic.  I have anterograde amnesia, so I can remember all sorts of details of trivial things that happened in my childhood, or 6 years ago, but not remember why we had a huge fight 15 minutes ago.  Which frustrates us both.

 

I have a spreadsheet that I use to track things that I need to do.  Biggest problem is making sure that things get on it, and remembering what I have to do between reading the spreadsheet and actually doing the task.  Depending on tiredness, phase of the moon, the actual task details, etc, I can remember for anything from 30 seconds to 3 days.  I'm trying to write details and steps for the task at hand and carry that list with me.  Just slow going turning that into a habit.

 

Exercise helps a lot.  Mood, if nothing else.  Now that things are warming up, I'm starting to run again.  I used to be a fairly serious long-distance runner, can't run very far any more, but can still work up a sweat and work off some frustrations.

 

Lockdown also makes us both a bit depressed and ratty, and does not help our finances (my work has dropped off quite dramatically this year).  And the financial pressures don't help the tensions and mood.

 

I went through a spell of feeling that a tragic car crash would solve problems (insurance money, no anything for me, no frustration for Linda), but figured out pretty quickly that it would just make things worse.  So at least I have left that behind me.

 

And, or course, everything is far, far worse when I am tired.  So I am trying to make sure that I get several rest periods a day, whether I think that I need them or not.

 

Thanks again for the wise and comforting works.  They mean a lot,

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Paul, I have posted on SN before, that I cannot handle stress. Ordinary stress doesn't bother me much, but when it's a lot of stress, or extraordinary, or unremitting, I get overwhelmed and can't function too well. I drop everything  I try  to hold in my hands. and I have trouble concentrating on one thing at a time. I think that COVID would qualify as a major stressor, then add to it lock-down, financial stressors, and lack of sunshine and normal ,everyday stressors, and your life becomes a haven of stress .I think that lt's possible that your brain is just reacting to the stress, and you are experiencing that, and not a loss in abilities. It's JMO, BUT i THINK THAT WHEN THE STRESS IS REDUCED, YOUR NORMAL FUNCTIONING WILL COME BACK.   

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Thaks Becky.  When I am busy doing stuff and feel that I am contributing in some way, things aren't too bad.  As far as I can tell, the biggest problem is my relationship with Linda, which I hope will improve when she gets to go back to work at the Humane Society, rather than working at home, and sees other people IRL instead of over zoom calls.

 

Right now I'm trying to exercise as regularly as I can (given the weather, snow and ice), which helps my mood and my resilience.

 

Other than that, it's one day at a time.  Sometimes one minute at a time.  I used to run ultra-marathons when I was much younger.  That taught me some very good lessons about endurance, which are half-forgotten.  I am re-learning them.  Taking the race one step at a time; taking life one minute at a time.  Focussing on the finish line, not on the pain right now.

 

Of course, it is more complicated that than, because there is another person involved, but it helps.  Except for when it does not :-(.

 

Heather, I haven't been able to listen to Dr Harrington yet, but have scheduled time for it this morning.

 

After surviving three years of Linda's PhD at the ANU, we should be able to survive anything.  (hint:  if you are driving between Melbourne and Sidney, and see the Canberra turn-off, put your foot down and keep going straight.  Canberra is carefully planned, full of bureaucrats and absolutely soulless.  Avoid at all costs)

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Spot on Paul, especially about Canberra. The only time it's worth going there is for the Easter National Folk Festival and if you're there you can ignore the rest of the place 🙂

 

Living very isolated lives does put major strain on a relationship. Try to be patient with each other and with yourself.

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On 3/14/2021 at 4:55 PM, PaulNash said:

**I think that I am losing it In a big way.

 

**My memory seems to be getting more and more erratic at the same time, and I have been getting more are more depressed.  My memory issues make it difficult for me to remember all the details, and also to behave consistently.  I feel detached quite a lot of the time, aware that I ought to say something contrite or reassuring or sympathetic, but unable to think of the words to use.  I'm also having difficulty figuring out the sequence of things that I have to follow to get specific task done.

 

 

**Since my stroke, I have often been tempted to walk in front of a train, but I could never do that to Linda and the kids.  Realistically, things have been OK on a day-to-day operational level, but the emotional bond is frayed and feels like it is hanging by a tread at the moment.

 

If anyone has any thoughts or ideas, I'd love to hear them.  I don't really expect to find a silver bullet, but a bandaid could help.  I guess that I have finally come to grips with the fact that I am broken in significant wats, and that cannot fix everything (anything) by myself.  And that Linda is as drained and as weary of this whole thong as I am, maybe more.

 

   

I'm so sorry you are having these struggles.  You are not alone in your feelings for many are going through this in their own way.

 

OK.. I took these 3 points out of what you shared.

I have been hearing a lot of  psychologist talking about mental stresses from Covid.

 

We love our spouse/loved one/family/partner/ etc... but having to be secluded from the world, and our outlets, has been bringing us to the brink of our mental limits.  Where I currently work at , there are 6 individuals there that have seen each other every day for a little over a year. The company had policies that restricted going out into the community. Short staff and we were in quarantine for a time ( full PPE) but all was good but the mental health distress is quite evident so I can visualize how this must have made you feel.    

 

 Can you have Zoom appointments with your doctor or over the phone? Having memory issues after a stroke is one thing but it sounds like, to me, that the  monotonous of not being able to get out of the rut, which is not your fault and something that you can't change. When you are able to get an outlet you are in control and , for me at least,  are feeling like you're on your A game.  I, too, have an issue with following directions especially ones  on paper. I have to call my parents or family or even my neighbors to read something and break it down and explain it to me. Even when that happens the chances of me grasping it is mediocre at best.  I can understand the feelings of not being able to do things on my own. I must say I think you are to hard on yourself. I say that lightly because i believe we all are to hard on themselves.  It sounds like you both are having cabin fever times a million.

 

wait...

 

 

Marathons? I was always a sprinter not long distance.  Is it true that running releases endorphins?

 

 

 

 

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Oh Paul. 

The relationship is the first thing that begins to struggle under any pressure.  So not fair.

 

Canberra is not fun! The signage is terrible!  We did however get a great sense of Australian spirit at the war memorial, where we found the names of our ancestors. 

 

If you can remember, tell Linda you love her every night at bed time. Remind her of why it's worth the struggle. 

 

💚👑

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Paul (((hugs))) first. My heart goes out to you and it's no wonder you've been feeling so yuck. The stresses around us and especially when the complexities of stroke defecits pepper our world... It can feel chaotic, unrelenting, hopeless, confusing and a plethora of other feelings. I have been in a similar state the year and a half after my stroke. Different circumstances but I am sure some of the same or similar feelings and uncertainty. My brain just couldn't process my circumstances. I am now on my own by choice but we were not married. I'm almost to my 6 year post stroke and I am aware of my issues... Many are Cognitive and Psychological. I want to tell you that your perseverance tells me a lot about you and your heart. I can only imagine how 6 years of both of you suffering in one way or another has tinted the dynamics for you both. I understand not understanding if that makes sense. I relate to many of the things you have talked about for yourself personally. Covid has been a true thorn for so many. I know when I am full of stress in any way that my Cognitive and psychological issues really suffer. I read one person talking about Telehealth Dr visits (video/audio) and I do this with my Psychiatrist every other month and my therapist every week. Maybe it something you both can do together (couples therapy) via video conference. I can hear the love for your wife and family clearly in your post. Therapy for me is a must and I look forward to it. It has helped me with my own issues and with my relationships with my family and friends. It's not easy to say "I need help" but it could be very beneficial for you both. I also have a lot of memory problems and I have had to learn ways to help myself... Just remembering to do those things as well as utilizing very visual aids. For me it is my planner and dry erase board, my phone for alarms (for everything) and a lot of practice (I plan practice too). I know for myself I can forget mid sentence my point. I too remember a lot of random stuff and maybe not even understand why it is a memory or if it is a memory. Something that has helped me in ways I'm not even sure how (helps with depression and negative thoughts) is keeping a gratitude journal (I use the GLAD method). It doesn't help with a specific hurdle but helps to improve my mood, thoughts, self esteem/worth and because of that helps me deal with my hurdles. Also, getting some help for you and your wife together can help with communication and processing information. I don't dare think that I have all the answers I just know you, your wife, your marriage, your health, your spirit... Are all worth it. I am praying for clarity calming answers for you both and spiritual healing. Hugs again... You can find your way back to the calm path it may be a bumpy ride but I hope/pray for clarity. ❤️ Thinking of you guys! 

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  • ksmith pinned this topic
  • 2 months later...

Also Paul, when we went to canberra we stayed at ANU!

Our room was full of awesome retro furniture! Loved it! The room, that is.

 

💚👑

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you all for the comforting words and good advice.  I've been putting my head down and focussing on work to keep the wolf from our door (depressing; it makes me more and more aware of cognitive issues and stamina).

 

Linda and I have a kind of modus operandi which sort-of works.  During working days I generally keep to my office, and bash my head (mostly figuratively) against work problems.  Evenings can be mixed depending on what happened in each of our days.  Because of vaccines, I'm spending more time out of the hours, which also helps to reduce friction. 

 

I'm also letting things happen to a greater and greater extent.  I have to get visual fields done in a hurry to keep my driving license (I'm partialy blind).  In previous years I would stress like anything to get them done and while waiting for the official verdict; now I'm feeiing more fatalistic and calmer.

 

Some of this is getting used to post-stroke me (several years, and I'm still not there), some is giving up.

 

Logically, I know that I am exceptionally lucky.  My stroke could have been FAR worse.  Our marriage could have fallen apart.  I could have been unable to work.  And so on.  I get good support from my neurologist, and have a Zoom call with the hospital's shrink from time to time.  I dislike myself for whining, and giving up, and not doing more for the people I love.  But looking at younger friends with no cognitive issues going through similar problems, I guess that COVID just sucks.

 

Thank you all, stay safe.  My medical friends tell me that the worst is over and we'll be back to semi-normal "soon".

 

         paul

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Hang in there Paul, let it go when you can. Adjusting to this new life takes time, and I mean both the post stroke life and the Covid life.  Both Suck in some very similar ways. A little whine/whinge is fine, but once you've done that, pick up your bundle and keep on trudging. And we are happy to listen to your whine so you don't have to burden those close to you.

 

I do hope the worst is over, but Delta seems to be changing lots of things, it's much more transmissible and transmissible earlier, it also seems to be more likely to put someone into hospital, and the treatments they have been using for the last year are not as successful either. I hope your medical friends are right but I'm not holding my breath either. It's not helped that here we are way behind with getting people fully vaccinated.

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