Sometimes I am just not the person I want to be or think I am, or try to be.

Lately I admit to myself that I am sometimes passive aggressive, petty,envious, selfish. I need to spend some time in the confessional but maybe this venting will at least make me feel better. Or will it be more unkindness on my part? Well so be it. I am disappointed in myself. Over living with roommates. I have lived with others before in a variety of situations. These things of mine are not new for sure but recently I am quite intolerable of things that my roommates do. Part of is that telling them how I feel has not worked so essentially I must tolerate and respond differently. I am not successful in changing my feelings yet but I put on music,read,escape. Yet my humanness follows me and I long to be better than I am. I feel like I used to be. Is it irritability,depression,meds,or fedupness. I feel like a rotten person. But then trying to relieve myself of guilt, I contemplate my circumstance. I believe it is not only what is inside but also the environment. Perhaps I cannot live in a room so confined and be with the same person a stranger I have come to dislike without feeling resentful and unkind. Even when she does me a kindness, it increases my guilt but does not change my feelings. I think it is the same for others as shouting at each other can be heard on the floor. We do not shout. We apologize for grouchiness. We try. I see that. Perhaps this caged being with so little control over daily life does things to us. Long term care feels like a prison. I stay out longer at dr appointments,sit watching the sky,and think about what it means to be dependent.

I wonder if it would be different with a roommate I liked more or if I would eventually again turn sour. That is the word.Sour. even my stomach is sour.

I have loved people,loved being around them,get lonely when alone,and yet now is this a personality change or is this whole living plan a set up for bringing all this to surface? And I think of how our society overcrowds,warehouses fragile groups of people. Is this what they talk about institutionalized? Right now picking battles feels so much like learned helplessness. There is nothing I can do about it I tell myself.

I used to overlook things about my roommate but now they bother me. I stay nice on outside but I want to feel nice inside. I do not want to change here. I think it is me. I think I will be unhappy everywhere here. I changed before. My roommate was 95,had impacted bowel problems so I never could stand to be in the room. I was exhausted so needed to move. Staff told me how hurt she was and I felt bad and angry staff told me that like I was a bad person.

It is the same thing again with this roommate. She is supposed to take meds so she will be regular but instead she waits so she goes less often, but then it goes on all night and early morning. Again I end up leaving because they do not change her soon. I wish I could handle it but we do not have spray,so I use scented lotion. Staff looks down on me too because they change people all day while I beg for nausea pill.

Besides my shortcomings there, I have been irritated that she wants me to eat as fast as possible so my tray/dishes will be removed as fast as possible. She does not use utensils and drinks her yogurt,cottage cheese,etc, and gobbles down her food.Then sh calls in the cna to remove her tray before her last swallow. Hey,I live and let live. However,she gets angry and critical because I eat slow and do not turn in my tray when she does. She is outspoken telling me I talk while I am eating,I am always playing around with my cell phone instead of eating so my tray sits here. I have told her to just stop,never tell a cna to take my tray when I am eating,that my dishes can be taken somewhere later on,and that she is behind her curtain and cant see my tray! If someone comments on food,she will yell do you still have your tray? She puts calllight on for cna or she goes down the hall saing they forgot the tray repeatedly. Sometimes other roommate has glasses of liquid around to feed her and she gets nuts about those and when she is told they are for later she tells them she won't drink them.

So I am fed up with this crazy OCD stuff she takes meds for. I have stayed cool,went along,so what if I cannot leave my tray to go to the restroom. I understand her anxiety about tidy. But I asked her to stay out of my tray business!Then I kept my tray for hours and every time she mentioned it I told her to stop. But that did not put an end to it. Every day. I used to eat in the dining room when I was in a closer room,then I got strong to walk and now I do not go. So I make do until my nerves get shot. Someone says how was dinner and she goes off about my tray. I do not answer but someone tells her there is no tray.

That is petty dumb. I can give her peace if it only a tray that bothers her. I wonder why I am so mean about it now? But when she says tray that triggers me illogically unreasonably. I dislike her for this,and for saying the same script every morning when they get her up. I can recite it like a morning prayer all the directions,comments,the laugh put in. Thank god for earbuds.

And her worry chains. The what ifs go on an on regardless of who says what. Lately I can only say StopIt. Like the newman episode on youtube called stop it.

I dislike how she gives misinformation about me that causes me problems. She says do this or that and they listen to her. All the time for lots of things when i am not around. Annoying things. She tells them I want to change my menu,tells them to put 2 sheets and 1 blanket when they make my bed. I came back and said why is this bed sheet doubled. She gives me elaborate stories and I say that is impossible,just stop. She says yes it is impossible but it happened.

I am tired of listening to her complain that her lips peeled off because sh does not drink enough so now she has no lips to drink with. Her panic attacks used to bring out concern in me. Now annoyed,I feel rotten.

I ignore her now. I used to be a better friend. But she complains to me and when I asked cna for help she says no I am fine to the cna. I shrug. I am disgusted that she will not get changed,sits and urinates all over. They finally tossed the pad on her wheelchair. She wore same shirt for months only taking it off for shower which was not often. No cna made her be cleaner. I told her straight it stinks of urine in here. She said I had sensitive nose and always nauseated.

She fought her daughter on wearing new shirts she got her.They were same kind but not that one.

Living with all this is difficult. I get it. But I do not want to live with it.

I am now Trying to get in a place with private room.

I hope by facing this side of myself, I will be able to rise above and not allow these things to take hold of me. I pray I can see people as He does and use my own suffering to care more. This is so hard.