One of the painful aspects of being a widow is flashbacks. Flashbacks make you cry, they destroy the happiness of the moment and leave you feeling drained. I was at a Christmas party and suddenly in the background there is one of the songs Ray and I used to dance to when we were young, a "golden oldie", the room goes blank around me and there I am just missing him so much, that feeling of being loved and protected and safe in his arms. No-one puts their arms around me like that any more. I am lucky I go to a fairly friendly church where I get the occasional hug and belong to groups such as Lions where some people like me and give me a kiss on the cheek or a quick squeeze so I do have some bodily contact but I do miss those loving gestures that are so special in a relationship.

Okay, I guess we have that during the caregiver period too, those moments when we want life to be as it should have been, as we had planned for it to be. But when you are a widow you know it is all over. Being a widow is a whole different ball game. It is putting on the bright sky smile when you are out and putting on the rainy day frown when you are home. It is capturing moments of joy when there are people around and learning to live in the silence when there is only you back at home. it is doable and most of the time I am doing well but at times I break down and cry, for what was, for what I have lost, for what life should have been like.

This time of the year with so many of the people chatting about Christmas, visiting family, what they, that is themselves and their partner/spouse are going to do TOGETHER it is even more difficult. I am accepted by the couples now so I sit surrounded by people with plans for events that two people can do together. They travel together, visit family together, enjoy the things I wanted to do with Ray when we retired, caravanning, camping out, enjoying the beaches and the seasonal events. I still miss being a part of a couple. I miss being a part of a large extended family. I lost that when Ray died as I was Ray's wife and suddenly I wasn't I was just Sue who used to be married to "one of the cousins". It is the way they see me now, I know because that is the way someone introduced me. It is totally different way of being seen by people.

It s good my daughter is close now and I am going up to her place for Christmas and hopefully the grandchildren will all be there some time during the day, morning for some, afternoon for others. I am really looking forward to it. But I will still be feeling the loss of Ray and I guess our kids will too, there is no substitute for him. Craig's mum will be there and she is a widow too so we always exchange sad smiles when the name of our loved one comes up. So it is a bitter/sweet time of the year for me. I will also have Trevor staying here for a few days Christmas week so that will put a shine on the week for me, and at the moment it seems Alice might be here too, for her access visits so something different to plan for. I am so looking forward to that week.

I have had a man friend I have been going out with for a while and then suddenly it was over and I know why. Many people say it is not good to go out with a widow because they will always compare you to their late husband and I guess in a way it is true. It was not the problem for me but I know now that I judged his reactions by the way Ray would have reacted. If he said this, I said that, it was an automatic response. He would look puzzled and ask: "Why did you say that?" and there it is, the problem with being with one man for 44 years. I was used to doing things and saying things and being understood but that does not apply in a new relationship and can lead to some misunderstandings. Maybe I am like the old dog who cannot learn new tricks. So it is over, in the end he said "too many complications" and that is right.

So if you are wondering about the title of the blog it is from a song by Olivia Newton John called "Please Mr please" about a song that reminds her of a lost love. I have a thousand dance tunes that remind me of Ray as dancing was how we courted and dancing has a place in our family's history. We danced on and off until he had the first stroke in 1990 and he could no longer spin around. We did a two step at our daughter's wedding and that was the last time we danced in public. It was so sad. I would hear music and just long to dance but if I tried to hold Ray up and dance it was never the same. And he wanted to forget he had ever danced I think as the memories were too painful for a man who hated to cry.

I did did get the title of Pole Dancing Princess at the Saturday night dance for the Women's Weekend this year. I only went to the Saturday dinner as there is so much else to do in my busy life, but I love those women and I am never going to forget the positive impact they had on my life when I found them all in 2006. Just as I am never going to forget the impact finding this site had on my life, it saved my sanity. Unlike Ray I can smile through my tears. And that is what I do when those particular love songs comes on the radio or out of the DJ's disco machine, I smile and think yes, at least I have those happy memories to cherish.