I can remember when I was a kid seeing a litter of puppies. The smallest runt of the litter always got pushed aside, not played with, basically treated like an outcast cause he was different. It also had to do with the whole caste system of dogs and their place in the pack. I understand the whole premise of a caste system of dogs, it is simple really, always know your place and don't try to leave it. Most of the dogs or puppies are completely happy and satisfied in their place because they are acting on instinct and they are blissful in their ignorance.

As a kid we moved every two to three years, never stayed in one place long enough.I was always the new kid in school, trying to break into the early formed clicks of small towns. If you live in a small town, you know what I mean, groups formed by being related or by being residents of that town for generations. By always being the outsider, the new kid, I had plenty of time to observe the idea of packs and their caste systems, kids are like litters of puppies too. Always being on the outside looking in, I craved being a part of a group, a sense of belonging, of having real true buddies. I remembered many times observing certion types of kids, and deciding who I related with the most and choosing who I wanted to be friends with, many times the trickle down theory came into play because then many of the ones I choose came with the cousins and friends, so many times I got accepted into a group and disliked the majority of them anyway. I learned early on, you can't want friends so bad that you are willing to be friends with just anybody, you have to be choosy. You've got to understand and enforce the concept of Alpha Dog.

Because to be a good loyal supportive friend who can be counted on, there is a responsibility that goes along with that relationship of friendship, it is work. It isn't something that one attains and then slacks off once it is achieved. Most people don't understand that. " I see friends shaking hands,saying How do you do? But they're really saying is, I love you. I see trees of green and, red roses too, I think to myself Oh, what a wonderful world"

So what is it I am saying here? Am I sub consciously struggling against something that the stroke brought on? I think I am, but it is a subject that told in its entirety would fill up all the band width of this site. Lets just break it down to friends disappearing and the letdown of loosing different relationships because one suffered a stroke. I forgot, no expectations. So my new obsession with the song It's a wonderful world is my effort at convincing myself it is a wonderful world. I'm involved with another process of self discovery or growth.

Pam