becky1

Kelli, I, and maybe other members, would like to make a cash donation to StrokeNet in honor of Steve. But the boards for that are gone. Can you tell me how to make a donation? By credit card, please? Becky THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO!

Lg, I RE-READ MY LAST POST TO YOU LAST NIGHT AND FELT THAT IT WAS UNNECESSARILY HARSH AND UNCLEAR. i APOLOGIZE FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. i WAS ANGRY THAT YOU'RE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS AND THAT THERE ARE FEW RESOURCES TO HELP YOU. THEN I REMEMBERED SOMETHING; YEARS AGO, SOME PEOPLE REALIZED THAT THERE WERE AN AWFUL LOT OF KIDS RUNNING AROUND WHO ALL HAD THE SAME PROBBLEMS; THEY WERE COMBATIVE, BELLIGERENT, AND NO ONE KNEW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM.HENCE, THE TERM, 'WILLIE M" WAS BORN, AND ALOT OF CASH FLEW INTO IT. GROUP HOMES SPRANG UP ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. I THINK THE WILLIE M'S COULD BE IN THE PROGRAM UNTIL THEY AGED OUT AT 21. BUT, THEN WHAT? THEN THEY WENT INTO GROUP HOMES FOR ADULT WILLIE M'S, ONLY, THEY WEREN'T CALLED M'S"ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY HAD AGED OUT. IF YOUR LOVER ASSAULTED ONE OF THEM, THEY'D JUST KNOCK HIM ON HIS BUM AND WALK AWAY. THEN BOTH WOULD BE DISCIPLINED. WHAT A WAY TO LEARN, BUT IT WORKS!THIS INFO GAVE ME HOPE THAT AN APPROPRIATE PLACEMENT COULD BE FOUND.MAYBE NOT STRICTLY FOR ADULT WILLIE0M;S, BUT SIMILAR.PLACING HIM IS WHAT IS GOING TO TAKE ALOT OF TIME AS HE DOESN'T FALL EASILY INTO ANY CATEGORY FOR TREATMENT SUCH AS NURSING HOME OR PSYCHIATRIC PLACEMENT. MAYBE YOUR VCASEWORKER KNOWS OF ONE OR KNOWS OF SOMEONE TO ASK ABOUT IT. BECKY

lg, I DON'T SEE THE NEED FOR YOU TO say anything to him along those lines. I think you said some time ago that he can remember things for, at most, 20 min. So you stress over what to say, and how to say it, and he doesn't remember what you said 20 min. later. In addition, he doesn't seem to process things. And he has this flat, unresponsive affect So, saying anything to him right now is going to hurt and affect you way more than it will him. For what? What's the point? To hurt you more? I THINK YOU CAN LET IT BE. i YOU WANT/NEED TO SAY SOMETHING TO HIM, SAY IT WHEN HIS LEAVING IS IMMINENT. Ii know Heather means well, but PLEASE DON'T JUST GO OFF, AND LEAVE HIM There alone. Anything could happen. He could find the road, and walk down the middle of it, and be hit. Or decide to take down that tree that's half dead with your chainsaw. I worked for CPS-Child Protection Services for 28 yrs, What you have is an Adult Protective social worker. And, I'm not sure how DHS would react to your leaving him to fend for himself. They cannot, I THINK, HOLD YOU LEGALLY RESPo9nsible for his care and supervision, but as MCCONNELL said of Trump after his impeachment trial, you are morally and ethically responsible...DHS would really like to have you charged with a crime if he were hurt while alone. I

Steve! OMG! HE WAS SUCH AN INSPIRATION! i feel as if i've lost an old friend, when I didn't "know" him at all ,except through his legacy. StrokeNet. HE WILL ALWAYS BE LOVED AND MISSED AND ALWAYS REMEMBERED FOR HIS BRAINCHILD. MY CONDOLENCES TO THE FAMILY. BECKY

No, L g.You're not doing the wrong thing, but the only thing that you can do to help him. If he would get in a car, and go willingly to see a doc once a week or so this wouldn't be necessary .But, he won't do that So what are you supposed to do? Wait, and do nothing until he does some real damage to you or to himself, or others? When is enough going to be enough? Becky .

Lg, I almost suggested this as an option to you to speed things up- it has its advantages, and one disadvantage that may make charging him a no - go. When he assaults you, call 911 and when the police arrive, tell them what happened, and that DHS is involved and trying to place him in a facility for this kind of behavior. SHOW THEM WHATEVER YOU MAY HAVE FROM THEM TO PROVE THIS. The police may ask you if you want to charge him, say 'yes'., and they will take him off to jail. He probably won 't stay there long because DHS will take him and put him in a temporary placement until a more permanent one can be found. Another way, and possibly the best way, to handle this would be for you to call the crisis or Helpline, whatever it's called in your neck of the woods. they will probably send him to the local hospital to be evaluated, and then sent either to the psychiatric treatment floor of the hospital or to a State facility. This may all sound very complicated, but it really isn't as there will be someone there to help you. The major issue that I saw with involving the police is that you may, at some point have to testify against your partner, and I didn't know how you would feel about that. Also, keep in mind that laws may differ by state. So, while I've tried to cover the bases, the bases may differ in your neck of the woods. Good luck. Becky

CONGRATULATIONS on completing the first 2 steps ( asking for help (1), and (2) meeting with your assigned social worker for the 1st time.) You did very well, and I'm sure you'll breeze through the remaining steps. Good luck, Becky

LG, Thanks for updating us. I'VE BEEN WONDERING HOW YOU ALL WERE DOING. GOOD LUCK. Becky

ALAN,God bless you, and I hope and pray all goes well for you. Becky

Lg, I don't know how long it wiil take. It depends on a lot of things. I'm guessing that what may take the longest may be assessing him to figure out what he needs and then finding a place which meets those needs. Becky

LG. I'm SORRY YOUR PLANS DIDN'T WORK QUITE AS WELL AS YOU HOPED. Call the ;local hospital and talk to the HOSPITAL social worker. Or, you can call the local crisis intervention worker for the Mental Health Center- this service is available 24/7. Or, if you feel that he will be combative, call the police as they can transport him safely to the hospital, not to arrest him but to get him evaluated, which has to happen anyway before he can be placed anywhere. You cannot place him by yourself. You need to have a doctor's referral. If your friend has a personal doctor, you can also ask them if they would help you. I have given you the bare bones of what needs to happen, but this process may vary from state to state, Good luck to both of you. Becky

That probably would have freaked me rt. out. My stroke symptoms were felt first in my face. I'M SO SORRY YOU HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS, BUT GLAD YOU'RE OK Becky.

Good luck, Alan. Prayers. Becky

Thanks,Heather. I think that I saw a picture of one about a yr. ago, but it was labelled as "a round tent". I was very curious about it, which is probably why I remember it so well. GQ, what is "glamping"? Geez, I'm learning a whole new vocabulary here. Maybe I should take notes. Becky

A YURT?

LG, I think that Janelle may be on to some6hing here: Seeing you express honest emotion gave him a chance to see that there are consequences to one's actions, both to the recipient and himself as he felt remorseful afterwards. You could have talked about these things all day, but showing him in real time, real life probably showed him much better and quicker. And you needed to feel safe exposing yourself to him. All in all, it may have been a "good" experience for both of you. This sounds as much like a journey of discovery as it does a journey of recovery to me. My prediction is that you will both learn a lot about yourselves, and each other as you travel this journey. Good luck, and update us when possible. Becky

DEIGH, What it is is uncontrolled muscular movements that look like random movements, which have no purpose other than to irritate their host, or the one who is having them. For instance, early in my recovery, whenever I stood up my left leg would start shaking, like I was doing a bad Elvis imitation. The shaking was not caused by anything that I knowingly did, nor did it assist me in my goal of standing . My left hand will start shaking sometimes if I extend my left arm trying to reach something. These issues started about 6 mos. after my stroke, so about 13 yrs. ago. While I still have problems with spasticity and tone they are much improved as long as I remember to take my Baclofen. Becky

There is a difference between running away from , and running to, and it sounds like you're running to. And it just might be the ticket. Like Heather said, you can both start over, get things the way you want/need them to be, and be somewhat of a distraction for both of you. Might be good for both of you. Just don't expect any "miracle cures". Stroke deficits tend to be stubborn no matter where you are Becky.

I love reading posts- long or short, but with nystagmus still in my left eye, it's difficult to read long posts because I keep losing my place. But I can find it eventually, so don't let that keep you from posting long posts whenever you want to! Becky

LG, I0'm so sorry that the.....se people invaded your lives as they did.I hope that there will come a day where you can see the humor in this.YOU'RE ON YOUR KNEES TRYING TO GET HIS PULL-UP ON, AND SOME BUSY-BODY WALKS IN, SEES YOU, AND HER LITTLE MIND THINKS YOU'RE HAVING SEX?! iF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THAT'S KIND OF FUNNY. SAD, BUT FUNNY. Sometimes the humor is there, but you have to look for it. And you have to develop a knack for finding it. Becky

LG, I just want to make sure that you know I wasn't saying that you should place him now, even though there are some advantages to that , But I meant(even if I didn't say it right) that you should consider placement if his hitting behavior continues. Because that can be very dangerous behavior for both of you. Placing him would be the only option you had to protect him from himself, and to protect you from his uncontrolled rage. Whereas, if you became incapacitated, and an uncaring relative were at the helm, he could be placed in the first home which had a bed, regardless of how appropriate it was.

So, I have a question for you, LG: What is going to happen to him if your own health issues worsen, and you are no longer able physically or mentally to take care of him? Does he have family who would step up to the plate? More likely, he will be placed in a nursing home. Which is not necessarily a bad thing as long as the nursing home is a good one, and there are good ones out there, you just have to find them. Rely on word-of-mouth to find a good one .I would think that he would qualify for a Skilled Nursing Facility because of his cancer issues, and choose one that has therapists on staff, so that he can work on his own issues while there. Ask if after health issues are cleared he can be transferred to a Behavioral Management Facility to work on his behavioral issues. This kind of facility is much more rare than nursing facilities, but they do exist. Who knows, there may be one nearby. I'm suggesting that if his hitting behavior continues that you consider placement, with the goal being to return him home once he has better control over his behavior.. But please don't try to do all of this by yourself. Try to find a neuropsychiatrist for him. A neuro-psych can evaluate him and help you decide what to do. They are specialists in treating behavioral problems caused by neurological problems. They are somewhat hard to find. Try looking for one in large metropolitan areas, or near universities or colleges. Good luck, LG, AND KEEP US IN THE LOOP AS TO HOW YA'LL ARE DOING. BECKY.

Jana, Your fears are shared by many of us about ourselves, and each person has to find his/her way of coping with the "what ifs". I'm no different from you in respect to the reason for your anxiety: I, too, am afraid of having another stroke even though my first and only stroke was 13 yrs. ago. I still take anxiety meds to ward off panic attacks. One of the things that helps me is to look at it this way: Researchers are looking for averages or the most frequent occurrences.They only mention in passing those who don't fall into the averages. To borrow from your example above, the researchers could have said something like: "The average age of the people that we studied was 66, and they had their first stroke by age 64..." (My example here is purely fictitious but used to make a point. ) The point being that very little is said about the people who were less than 66. Those people were outside their averages, just as you could fall outside average of some people who had more than one stroke. I think that I probably did not explain that well. Know this: Each stroke is unique to the person who has it. Yes, each person bears some similarities to other str0ke victims, but is also different in some ways. BECAUSE OF OUR DIFFERENCES, IT MAY NOT BE USEFUL TO COMPARE YOUR STROKE TO OTHER'S. Find out,instead, the cause of your own stroke, if you can, keep taking your meds. as you are, and look to the future of those 2 beautiful kids who need their Mom. BEST, BECKY

pLEASE UPDATE US WHEN YOU CAN. Becky

Like Sue, I can't think of any words to say except that I'M SORRY THAT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HAVE ANOTHER ORDEAL TO GO THROUGH. i THINK THAT SUE'S SUGGESTION IS good one: Yes, see your brother as often as you can, Bring in old family photos to talk and laugh about. TAKE WALKS OUTSIDE WHEN HE CAN. Make fishing trip plans. Whatever makes you both feel good.And remember that you both have a lot of friends here at Strokenet who are praying for you both. Becky