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SassyBetsy

Stroke Survivor - female
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Everything posted by SassyBetsy

  1. I used to love to be on the chat room but since now I only use my mobile and it's an Android does anybody know how to get in a chat room from this send me a private note
  2. Hi and welcome don't you just love this place I've been coming back for years now so many wonderful people and wonderful topic no misinformation boy if something's weird on here everybody jumps on it and so this is a great group to get really accurate information. I also had an ischemic stroke but mine was in the midbrain and it affected my balance I to walk but with the aid of a walker and I sort of blabber on about that stuff so that's all I'll say except that I was what was I how old was I 6 years ago when I had my stroke anyway I was under 50 so let's just leave it at that I tend to not really remember my birthday after 25 LOL so I get a lot of comments on oh you look so young especially since now I live in a nursing home and people are often amazed that anyone can get a stroke at any age so it really bugs me when people talk about oh you're so young I hope that you don't also get that anyway welcome and enjoy.
  3. SassyBetsy

    Happy Strokaversary

    .GymSO THIS IS MY 6TH YEAR! I am blessed. I think. I am not much changed in the pandemic living in a nursing home. I see people every day so I'm not really isolated. So it's scary. But then again I am grateful for the help and Company. But they have us isolated from each other so I miss seeing my friends. But I see plenty of staff so I don't see how I am that much more protected because the staff are out in the world and my next door neighbor is not. So some of us have going into each other's rooms anyway because there are some people that because they have dementia they are put out into the hallway because they need the nurses to keep an eye on them. So on Mother's Day one of the ladies who is like a mother to me came into my room and shared a pizza with me and we had a good laugh and played some cards like we used to. We have lost quite a few friends this year and who knows if it was due to the pandemic but we toasted them. Anyway the nurse is here some of them are paranoid and they don't want to get near you when you are ill. I can't explain how that makes you feel. When I had sinusitis really bad and one of the nurses was standing across the room and I needed my wound dressing on my foot changed and she wouldn't do it and kept saying it was somebody else's job and something in me snapped and I said to her that I don't care virus or not you don't leave a human being in pain and you don't become a nurse if you can stand by and see someone asking for help. Anyway that nurse was having some sort of breakdown and kept saying that she helped me and that God knew that she helped me so anyway I can see that the people on the front lines are gyros but when you're in a nursing home I know ready feeling abandoned and not being able to see my son has been very hard. He brought me a care about Sunday and I said maybe I could wave to you at the window and then I said no I don't think I could see you I would break down and who knows I might make a break for the doors even though I don't move very quickly LOL. My son agreed and said no the windows are the worst. We are close and she knows how emotional I get in fact what do you use to surprise me and come home and I would literally be doing something in the closet and then I would walk out of the closet and there you'd be standing in my bedroom and I would just be so overcome that I would just scream and scream and cry and say oh my God you're here you're here you're really here and I'd squeeze them to death and you know it would just be so emotional so wonderful but that's why I think I could never tolerate being outside the window and not being able to touch him. So for now we don't even Zoom we just text and then I said I want to hear your voice on Mother's Day I just want to hear you I'm so he did he called me and I swear we were on the phone all afternoon Into the Night and finally he said well Mom I think I got to go eat now and I said do you think that you could eat and still be on the phone with me and of course I was just joking no I was not. But anyway he wins and as soon as I got off the phone I just broke down and wept because it had been a wonderful conversation we talked about everything Google things and we talked about gaming and we even shop together on Amazon 4 our friend that you went to HighSchool with and she married her high school sweetheart and they had a Harry Potter themed wedding and so we were looking for things for the baby and we found some very cute Star Wars sayings to in fact I bought a hand-knitted beanie that was R 2 d 2 and it's so adorable and I bought it large so it won't really fit a newborn but it will fit up to 12 months that way and I was telling my son that way the baby can use it longer and he laughed and he said well Mom you're more experienced in that then I am! So then he was telling me about putting together a computer and I was looking on Amazon and computer parts and if somebody had told me that I'd ever be doing that in my lifetime I would have laughed but I just so enjoyed spending time on the phone with him looking at computer parts it seemed fun! But sadly it was time to go back to texting which is okay really. But he is my reason for surviving I know so my daughter more so my daughter because she needed me so much At that time. But I have not heard from her again his chosen that and it is broken my heart Beyond Reason I did not bear to even talk about it end so we will not losing a child in any fashion is intolerable not natural. Those Soul cannot bear it so my love goes to my son and I don't pretend to be whole but we are both damaged and we have to be there each other. I hope my daughter is happy in her life I truly do but she has left us us in ruin but as her mother I have no choice but to go on loving her and this is my ruin. My best friend says leave the door open and I get so angry because I say it's never been closed never and it never could be. I cannot think of my stroke recovery without mentioning her she was my angel is it yet I think that was the how things went so wrong her being my caretaker at the time was all we could do I was so angry because she was just a kid and she took care of me and then I couldn't it didn't work out that way and so I had to go to the nursing home and she didn't have anywhere to go to and so she went with some friends and I'm afraid my family was not good and losing our our home is something that she's never forgiven me for even though it wasn't really my fault it was all my fault I'm the one that had the stroke and that suffering from stroke I was fixing up the house and she had fixed up her room and we were so very happy but I was denied my disability and then of course later on in the nursing home I was granted it but it's just too late and my daughter is bitter and so anyway she has a beautiful son now and I see him grow up from a distance because he's mostly with his dad which is good because he's a good provider his family is good to their grandson. This is not how I thought my life would be. But my best friend tells me that she has two grandsons and she hardly ever gets to see them and she always thought that she would be the main babysitter but she's not she's the only invited occasionally and then they don't really leave the boys with her she just visits and so she never gets a chance to bring them to her house but that's the way the mother wants it. Now she has a daughter that's getting married and she's hoping that so be a grandmother a real grandmother that gets to spend time with the kids and drive them around. Look at us making plans for the future and who knows. When I think of all the plans that I had made and I see the tatters of them blowing in the wind still and I can see the things but I had hoped for but look at what became of them and I know that we can only live for what now and be grateful for what is now because things change suddenly. Suddenly is the word for it suddenly. Right now the world is receiving that thief in the night that steals dreams. I keep hearing people say it was sudden. People became ill and then suddenly they died. And lives were changed dreams were stolen. The dreams of the young even has been impacted. Perhaps that's why they dance on the beach not worrying about the pandemic for the day despite the risk. And I can understand that needing to be a free spirit and wanting to rebelled against what destiny it's forcing on us but this is showing us that we do not live for ourselves we must protect each other we are each other's caregivers. We cannot survive without each other. And we are granted life because of each other's lives. But I am so sorry that the Young struggle with this concept but I too was once Young and I won't call it a selfishness just self preservation and that self-preservation means protecting one's dreams. Charity means reality so let me stop talking about dreams and talk about what my anniversary means for me in this world today. Well my son said that his life really had not changed very much because he basically went to work and came home and then went to work came home. So he is an essential worker and so working for lab he has been quite busy and working at a lot of overtime now. I don't know the details so anyway they do a lot of online gaming and he has put me in touch with all this gaming stuff I don't play with them but I do a lot of gaming now. and I also do a lot of coloring one of the members here dearest Pearl Wherever You Are I love you and I thank you and I've colored probably 50 books flying all over the place and I've had nurses ask me to color them things and they framed them and put them in their homes and right now I've stopped working on peacocks for a while and I know I have five books of fairies and I plan on putting them in the bathroom did decorate my room so much they don't have any room but some people have told me I owe this one's my favorite and so I plan on giving some more away No 6 years later as I've said I still have pain that is not any better unfortunately as they have predicted the medication does not work as well. After I had my heart attack I met with my doctor and I said that I did not feel comfortable going ahead with the surgery to get the electrodes. I am afraid I said. I could see the disappointment in the doctor's eyes he invested a lot of time and effort and I said for now anyway is how I feel maybe in time when I am not so afraid of having another heart attack if I can just let myself heal from just having stents put in my heart and perhaps get my walking back to where it was because right now I'm in a wheelchair I'm having trouble with sores on my feet again and I told him that my kidneys were not working very well I just had bronchitis at the dime and so I said I just don't feel strong enough right now the plan for surgery and that was right before the world stopped all surgeries. So I guess I made the right call for myself anyway so I still need to go in and have a procedure for blood clot in my leg that were found right around the time I was sick and so now I wonder a lot about what is going on with my health at this point but all they do here at the nursing home is just a lot of nothing and that's why I'm going to outside doctors. So because of that I wanted to put that electrode option on hold. So now I rely on drugs and so it takes a little extra because now I can't even get the spinal RFA that I was used to getting. It doesn't work as well and I suffered a lot on many days and then other days I'm okay and I'm all right and people see me be okay on those days and they think I'm just a big faker. Well too bad. Now what is improved is many days my balance I can walk with my cane in my room and I never thought that that would happen again when I first had my stroke I was in the wheelchair and I couldn't sit up straight. So for all those newbies I'm doing will they ever be the same this is all I can offer is that for me I could not even sit up in the bed that first week of May of my stroke and I had to be in a wheelchair that first year nearly but I could still learn to walk with the Walker during that time and I got my three-wheel walker after my four-wheel Walker which really helped me learn to balance better as well now that I had these problems with my sores I have to go back and get stronger and get a little bit more balanced he used the three wheeler but this minor setback I know that I can get my strength back up soon and if I could just stop getting sores on my field which is another page so I offer this keep hope alive keep working hard at whatever you need to relearn because it happened slowly but surely but you not ever be fooled by a doctor that tells you as they did me that you're going to be just fine in 12 months and that is stroke was minor you're going to be okay back to work twiddle Dee Dee. when I went to a real neurologist he said to me that I had a lacunar stroke they knew precisely where it was and what it did and why and it was all explained there was no great mystery and also warned me against some of the treatments that he said his colleagues were even working on but I pressed him instead what would you tell your own wife and daughter he said just be careful about things that cannot be removed be careful about brain implant do more damage then what they're in there to fix. And so this highly esteemed neurologist in one of the best places on Earth to be treated for a stroke he told me that sometimes there are changes it happened slowly overtime but in his experience lost time what is now is as good as it gets. I'm afraid that he did not destroy my hopes because you see I was more destroyed when I was waiting for something that never happened he gave me a gift of hope that was based in reality and gave me something to work toward and a place to see an experience changes that I could be grateful for and he gave me a life that I could make realistic decisions about. and it was the right choices because over time I've needed the nursing care for more than just stroke related things and I needed more than just a little bit of help around the house. when I came to this nursing home my pain was not under control and so I spent a lot of nights screaming better now and I am grateful. I don't know what the world will be like later but for now I am okay and life is it's not what I thought it would be right after my stroke I thought I would make a full recovery but I didn't and yet I'm okay with how things turned out but I still sometimes find myself weeping so what I lost but I know that that's a waste of time but sometimes I have to indulge myself but most of all I have to protect myself from going to that dark place And I has to stay positive about making some of those realistic changes. today I have a cane but I'm not allowed to walk alone I must have someone's arm to hold onto and most of the time I don't want to fall in the restaurant so I will take my three-wheel walker I highly recommend a three wheeled walker and I got that after I had the four-wheel Walker. I still use my four-wheel Walker at night because it gives me more stability I also use my wheelchair periodically when I'm supposed to stay off my heel when it is healing from the store. I also take my wheelchair when I know that I'm going to be required to walk farther than I can I'm supposed to be getting all these things replaced for free. Ask your doctor if they know about the diabetic shoe program is another advice I would give to a newbie So I've had improvements and my double vision sometimes but it other times it goes back to what it was and I've had improvements in this shaky hands the involuntary movements which may be because of the medication or maybe the tremor from stroke and that will come and go on days to and the fatigue though is constant and a lot of the nurses they will it's the drugs that you're on they make you tired I changed some but basically come through I always need a nap and my son says that between 3 and 5 it's better if I nap and sometimes I just nap in the car when we've been out and then I'm good to go in the evening another thing that may or not have to do with my stroke thing is that I have sleep apnea and that's another page 2 and so I use oxygen now not for COPD but because of the medication for my heart to that I'm taking 1 year. So anyway it may be that I have to live with pulmonary hypertension but that's not related to my stroke so other health problems of creeped out on me I'm very very grateful I'm glad to be alive even though I don't have a lot of nice little stories to tell our pictures to show are those the thankfully is not paralyzed but my life was damaged more than my body I think so my heart goes out to those who are suffering in this pandemic economic hardship is something real and serious and I don't know what I would suggest but I know that I was young and not thinking about retirement I thought I had many years ahead to do that and then when I most needed disability I kept being denied and then right before I went into the nursing home and it was too late by then the damage has been done and I just went ahead and went in the nursing home which was the right thing to do because it gave my children their lives back and I think that in the end it is saved my life and helped me with my stroke recovery and so I dream some day of getting out of here and maybe the world will be a different place I don't know maybe that was my destiny because I know I'm protected in here who knows who knows and it's very hard to say why something goes this way and why some and it's hard to predict and it's hard to a place to be. but my best friend says just be glad that you are safe and taking care of and I know that to be true there are people on the street that need to be in nursing homes and so I will remain grateful and fight to be alive we only get one life so keep fighting and why because our children need us
  4. SassyBetsy

    Dearest Sue you truly are an angel on Earth you are making such a difference with everything you are doing and your attitude as usual is one of introspection and high standards of morality and ethics. God bless your son for realizing that flowers are Not Just Flowers on Mother's Day they are attributes they are a thank you they are all the emotions and words that a son holds in his heart and wants to express and so he had more than the right to be indignant that they couldn't get them there on time. Things are not so out of our control after all he negotiated and got them for free for their complete blunder. Anyway I hope you are enjoying their beauty and scent. very lovely. I laughed when you said your answer is that you had lunch because you have lunch every day. You are a strong Trooper Sue and I know that you two will negotiate and maneuver and that you will find the road ahead in fact I predict that you will find many roads ahead and then you will be conflicted about which one to take but I hope that as usual with the clear sense of common sense that the rest of the world lacks I'm sure that you will look andesite quickly because I've never known you to be indecisive for long
  5. SassyBetsy

    STRENGTH TO SURVIVE

    I am truly lucky to be both a stroke survivor and the Survivor of a major heart attack and I now have a heart full stance on the right and on the left pulmonary hypertension and lymphedema and and and and I realized that everyday I wake up it's a gift and that means so much now that I'm living in pandemic and I have thought so many times before that it would have been easier if I had not survived the stroke. But my children were angry and said couldn't I see if they were trying so hard to make me feel loved and supported and I realized that's what I always wanted to do was be here to take care of my kids and yet when I felt the burden to them I felt this see that they were having the strength to survive not me but them I have survived because of my family my children. I live in a nursing home it is a gift I gave to them so that they can go and live their lives and not have to worry about me anymore. So my social distancing has been going on for a while that is nothing new I do miss seeing my son in person. I didn't really want to go through the heart surgery but when I said well maybe it's just time to accept that it's time and I'll never forget the look on my little boy's face yes he's a grown man but in that moment he was a little boy with so much love in his face I'm looking at in the mall who was saying that she was going to be leaving him. We were talking about advance directive. Everybody knows that I have decided to become a body donor. I believe make a note research is important. Are you also have Christian beliefs and grew up believing that everyone must be buried. This is another thing I've done I have decided to do this and my son nose and he's okay with it. I told him I felt very strongly about it and he said yes we have a friend who has become a doctor now and he said yes it is an important thing so it doesn't feel stranger alien and I feel better that my son does not have the worry oh what to do. So I promised to fight and be around for many days as many as I'm allowed. My son and I text daily I feel so loved. And it doesn't matter if there isn't anyone else on the planet that even likes me I am happy that I've had a purpose being a mother. I hope that every mother right now living in this pandemic world would just stop complaining about how the children are getting on her last nerve because these are the most precious days they're the only days that I think mattered in my own life and I put a lot of effort into my education into my work but my days as a mother all that count in my book. So sometimes it's so hard because people can be extremely cruel to the disabled and they just don't even know what it's like of course but there's a kindness that has slipped away from our society I believe and maybe now with all the caring things that are going on that this will continue. I was actually very upset when I had a caretaker here at the facility who kept complaining that she can't to go to Disneyland that she can't fly to Disney World that she can't go out and play with her friends and that she didn't care they were getting together they were going drinking clubbing gaming and he just talked like a fool who didn't realize that she was coming back to the facility exposing all of us here which the whole point of us being on lockdown and not getting to visit with our relatives was to protect the most vulnerable of us and but she was allowed to come to work because she was not running a fever in fact they're still taking people's temperatures at the door even though on the television they keep warning that people can be carriers someone without symptoms who's not sick who doesn't have a fever can pass along this also I'm hearing that people that have contracted this disease this virus I'm not necessarily running a fever and yet I'm still having to endure them coming to take my temperature every day and it's just like nobody's really listening to the top scientist to the people that really know what's going on and so this whole system here is cracked. So if I lived by myself or with my family and I wouldn't come in contact with any strangers. And yet they say that they want to protect people who are living in facilities but how is that being done exactly when the staff is made up of the young the Bold the Beautiful the Invincible. So anyway. I've been feeling like I've had a sinus infection with the sore throat with trouble breathing but they tell me I can't have this virus because I haven't had a fever well I hope that's the case. But there is not a test here T check if my need for antibiotics is truly that I can't get over this sinus infection I am I battling is other things. I could have a bacterial infection plus a virus maybe another kind of flu I realize this. I don't know sometimes I can't even think straight I'm on too much medication for pain because I can't get a spinal I can't get those treatments that I need propane so I've Loved taking medication. So what does that mean for people who have chronic pain
  6. Oh Rubbish, docs. They do not have a crystal ball. Let her be awile, to rest and then therapy is key,even in bed, take your time because she has to put time into recovery it is not overnight whatever comes.At first of all I wanted was to know that everyone still loved me and that I can have dignity even after stroke so I was happy when someone gave me the time and patience and waited for me to talk even though I was slow and I appreciated it when they didn't talk about me when I was in the room like I was a child and there are few other things I know you'll read about here that we appreciate after we had our Strokes so in the meantime big brother if you want to pray if you want to hope, if you want to believe ... do it do it with all your heart because your little sister needs it and it sounds like you will be her champion Come What May
  7. SassyBetsy

    You bring up a very good point Sue and I think that we've all had our fill of video chat video zig zag Zoom it's just not the same as seeing a person's eyes when you tell the news or just the warmth and energy that comes off of physical body that I never seem to have paid attention to be bored and I think that communication requires not being distant he requires eye contact body language and just the sense of belonging to that person at that time for however what the relationship is and family member means you are fully accepted unconditionally and so we want someone who has that connection when there's a crisis because it's a comfort it's a safe Zone to be in and it's nice when you don't have to have a mask and you can be yourself the all the things that they've ever said about how over the Internet it's Anonymous which makes people free and I know that it helps but it also helps to have someone we love close by which reminds me of the years I spent being a homemaker mother and there were days that I wanted to fling the windows open and yell will someone an adult person please just talk to me because I was of course it's surrounded with young ones and singing silly song and comforting down would get to be a chore and I wanted an adult conversation and I wanted to talk about me so I can appreciate that the internet has given me this tool and I love those things about it but there are times when you want someone in the room and you want to have that tea party that's what I call it my tea parties where now I guess it's our coffee our coffee time whatever but when my son comes to see me I want to go out for dessert time. So anyway hang in there Sue you have been such a light for so many people online and stove any people have been blessed Because of You So when you say that you're shy I'm still surprised because I can't imagine you as a soft shy person I always imagined you is like a Molly Brown and so it's refreshing go because I can see in your sock sweetness that love Is Just coming out of every pore and so that's why you're such a light on this site here and you're so valuable here please please sit out in on the veranda and think of us and how much you do for us because you read our blogs. You have consistently read my blog and I thank you and I read your news postings about what everybody blogged so I can sort of keep up which I never can do but sue you do. So if I could make you a better I would put the World War II we can do it woman picture there with you photoshopped. Because you you do so much and I just don't want you to ever feel alone or that you're going through any of this alone. I'm going through similar things having lymphedema so I totally understand how it's tiring and you have to do things like sit down and put your feet up and that in itself is an isolating position. So I'm glad that you have folks that can come and stop by and see you impress that your daughter-in-law Feels So Close to You and honors you as the grandmother other children I guess that tells me exactly who you whoyou are Sue a very very wonderful woman.
  8. SassyBetsy

    Thank you Sue that was wonderful to read I know that I'm supported and hopefully others who have been alone know that we do get through periods of isolation and social distancing it's nothing new to me because my work always seems to require that
  9. SassyBetsy

    Time has stopped

    We're all sort of leaving a type of Groundhog Day it seems to start with the news in the morning finding out how many more people we lost overnight all over the world even I've become much more aware that would happens on one side is going to happen on the other and that each of us is going to be affected. And each of us is getting our morning coffee at some time during the day but we are in different places. Frankly I'm sick to my stomach when I hear people whining in their mansions playing their musical instruments 2 Comfort themselves out of boredom from wandering around 10 bedrooms a pool and jacuzzi LOL and I think of the families crowded into a two-bedroom apartment with children longing to play outside. That is the real picture and that is why we need to get life back to normal so those families who could really lose it all can and avoid being homeless. And then I read about the stroke things and I remember how in just a blink of an eye I lost it all. But I didn't know it then because I fought to hang on do as long as I could but it was such a losing battle from the start if I had known it was going to end like it did what I have put all that effort in or what I have just accepted my fate sooner I can't really say but I had a good time trying to hang on and I accomplish things that I wanted to namely I finished the course and school that I wanted to that I didn't think I could do in the first place but look I ended up doing it after a stroke take that you young whippersnappers sitting next to me and all I have to say to the stupid instructor who critiqued my presentation by saying that I put my face in the tablet and I should have looked up at the audience I have dizziness and other vestibular problems and I had to put my face in the tablet because I was closing one eye to read it in the first place and maybe you should have listened and taken it seriously when somebody says I have this or that disability and help them through it. I think that's a lesson for the nation. People need to listen and not just look at people and make good judgement and say oh you look fine. Anyway all I have to say is that I'm on a different type of Journey right now that I'm just trying to keep up with the type of things that my doctor wants me to do such as we're lymphedema pumps during the day and also keep my legs wrapped up in circaid juxta lights even when I go out walking around but you're not really doing anymore because I'm on lockdown and that means that I can't really leave my room. But whatever my good friends happens to be a male they moved him across the whole for some reason it has nothing to do with me and everybody is saying oh they moved him across the hall and I said oh that's wonderful so now at some point during the day I can make sure that I can go stand in my doorway and he sits in his and we can chit chat for a minute and that is glorious because he's blind and I have always helped him go to different little parties that they hold here at the home including playing bingo. And I think that our friendship is just grown over the years and we just enjoy each other's company and that's all it is but then there's other people that want to say stupid things and I just ignore it. Anyway today I got some candy from my son and I made sure that I shared it with him LOL. My son gave me a care box today and he said that he wiped down each item with alcohol and put it in there and then he closed up the box it was a plastic box and he swab that down good and do you let it sit for about a week so he's quite confident that any germs that are on it have been eliminated and so he gave it to me today and I was very happy because I have not been able to get out to the store so there are things that I need they'd have had to wait but he wasn't able to get out and get me anything because the stores are quite empty anyway so I said that's okay he gave me what he had to share and I said pretty soon I think things'll getting put back up on store shelves and then we'll be able to do some shopping hopefully. Well he'll be able to go out. It's very strange being told that I can't go out in the world because I might not survive it and so I appreciate being protected but on the other hand I don't think that I'd be going out very much anyway right now. And I understand that it's so hard on those much younger who are in the middle of living and then there's those with children and they're so worried or just the worries that they have over horrendous. So it's time to be a prayer Warrior. Was so appreciative of my son just bring it over a sandwich for lunch and then how surreal it was that he was washing it up and putting it in a box that was disinfected. And I couldn't see him because no one's allowed in so I was just able to chat with him on the phone and that was enough to hear his voice. We haven't done any video chat we haven't quite figured out how those work on our phones. So but he did send me a YouTube he got online playing his musical instrument and very good I was so proud of him! and I have been listening to it and watching it all the time it warms my heart. Just wish they would have said something but he's super shy I guess I don't know when that came about LOL saved mask that I got when I went to the Urgent Care and they had me wear it they didn't want me to catch anything and so I still have it and I'm wearing it as much as I think I need to being around other people but everybody here was given a cloth mask to wear that was on the staff and I wish that I was given something but it's controversial about whether or not we need it because if we're not sick then, anyway I just realized that the rest of the world is now experiencing what I have been experiencing four years living in a nursing home now other people I've lost the ability to see their friends and family and other people are confined and isolated and they can go out to restaurants when they want to or to go shopping when they want to and I'm thinking my life hasn't changed a bit and it's interesting to see how other people are coping with this change. And all of a sudden I'm appreciating the resiliency in my own heart because I hear how other people are having such a hard time doing the very thing that I've been doing for years. Anyway it can be done and I hope that everybody helps each other and that now is the time to reach out and help other people that are feeling that they can't cope. I just want to say that my daily pain has prevented me from being a part of the real world for such a long time that I can pretty much feel for the rest of people that are saying that they're having a hard time and I say well try to stay connected is some support system and I know that there's other people that are feeling the same way and they can help. thank you to everybody who is always hope and been there for me. I put up a new picture I hope it speaks to you the way it speaks to me take care of everyone God bless you all
  10. SassyBetsy

    Zoo I took the time to read this again today I don't know why but this always seems to comfort me because you're optimistic spirit and determination to live life to the fullest and to not go quietly into that well you know anyway this piece of writing is a masterpiece and I hold it dear to my heart. Thank you so much for sharing your journey every step I feel I have raised a teacup towards your full recovery and I'm very grateful to hear that the little angel has her thumb form Liam place. And I love that you call it living on Angel time so true so true God has a plan because he's known us before we even existed which I have a hard time getting my mind around but I firmly believe. So maybe it takes knowing that it could all burst one day to fully appreciate. I guess I go back and read this because the quality of life and the quantity of life don't always go hand-in-hand and I know that you go and visit people in hospital and you can see that still hold on to life no matter where they're living it. My life has value we have value is people. And I know some people don't appreciate that. I was particularly shocked to hear on the news if someone said that some people should be sacrificed to this virus. Well I'm not sure how he's going to go about choosing but I'm not sure he's going to get very many volunteers unless they're giving themselves 4 a good cause such as caring for others in the face of being exposed themselves. We are the people will always come to the aid of others I believe that to be true. I'm not sure that we will sit down quietly to be sacrificed. There's a difference oh I'm going off on a tangent because I live in a nursing home now and I feel very imprisoned as we've been locked down and it doesn't sound nice to be told that my value my life doesn't mean as much as another person's. But recently I was complaining that I had a lot of fatigue as I am having some difficulty breathing these days. And one of the nurses commented that I that's all I did was sleep all day anyway everyday. I know I said no no I don't little projects to keep me busy I visit with people I go around and I talked with people I have friendships I have a life and when I find myself sleeping more than usual that is unusual. And I realized that she didn't think that I was worth a crap and I guess maybe that's how other people see it but I have a life worth living whatever small little backyard plot did I get to plow that's me that's mine. Recently I gave a friend a pair of shoes that I got free and she really liked them and I'm finding that I'm not able to wear shoes these days because of the swelling in my feet so I gave them to her and she kept saying how happy she was to have them and then she look at me and say are you sure you don't want them back and I said No No I gave them to you because I know that I'm not going to use them but now seeing how happy you are with them on your feet I wouldn't dream of wanting them back and seeing her so happy made me happy. Then I briefly had this glimpse of me scooping up the rest of my shoes and giving them to her because I really don't know when I'm going to get my feet back in them with all this stupid swelling but then I figured nah most of them have been kind of Warren These are nice and brand new not broken in and literally worn once and they're actually a double-dip which she's really happy to have. She said that there I said be careful they gave me a blister I don't want the same to happen to you so make sure somebody took some out for you and gives you the right kind of inserts. But I think that we should all look for that moment where life becomes a little more fun. I'm in the middle of all of this trauma of Health changing we know that we're never guaranteed the next moment of life it's all a gift and we say it but we don't believe it but it's very true there is a little angel there with her finger on the red button and at any moment when God nods his head then she is going to gracefully raise her hand and Usher us into the next phase of our spiritual existed out of our Earth body I believe that will be entered into his kingdom but whatever Kingdom you think you are going to be ushered into one thing is for sure IR residency here will end. Well as attached as I am to this body there's been many things I wish could have been changed LOL there are others however who have had a more pleasant existence in this lifetime and they may have more resistance. It reminds me of the reading and scripture that says it is very difficult for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God and I guess that's why cuz we become very attached to our things to our bodies and these are all temporary. Don't get me wrong when I had to give away all my belongings I wasn't happy about some things some things I've been very attached to. Recently I had to block about it. Anyway thanks again Sue for reminding me that we are just here for as long as God allows. You have done so many wonderful things for all of us that I've treasured your time here and I hope you'll be here a lot longer because I love you too Sue you're my dearest friends thank you periods
  11. Osher my happy stroke day anniversary day was the day that I could have ceased to exist but I survived it and I survive everyday and one of the things I'm most proud of is that I am able to bulldoze through on days that I'm overcome with the deficits that become enhanced always when I suffer through sinusitis and bronchitis like I just have been going through and then if I find out that we're having a pandemic sure there's extra stress sure there's extra fear but I also just survived a heart attack and I had stents put in but because of this virus they have cancelled the procedure that I was going to have to remove a blood clot in my leg and I'm thinking well I wouldn't want to be exposed to the deadly virus going around or spread anything to the doctors that are so badly needed now because how do I know I'm not a carrier. Yes I didn't think I could bear anything more than the stroke but now I'm a heart attack Survivor. I feel I live on borrowed time and I have days where I'm one big cognitive glitch. But I also know that everyday is a gift and I just am quiet inside now. Now things upset me in a way that never used to and I can just feel like I can't breathe even over just the smallest thing. But these are triggers some things and but I know I'm tougher than I've ever been and yet I can look like I am falling apart in the next breath and so I feel like I can't really trust what's real inside me but I think that over the years I just handle putting out fires and what I've learned is I am stronger then I think I am and I know I'm definitely braver than I appear to be and I know is when I came on this sight and I was given so much comfort good advice and encouragement education and I've tried to get back but sometimes I just need to have my own space and I just sort of disappear within my world but after I time out I know I need to be connected to survivors because we are a unique group that has learned so many lessons and we have so much to offer the world I think if someone was to compile all of our stories into a book and people who didn't have a stroke could read this book maybe the world would stay as it has become recently more connected friendlier more caring. I think we know how to quiet the panic now because are anxiety comes from a source the world can't know it's not just fear of dying dying would be easy it's the fear of living with all of the things stroke gave us we can applaud ourselves for how resilient we have True Grit. I think you for sharing your story because honestly I think that you are very strong.
  12. SassyBetsy

    So what is everybody else doing? In my household because my kids did musical theater and dance from young age and I grew up as a child of a professional musician and was exposed to a lot of music, we knew that there was a song for every situation and it helps it really does help the belt out a song when you feel frustrated or happy just music is so much a part of our life and hopefully now that we have some extra time on our hands and we have survived so much hopefully we can find Our Song
  13. SassyBetsy

    So what is everybody else doing?
  14. SassyBetsy

    California is on lockdown

    My daily AND Quarantine Routine... 7AM (Oh What a Beautiful Morning) toast and peanut butteragain 9AM (Acuna Mattatta..).watch lion king and nap 10AM...order Amazon goodies because as Jerry Herman advises ("We Neeeeeed a Little Christmasmmright now") Noon ......Call friend (Hello Dolly) 1PM cancel appointment(And I am Telling You I am Not Going) and engage in some therapeutic coloring 2PM...Little Anthony calls then..(And I think I,m Going Out Of My Head..)... then I pray( God Bless America) 5PM I watch the news and realize that Disney was right( It's a Small World After All) 6pm... while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... I watch TV and think that Korn had it right( It's So Unfair) Later I watch Steven Colber because to me he is ( The Music of the Night)
  15. SassyBetsy

    Sue what a beautiful visual imagery. I think I will read this often. Thank you for sharing your secret garden with us. I am proud to be one of your visitors. And these little walks really to bring the spirit into a better place and lets us Escape our physical room for a little while just for a little bit but it can really make a difference. I used to do this whenever I was uncomfortable such as in a dentist chair getting work done or even when I had to go through things with my divorce that's it too painful. It really helps to be in touch with our visual imagery. I'm not real sure that they've done any conclusive evidence that it makes a huge difference but I know for me it does work and I am happy to know that for someone else it does to thank you see you there
  16. SassyBetsy

    Thank you my sisters for your comments and prayers and love. Oh yes we have managed to laugh about this quite a few times with one comment that I was trying to get extra presents LOL but what my son did was he went down and got dinner on Christmas Day at the hospital cafeteria for himself and then he brought it up to the room where I was at eating my special healthy diet and we were able to have our Christmas dinner together and that was making a special moments that we will always remember in a good way. But on the other hand there has been Fallout as well. I asked my son why we when we went out did we just drive around a little bit in the car and then return home I said are you afraid to take me out now but he said no and I just get the sense that maybe he is afraid at least until I get the rest of my heart surgery. That would be this week and on Tuesday I will get the rest of the stents. I I am amazed at the technology that we have today because I know that my parents would not have survived the heart attack that I had because today we have so much knowledge in practice in medicine. Yes AshaI never really thought about the pain of a heart attack I mean you see the person in the movies clutch their chest and then fall to the ground and clutch their chest and say it hurts it's kind of like explaining childbirth to someone. But yes I would say that I was so at peace when I had my stroke and I knew what was happening and I knew what it was going to mean in my family and my life and my career and all of my hopes and dreams I knew what it was going to be while it was happening and I just didn't want to die and I just held on and prayed map to take me from my children yet but this time it was so different the pain was such an intensity and I was truly suffering but now that I know what's going on with all of that I am just so amazed and there is no explanation about why stroke doesn't hurt worse than it does It's okay though I have put it all in God's hands now but I thank you for so many years a friendship. With so many of these stroke survivors I have found true camaraderie and he even felt family members to some that I have been able to confide in I have been truly blessed by your wisdom and comforted by your love. I will be thinking of all of you and channeling all of your Poise and Grace
  17. SassyBetsy

    Heart Attack Christmas Eve

    I was sitting in a movie theater watching a movie enjoying some popcorn with my son and all of a sudden I started feeling like I really needed to get my bra off eyebrow is way too tight then that pain radiates down my left shoulder and arm and even my hand and I thought something's not right here I just couldn't get a full breath even with that darn tight bra off and I did something which I never thought I do in my lifetime I leaned over and I asked my son if he could please unhook my bra because I needed to get it off. Mom is watching the movie I had to keep covering my eyes because it was like being in an IMAX theater those the side effects were just overwhelming and I was wondering am I having a heart attack or is this my vestibular system making it very difficult for me to enjoy watching a movie. So then after a few minutes I decided to got my son again and tell him that I just couldn't do this movie so I got back into the wheelchair and he rolled me to the bathroom because I always have to go to the bathroom. So while I was in the bathroom I made the decision that I better get this checked out. So as my son rolled me to the car I was saying honey I'm just not feeling good so when he got me fast and in the seat belt and he was behind the wheel I put my hand on his and I said I want you to stay very calm and listen to what I'm saying and not panic I need to go to the hospital because I think I'm having a heart attack. So I was okay in the car driving there but as soon as they got me out of the car and we're rolling me into the emergency room I was finding it very hard to catch my breath and it was very uncomfortable feeling and the pain that had just been kind of an a was now an intense pain and pressure and I knew I was having a heart attack and all I kept saying is please let me breathe please let me breathe and it kept asking me questions that I just couldn't answer my son was answering them for me so I was okay in the car driving there but as soon as they got me out of the car and we're rolling me into the emergency room I was finding it very hard to catch my breath and I just kept saying please let me breathe please let me breathe and I need oxygen I told the person over and over but she just kept asking questions and I couldn't answer them my mind was just focused on one thing I need to braid my son was answering the questions and I was so impatient and I think I said something that was kind of rude and my son does not like to see me behave that way why does have no filter and he just intervened and said I really think that she needs to have some oxygen and so then they took me right back to the bed and then the doctor came in and was asking some questions it was all moving so fast and people were coming at me hooking me up to things and that was overwhelming they were moving at lightning speed and I couldn't keep up with what they were saying but I was trying and I was really annoyed at everybody you were trying to save my life. He asked me to come over to the gurney from a wheelchair yeah I was super annoyed cuz they didn't have the little step stool and this is kind of sadly hilarious. So what was kind of weird was that the person kept saying that they were really not allowed to use the stepping stool for people like patience and then she said well really the staff is not even supposed to use those and so I just blurted out then why is it in the building? And of course my son started saying come on come on you can do it up in the bed up in the bed which was code for oh you better stop talking. So then I was able to get up in the bed and then it's all just sort of a whirlwind after that I ended up upstairs and of course and no I'm trying to do what they tell me but also I'm needing to go home so that I can maintain my bed at the nursing home. There's a big long waiting list so I have to go back and claim it as mine and start that clock ticking again. Oh. I was just getting the hang of being a stroke survivor and now I have to be a heart attack Survivor. But I'm so grateful that nothing happened on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day because my son stayed at my side and I didn't want him to be scarred I said never let this ruin your Christmas because just remember that it's a day to celebrate did I survived and if for some reason I had not made it then know that I was free not now I have another dilemma I need to get some stents so after they did the angioplasty they debated over whether or not I needed to have the bypass or the stent they decided that I'm not healthy enough to recover well from the bypass so they want to just do this dance and said that I'm more likely to you don't know. And I'm grateful because I don't know if I could have been okay with more pain on that level and I was so chicken so it's sort of a good-news-bad-news thing because I kind of need a bypass but all they can do is the skin distant is extremely risky as well but it's a lot less risk and the doctor said that the longevity prediction is the same. I have to be brave for my loved ones right I'm so scared right now and yet I'm just still so angry that I Christmas was ruined and it doesn't even seem real that all of my problems overwhelmed my body and I could be dying but again I have borrowed time again and I can still spend some more time with my son. But he said to me that we've been spending a lot of time together since Thanksgiving and even before that so that's all it's ever Borton is spending time with their loved ones. And I think of my daughter and remind myself that that's all settled. All I keep thinking is that I having a stroke I felt such peace I didn't have this thing xiety it's like with the heart attack I told him that I felt grief like I was grieving I was so painfully grieving and having such bad anxiety when I had my stroke I was just so peaceful and then I remembered how peaceful I was in the car telling my son to take me to the hospital and it seems like the real Panic came when I couldn't take my breath so maybe that's why. Time is wish you a very they Happy New Year and may you be blessed to spend time with those you love and thank you for the love and support I know I can always some in here God bless all of you.
  18. SassyBetsy

    Well I've been sitting here enjoying reading your blog. As usual I feel just like I can hear your voice and that you're just sitting across from me holding a teacup. I know what you mean about having interesting friends. Living in the nursing home I have had quite a few. And I still have some. And some I just love dearly and feel like I'm a part of their family. Like my roommate. So God bless you Sue for seeing people as people with significance and that they are still human beings who love who feel who try who enjoy. And I feel like you're my friend too Sue and I'm very grateful that over the years you always read my stupid logs that go on and on or at least you commented before you leave early LOL but I do appreciate that you've always had concern and compassion and I appreciate that very greatly. Sue you hear people and you see people and the world needs so many more like you you are a blessing to us all and I'm so very grateful that your operation was successful and that as you recover things are getting back to normal that's good to hear. You are a super Survivor now XXXXXXOOOOOO
  19. SassyBetsy

    Thank you Kelly mother to mother it meant a lot to me that you could understand I'm sorry too for the pain you go through because of similar but I hope that things go well for you this Christmas and perhaps some video chatting well close the miles. Yes it's been a difficult time physically and maybe it's because of all the medication I'm on that I just not responding like I would normally I would be crying a lot but I'm not now I guess maybe part of me just realizes it's out of my control and I just have to accept what is and again like a stroke survivor Knows Best take what my life is and find goodness and happiness in it. But thank you Kelly.
  20. SassyBetsy

    Thank you sue for sharing it means the world to me you'll never know. Oh well now you do. Yes I'm sure that pain is just pain no matter what causes or what the laws is it just hurts. But you're absolutely right we live without them and their families and the takeaway here is we learn to live without them. It's a gaping hole but sometimes I know that there's a temporary oh so very temporary Band-Aid that is on it and then I get so happy and then Whoop That Band-Aid ripped off and so it's like oh and again. Anyway but what I feel emotionally is nothing compared to what I suffer with physically so I'm just glad that with the emotional stuff I can put it on the back burner and have a happy life but physically that's what I have to work with is that there's no living with that easily as you will know and can join in this unfortunate Club. But thank you sue thank you just for taking a notice of it all and it was just me venting I guess there's really nothing to comment about it's just like you say it is what it is and I really hate that cliche but it just is. And I will say that this time I guess because I have so much happiness going on around me with the Christmas I'm not one of these people that all of those things going wrong around me it it can't take away my Christmas spirit and the joy that comes from all the Christmases friends sharing sayings + and all the joy that we give and have from just everybody around us some more closely tied in bonds than others. So yes you make an important point of letting me know that pain like this is also something to survive and live well anyway thank you for that Merry Christmas
  21. SassyBetsy

    Almost hurts too much to share

    I just feel like I have to get this off my chest or I'm going to burst. Right now I really need to get my spinal RFA and I'm having to ask the doctor to up my medication because it has been 4 months. I needed it scheduled at the 3-month Mark I can't go beyond that I've told them before. But they were trying to get me in again for the surgery which I have not been well I've had multiple sinus issues in fact I'm going to see a specialist for a second time and get a CT scan this week. That's something minor but it's caused me to have to take antibiotic I don't know if there's something that can improve my not getting so many sinus infections because I've certainly tried everything except to having my nasal cavity drilled bigger and I'm not really think I'm ready to even discuss this treatment. You know there's some the treatment she just might not want to do in life. So anyway I just don't know that I'm healthy enough to go through a surgery. I need to recover from all of the different things that have popped up this year such as my shortness of breath my excessive swelling they put me down as having congestive heart failure but no COPD thankfully but I have pulmonary hypertension which they say well they could do something to improve the blood flow to the lung if they decide that it becomes necessary to so I can't even think about all these things all I know is that I need to get in for a mammogram and all of the things that I needed to do or wanted to do in December is being overshadowed once again this is a horrible horrible demon pain. I mean I go from somebody who's smiling and playing bingo on the weekend to somebody that laying in bed or sitting in the chair and suffering trying not to move. It's all kinds of pain. There's the stinging the burning the stabbing and about any kind of medieval torture that's what's going on on my leg. But I did go out on Thanksgiving with my son. I had a wonderful day. We like to play video game. We went to a buffet and we not only had turkey but we enjoyed Lobster as well. My son let me order something and so I was really happy and look forward to getting it for Christmas as he is always very generous and grants my wishes and then some. I only wish that I could do the same for him but I guess I did do a lot of that for a long time. But it was just so good to see him and to experience the love he has for me and to feel the love I have for him and we're not shy about expressing and saying it. But as I write this I'm crying because you see that day that Thanksgiving day that I was so thankful for reconnecting with my daughter something just Dreadful happened. When I call the number I got a recording that said it had been disconnected and was no longer in service. So I called her boyfriend's number and it said that I was blocked. So Panda King I immediately opened up the Google Drive where she had sent me many pictures the saying that it was too many to email that this was a better place to look at the pictures and it was gone it wasn't on Google Drive anymore. I guess I was blocked as a user. I mean she just erased me out of her life again. I've gone over and over and over what I ever said to her and I always said how much I missed and loved how many times I wanted to apologize for anything I did and she kept saying that it wasn't about me I hadn't done anything and she acted like I had nothing to be sorry for and what I asked and why she kept saying that it had to do with her. I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. To tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talk to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about I need one because there wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him off and on I just felt like she didn't give me much attention during our conversation. But anyway it seems like she wanted to make sure that I knew about the other grandmas in the family her boyfriend's mother and the baby father's mother that my grandson has stayed with which made me feel like an utter failure. But it also hurt me because I felt like she had never brought him around to meet me and visit I could have met her out in the community somewhere even at one of my Hospital appointment we could have gone out and I just don't understand why she never brought him around me that I was somehow those terrible mother that didn't deserve to have contact with the child. But we also talked about how she went and thought out her absent father that since he left when she was a baby she never knew. And I said well I hope that you don't allow your child around a man who was not legally allowed to raise his own children. And she says oh no oh no. It kind of felt like a betrayal but yet I told her that I understand that she wanted to see it for herself and see if she did she said. But I don't know what to believe about anything she ever said during any of those conversations because on Thanksgiving morning when I went to call her I couldn't reach her I couldn't reach the boyfriend and I've been blocked from the pictures. So my best friend trying to cheer me and give me hope said maybe it had to do with the phone service maybe she didn't pay the bill maybe this maybe that but it all comes down to know I was certainly intentionally blocked I kept telling her how proud I was of her and the life that she put together for herself. to tell you the truth I am forgotten how many times I talked to her I could go back and count them though I remember and what we talked about any John because they wasn't that many. And I always kind of felt that because her boyfriend was around and she was talking to him and I didn't feel like I got the attention during the call. And then she told me how she went and looked up her absentee father but since he had left when she was an infant she never knew. I said well I certainly hope that she wasn't having that child around him because he was not legally allowed to raise his own children. She assured me she wasn't but it did feel like a betrayal but I tried to understand her need to see it for herself. All of that was so unimportant I just was so happy hearing her voice. I always hoped I would hear it again but I didn't know what to hope for. But then I found out she had been close to me a few times when she came to visit friends and I just ask her why didn't she come see me the baby to see me and she just cut me off and said well the priority was for the baby. As if a nursing home or something that was going to be a bad thing on a baby. But I did find out that and it appears to be at a boyfriends house and she met the boyfriend because the mother was there at the hospital when the young man had a lung transplant and so she was offered a place to come live out of the Ronald McDonald House and that was a few years ago and she's been there and then the man tells the part of his family she's not married but I want to she says. But when I was talking to her I caught her in quite a few lies about things she kept saying how she loved the baby's father so much and had to work it out that taking a nice parenting plan Etc. But as I recall she said she did not love the baby's father and that the baby was an accident but she was going to have the baby and she couldn't decide whether she was going to give him up for adoption or not but then of course when he had congenital problems that needed surgeries that was off the table and it was too late for an abortion so there she was with a sick baby and nobody to help her so the baby's father has done a good job of taking care of the baby in fact I think that he has custody of the baby because most of the pictures were taken it seems not by her and she was in hardly any of them anyway the parenting plan of the future will be that he gets the boy when it comes time for school and I said well where is he now and she said with his dad though she hadn't had him at all this year because she's been sick she said and she kept telling me what the doctor was looking for apparently she was having a hard time getting the doctor to do an MRI because of symptoms she was giving him and she just kept saying different things about how she was sick and I said well what you're talkin about is usually fatal it has to be treated is this what you're talking about and it's like she just kept wanting to make me afraid that she was dying and I kept saying well go to the doctor find out exactly what it is because a lot of things mimic things so you've got to go to a specialist and get diagnosed don't just look on the computer and think your doctor has to go looking for this it was the strangest thing. I mean I've never talked to her about my breast cancer scare but believe me I wanted people telling me so it's going to be fine it's nothing I mean I wanted them to flat out lie to my face I wanted that hope. so it was very strange that my daughter kept talking about how she had this life-threatening illness probably and that she would most likely have to get on disability and I said you're only 27 get to a good specialist and I'm sure that you're not going to have to be on disability. well she told me how awful working was on her body and I just got this feeling. She wanted to get disability like her boyfriend who was indeed quite ill but doing okay at this time. well I asked if they were going to get married because I worried that would the mother still allow her to live there if the worst happens and he passed away I mean the mother may be happy that her son is happy but maybe the mother didn't expect him to survive or something. but I didn't say any of that I held my tongue of course those are the ranting fears of a mother at midnight. anyway I just praised her and encouraged her to have hope go check out the doctors and please keep me up to date and she asked me about my health but she didn't really want to listen to me go on about it. she never tried to talk about anything except a few things on her agenda tell me that she's probably dying the way that she looked up the deadbeat share pictures that the boys being taken care of the father because she's too sick to take care of him and all I did was support her and she led me to believe that she was happy talking to me and that she wanted to be informed about things. I guess I didn't talk about the things she wanted to talk about she asked me if my son is still around me and I said well yes and she answered well of course. so they had a falling out which she holds me responsible for but I just waited for her to say something else I didn't want to get into an argument. so she told me that she was going to be cooking on Thanksgiving and then going to her boyfriend's family later in the evening to eat and I said well sounds like you're going to be busy if I don't get a chance to talk to you before tomorrow then I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving she sounded very happy. and then I go to call the number like she knew I would of course I would of course I would contact my family member on Thanksgiving who's my daughter who whom I've been very close to during her teenage years and only after the stroke things were so horrible. But that's probably wishful thinking and if my son's any indication the problems go way back. In fact my adult son as always use the phrase doesn't she remind you of someone. Yes I put up with that peekaboo Behavior from the deadbeat finally figured out that the only reason he returned was that he delighted in looking at the Fallout. he like to be told how much he was missed and how important he was and how much everybody cried and how we felt because he wasn't there at some important holiday. but he was not remorseful for choosing not to be there he would blame it of course on me with some ridiculous story that my adult son has thoroughly quizzed him about all these things and my son has decided that the man is nuts and I'm remorseful. He's very anti-social believe me it's hard to lose take legal custody away unless they must so I had physical and legal and so he looks at it now that the children were taken away from him like he had no hand in it. but the courts had said he could go to supervised division again hoping to somehow reunite the children with their father. But he never did it he uses the excuse that he was out of state and that he just wanted to take his kids out of state. I think the court had a pretty good idea that if those kids left the state I would never see them again. I saved those children I raised those children I love those children nearby children and yet they are still his in a way he does not deserve my son says he likes the way things turned out they turned out the way they were supposed to and he's talked to his father over 10 years he listens but he tells me Mom he's never been interested in getting to know me he just talks about you and I said yes I am going to be the only senior citizen in the nursing home that probably still needs a restraining order. I never was in a support group for single mothers I was a good role model and I was proud of who I was and I worked like crazy and I put them around other family members that loved us and friends that cluded Us and Them. they never wanted for anything well I mean they wanted thing what kid doesn't drive their mother and saying about wanting thin.gs.. it's good that my son he worked for his first car but not my daughter I helped her out.. and yet she's jealous of him. my friend says don't feel insecure as a mother and I said no what's done is done dealing with stroke problems not parenting problems but I sure didn't need a broken heart right now. first time is always protected me and never passed on anything that we're in his communication with it father. only the beginning I asked and then I said no don't tell me. he said no he would not do that to me and he said don't worry about all his word vomit. well my daughter was not as kind. and so I was dealing with all of those emotions so old and dead and unnecessary. I had a professional career and it was cut down because of a stroke he was old news. Anyway it looks like my daughter enjoys his tricks. so my very best friend says to me will don't judge her you don't know what's going on. And I said look I am judging her but I didn't say anything that was judging her but I'm trying to find out who she is now because I don't recognize her and I came to the conclusion that I was proud of her and the conversations were nice I tried to be supportive when she said that she thought that she had something that might be terminal you know I just I acknowledge that could be real symptoms but maybe not something so Dreadful I was not judging her until I got that phone message and then I was like I've been played for a fool she does not love me she is not miss me and I'm kidding myself and my friend couldn't see that that was killing me. always wanted to be accepted by her mother and all she heard and me was that I was being judgmental I don't know perhaps we all hear what we want to hear and so that's why I'll never understand what went on all I know is that daughter disappeared again cast of focus on but I have one good child who cares about me and that's okay maybe after all this time my daughter will find what sea name I hope so but I can't be worried about it anymore and I guess it's obvious she can manipulate things and people and she's going to land on their feet and of course iiove her I want her to call me now. She punishes me for having a stroke, leaving her to fend for herself alone. She blames her brother for not helping her more. But he did. She quit her job. Anyway my happiness never lasts long.
  22. SassyBetsy

    So cool, I bet Christmas carol time is fun and family singalongs. Great accomplishments and no reading sheet music required. Wow! Never knew! Enjoy!! Great mind work.
  23. SassyBetsy

    Yes you will be ready again someday for another one. Yes we value our time spent with our elders.
  24. SassyBetsy

    Heart Felt Thanks, I am lucky

    How can a month be full of some of the saddest moment and the highest highs and show me where the gratefulness grows. Today I'm morning a very good friend of mine here in the nursing home that I met shortly after I arrived years ago. There were times when I thought that she was going to outlive me even though she was in her late 90s. It's a mystery that she did not reach a hundred I'm told but I'm not sure which number after 5 she reached but anyway there she was sitting at the table with the deck of cards I know I seen her before and she always was playing solitaire. Even in the dining room I would see you're playing solitaire waiting for her food or waiting to be taken somewhere. She never went anywhere without her cards. No I was too caught up in my problems with my leg but when they did get me on a good management plan I would go into the common room pretty often and see her there. One day she just called me over and safety want to play cards he talked clear and she seemed to have good vision and hearing and so when I found out how old she was later on I was surprised. But on that first day she taught me how to play double solitaire. I never heard of The Thing but not being a solitaire player I wasn't sure about any of it. But then other people were telling me that she taught her own way but that really wasn't how to play solitaire and of course I had a good laugh over that and that was just fine with me if I was playing my own way. So then as we got to know each other she sometimes didn't see so well but she was very hard of hearing in fact she needed to wear hearing aids to even hear it all and when they weren't in well we just played cards. Sometimes I'd order food and share it with her in the dining room and we were friends and played cards pretty often. But then as my leg pain would come back I would be in my room more and I wouldn't see her. And she'd come and see what the world was I doing in my room. And sometimes she would come to find out how she could get some more cards. When I first met her her cards were disappearing like crazy. And of course we would get them from the activities director here and pretty soon they said they couldn't give her any more cards. Well then I stopped at the store and I asked my friends and family to send cards and they did sometimes they were kind of cool cards to and then last Christmas my son went to Costco and bought a huge package of playing cards. He said don't give them to her all at once. And I gave her probably a pack of month they weren't disappearing so often and at least she knew that she could come down and asked me how to find some cards and I always had some. And if you could see the look on her face of relief Shear relief as if her very existence relied upon being able to play cards and I think it did. Well this past year I had to spend quite a bit of time in my room and they said well why didn't you just go out in a wheelchair not understanding that vestibular problems that come about as a result of an infection are related to stroke. Let me explain that a little bit more clear every time I had an infection in my body and at this time it was my leg from a lymphedema problem I would have all of my stroke deficits bombard me. Sometimes I would have such shaky hands and no coordination and other times I could barely be able to sit up straight I would just always keep going over to the side it seems like whatever my stroke deficit problems were or enhanced greatly. And nobody wants to leave the room like that. And I had a lot of pain. A leg infection in a leg that already has CPS is not anything anyone should have to live through. But I made it through and I think that I've grown accustomed now to have my legs wrapped but I didn't see your 4 month really it seem like when I was out there she wasn't it just worked out that way. And then when I did see her she says to me you've been away a long time where did you go. And when I explained to her where I was she nodded we exchange the I miss yous. I often wondered why she had never come down to my room but maybe it was harder for her to get around now to. But anyway we were back playing Solitaire again. But this time we were able to go outside and play by the fountain like we did before because she had had a number of fall because she would lean over to reach a card and so they didn't really want her out of their sight. She was also having to use oxygen and there wasn't an oxygen thing on her wheelchair so they would just set it next to her. She wasn't eating in the dining room anymore she was eating in the main common room by the nurse's station. Sometimes I stayed down there with her but when I discovered that they had put her on a pureed diet I couldn't in good conscience eat in front of her. I saw her face that she tasted the food and she just looked disgusted and said Bland. She only ate about 50% before and now she ate even less than that. She was somebody that had watched her weight closely because after all she was an Olympic silver medalist in Diving. She was also in the Canadian Air Force during World War II and taught women exercises during that time. She also spent a lifetime teaching exercises two women everywhere. She was truly inspirational. And here she was always in all the activities and you would just see her playing cards she loved to play cards. I was very lucky and I'm thankful that I met her and got to spend time with her. The other thing I'm very grateful for is that my daughter and I have reconnected and I've enjoyed seeing pictures of my grandson who has undergone surgeries to repair congenital problems and he's healthy and thriving. My daughter and I seriously can't remember why did we have problems that's what we said to each other and we laughed. In the long run all those things are so meaningless. The bigger loss outweighs those Petty things. I know she miss me and I know if I had never stopped reaching out she would have thought that I didn't love her anymore so I never did stop and one day she just saw it me on social media looking for her and she decided to contact me again. When you're a mother you forgive everything. You just love. But unconditional means. So I'm so lucky I'm so very very lucky they have both of my children now. Now I just pray that they would be able to work out their differences and heal . It all goes back and was about stroke stuff. It really threw everything off in our lives. But enough is enough and they just want to heal and be content. We're not guaranteed forever and we don't have time to lose. So I'm just very grateful for all of these things. I'm grateful that my lymphedema is controlled now and I'm actually wearing a pair of shoes again today Hallelujah! Anyway when I really think about it I could go on listing things to be grateful for that's not the problem the problem is truly remembering those things when I feel down or aggravated. So I'm glad that at least one month out of the year we take time to be thankful and from the thankfulness to be joyful. And this is a fun time of year to eat LOL I hope everybody here has a very wonderful Thanksgiving I know I'm grateful for this site and for all of you have been so supportive all these years and also forgiving that I am not always the listener that you are to me. Happy Thanksgiving!
  25. SassyBetsy

    Thanks
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