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Stroke Survivor - female
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Everything posted by SassyBetsy

  1. yes I remember her name. Well the sneaky PM thing. Obviously knew the remarks were going to hurt her. That coward. Too bad she did not save it but as a first response it must have been rotten. It takes diligence to watch over a site because some people are guests and you never knew who the nutball is. God Bless Linnie
  2. You are the cool Aunt your sensitive soul soaks up negative energy even when it is no big deal to others. Homesick is a real entity even if you only have a quiet room. Our space is like there is no place like home. Click the heels beam me up. I feel the energy in my chest like a burn and I am overwhelmed with energy adrenaline like I could run or scream and I cannot get the physical feeling to stop. I cannot will it to end. And my vision rolls. It is doubled. I cannot walk well like that. I cannot think. Then it just goes to crying oh boy I hate that. People are like why cry about it. It takes music rest movies distracting me from stress. I dislike any conflict. No one can understand my processing problems. I fall asleep on overload. I need to sleep so much too. fatigue is just my day. eat sleep shower sleep . go out then come back and sleep. You are strong independent and kind.The stroke stuff is real. We just wait it out. Accept that this is all ok because we are sensitive
  3. I was intubated for the MRI yesterday. I woke up with it in my throat. panicked. today my lip is all chewed up. hurts. I have a new eucalyptus lip balm that is cool. smooth.great. My voice is hoarse whisper. gravel. quiet. It hurts to talk? My throat feels like I am swallowing over lumps in my throat. I have been drinking hot stuff. tea. noodle soup. And cold stuff. Indulging in a diet dr.pepper. Some relief. But it is worse today. I told my nurse to contact doc for help but then tried to recall those home remedies. oh warm salt water. right. gonna do that. hoping for logenzes that numb. I cannot cough good since stroke but I have stuff coming up. This hurts. This is awful. Kept me up all night. very little sleep.) I am a baby now. Hugging teddy and just putting top coat on. watching movies.reading here Praying. unbelieveable this did a number on me. Is this normal. I had a spasm. stopped breathing. and was yelling. did I do something to myself?
  4. I agree it can be discouraging. I was told I would fully recover in 12 months by a fool and I did not. My vestibular therapist cautioned me that stroke recovery is slow. Then a neurologist said optimism is healthy but the reality is some brain damage cannot be reversed. So I go to therapy as much as my pain allows. I cannot work on things like balance when it hurts to stand. But I continue. LOL I am not one to do my homework unless I am held accountable...so I need to go. Plus I like to chat. The entire thing of my getting out helps me. Yes sometimes I need a break. That is ok. Then I go again. If it gets boring I complain. Usually I over do it. My leg hurts double from even small amount of exercise except after the spinal. So that frustrates us all. But I persevere. I bought new tanks and camis to wear too. I love the excuse to clean up go out or I get lazy and down. I need someone helping caring too. Some days I feel that downward let me sleep and cry and other days I am thankful I am alive eating a lemon bar. I am like a bipolar yoyo. This is hard. This is grief and pain and hope. I want my support group too. I missed it this month because of dentist. I need to talk to others in my shoes. You make me keep going. I say to both of us keep on going. Together we encourage and inspire complaining demanding venting. I do not want to miss out on life that is left. Yep this is really hard. And binge watching is NOt a wasted life lol just thinking how i worked and did kid stuff and never watched tv or movies and my son begged me to watch lord of rings after we saw first one. I now have time for movies. life is slower. But I am thankful for sight too. And enjoying life. I watch movies on my tiny phone with one eye and ear buds. It is like I am in that screen too.
  5. Always ask your neurologist. I am told mine is brain damage that I may get back over time and therapy or I may always live with. That answer told me to have hope but not overestimate what time and therapy can do. Now for me I went from constant dizzy just sitting there to now occasional or situational like patterns on floors walls. I can ride in a car and look out a window when before I closed my eyes and felt motion sick. So now I still have problems that will continue I believe meds and continued therapy helps. I have a vestibular therapist. I also have visual therapy. Anyway I think I am compensating more too. Yes it is too bad it continues. So see what I put up with when I walk too. no one knows the dizziness or the balance problems when they do not know me well. later they forget.
  6. I lost all balance. I could not sit up in bed. But slowly with therapy I went from months in a wheel chair to walkers and I can do cane but my vestibular probs still mean I do not do a cane alone. But I want to run again of course. Yes you are forunate. but that is the thing. some things for some and not others. You are a miracle. And glad you are doin well. Meeee tooo Tracy.
  7. ok I'm jealous now! Well you work hard so enjoy the best in life that makes you happy. I am glad things are looking bright. You are inspiration.
  8. oh yes earbuds rule!!!! yep jealous. anyway my advice is of course milk it. you actually need more than anyone can give. I know from experience. so for wife maybe giving her more literature about stroke stuff may help her know why and it can help you feel O told you So...but do not say so lol
  9. oh I probably need to say I go to a vestibular physical therapist and take meclizine for dizziness. zophran for nausea. I could not drive in a car before. now it is better. but not gone. prob never will heal. i use a patch on 1 eye sometimes and prisms in my glasses for my visual stuff. a tablet or phone is better than desk or laptop. closer is easier. I color with nose in book. so never give up. search for hope.
  10. I had brain stem deep middle brain stroke so they told me. I just had another MRI to take a look at my brain. Anyway I read your post and it could be ready my diary a bit. I was told I had vestibular problems which explained what was going on for me. And stroke is a grab bag of stuff and highly personalized. we are similar but not same. I am glad you have good family support. I think it is normal to lash out at those closest to us even though we regret ...first who else is around who will forgive and love unconditionally and try with everything to understand. That is what hurt me so much. I had no filter. now a tad better. But I was honest to a fault. I shared every thought. I was selfish. It was all about me. Well it had to be then because I was lost and looking just surviving after surviving. I had to protect them from me can I even imagine. Was it personality change or was it some awful coping going on that would end. Did anyone know. I was impatient rude just said my mind. I am still aware I need to be silent sometimes. I have to take time just stop. say nothing. I was comforted reading others had this too. I relaxed. I was still a nice good person. That was important. I knew I was still the Me I knew and wanted to be. only my behavior was Mrs Hyde sometimes. The problem still haunts me. When I get upset I lose my cool. I am feeling over stimulated and well my brain is damaged in that area so I had to heal and relearn basic social skills. No one worries to tell you what is in store. I was not warned. So I felt abnormal. Bad. But it is the brain. Not "me" so I had to and have to learn what to do when....and recognize triggers... and people....some are jealous thinking I have benefits...one said I do not need to worry about retirement now. As if I had a stroke as a retirement plan. No to mention I retired 20 years too soon. Ok seriously I could fill a note book with lists of insensitive "bossholian" thing people everyone friends family strangers professionals doctors caregivers religious. what is wrong with them? but they have no filter. it hurts surprises stuns belittles isolates enrages me. Then I realize .people. are not me. They do things say things and are things I can never believe. wow. When I worked I never was this vulnerable. I was not this marginalized. So I may be sensitive but these are real insults harmful wounding events. I need to protect myself. no other explanations. I find ignoring them is best best best because a fool that would think and say that cannot be reasoned with plus lacks empathy and judgment. I escape get away put time and distance there. They are not worth my trouble or inconvenience. I had to learn to physically cover my mouth when I run into someone looking for the last word or their explanations their way. I stop listening just look away detach. Then move on as if they do not exist. We have soft spots no one gets. And what seems irrational may be meaning full to another survivor. It helps me to post here for support. I go to a support group at my hospital. But here at 2am I can vent. And sometimes reading about others and sharing helps mee too. So no shame or shoulds here. In fact thank you for sharing.
  11. Thank you!! Your support really helps. Yes kinda OK to have useful pain for a change LOL Ummm not talking is really hard I have texted said I still cannot talk without strain pain and people are??????what is this once again something unusual goes on yes 2% is good Ha and using the magic2% with the lidocaine gives me 4% lol well helps funny they say it not here. I say frig. I need to put up a sign Friend telling me to go live on my own so THAT conversation again. I look ok but not. And talking about how I cannot do for myself is not as much fun for me as for some. Yes mystery MRI but the awful thing is that now thinking about a surgery like getting electrode is super scary. not the throat thing. the not breathing thing. what if the next time I not pop back.😱 And the sleep apnea test coming up. I could not deal with that mask thing on my face. How do you exhale? Can we practice first like for kids... I mean they said breathe deep..keep breathing but I think I held my breath because exhaling was like I was blowing the air out in the mask and no room for it. So what if I need the sleeping mask? Will I be able to exhale. Or what about next time getting anesthesia....😴 maybe hit me up with the IV sedation before you suffocate me by too much air thing. 😤 And I will get refills on Magic.... Yes and I feel stupid I could not just get in there. But I cannot.🤤
  12. Update My doc at hospital ordered me "magic mouthewash" it is mixture of benadryl lidocain mylanta cherry flavor swish gargle spit or swallow instant relief no more heartburn feeling or feeling I swallowing lumpy marbles no pain Magic indeed and the pharmacy delivered pronto this was wonderful because the doc here ordered lydicain 4%.pharmacy said will deliver on Wednesday omylordy who can wait I pleaded with nursing to call ask why they shrug pass it endorse it along and then after The groggy that lingered passed then one night I called asked wth and reply was that 4% needed special order 2% was stocked ohhauh ....so I asked the nice man to call the nurses to get a 2% order for me bcuz that may get here b4 magic does. so nurse came to tell me that unfortunately pharmacy can only provide 2%. I said to nurse whodatink called em. so on monday both products got here helps.
  13. Thank you paul. Yes we can endure thanks to our loving God I believe. Some just do not understand what pain is. Everyone has a pain or problem each is important and meaningful I hope you do find help and comfort.
  14. $"I had an MRI with anesthesia today. That made me a freak. Why?? Because I already tried multiple times to just do it. No amount of coaxing encouraging bribing threatening or blindfolds or sedatives can get me in The Tube. So I am fan of The Open one. But my neuro wants my brain on print with some new better latest their own machine. Regardless that I have CDs of my stroke brain that were taken in another hospital when I was heavily sedated by a convincing shot. SO I needed another MRI of another body part but that doc would not sign on for a 2 for 1. He put in writing that going under for an MRI was intolerably invasive. I pleaded stating the brain one was happening so let me get it all done. No. And when a doc has spoken..... So today I went under for the first time. I did everything they told me to prep an arrived early. So then I told the nurse about my painful leg. And I went in my chair in case I was too sick to walk. And I brought a change of clothes with the kit. The kit is my scented wipes and pull ups. I also have pads. But today pull ups. And since I am not considered incontinent by the home then I do not get their wipes. So I have been granted them by benevolent staff or by staff in charge of helping me with accidents and do not want to get basin of soapy washcloths. So I have a proper stash. And I brought my tote with supplies a girl may need for an MRI including a bag for my new shoes. And they took my stuff to a locker. And soon they loaded me on a guerney. I had to do it alone with a step stool so I did not hurt my leg. And then someone came out of no where and plopped a warm blanket down on my leg. ohhhhNNNooooo! It was past time for my oxycodone so I hurt. But the nurse was so concerned when she reported to the doctor that 6 hours ago I had oxymorphone then an oxycodone. Yes I explained to the doc...I am on a regimen that must be followed and substitutions do not work. So can I get my meds now? They gave me a something pain in anesthesia but then they were holding that mask on me. I took deep breaths as told but I could not fully exhate in that contraption. WaitWait I cannot breathe...oh just take deep breathes thats it good....Are they kidding? I squirmed wiggled trying to exhale. I never imagined death by not being able to exhale. It was surreal. But I breathed deeply praying to just go out so they could place the tube in...lets just do this .....what happened to the counting thing.....here I was panicked and suffocating. Did I mention this is a busy teaching hospital world renowned. So hey just down to business. No impressive cheerful comedian doc I have come to expect. No this was nurses and techs. The reassuring matronly anestheologist had promised she spoke to my doctor and I could get my pills later in recovery but not yet. I was relieved. So when I woke up I would get my meds and not be too off schedule. But right then I was in dire pain. My leg burned like my skin was peeled off or it was a log in the fireplace. So I just went along...soon just not conscious. Then suddely I opened my eyes to blinding light. the silouette of a few people hovered over me. But I could not breathe because something was in my throat choking me so I grabbed for it but someone pulled my arm held it I was yelling scereaming suffocating wriggling around. Then someone said there she's awake...then sternly to me to let them take it out. Ohhhh!Right!!!The Too Invasive MRI. OMG. Breathing air again. But my throat burned and my voice was weak and hoarse. It hurt to moan. They were wheeling me all over. Then when we stopped and they took the oxygen mask off I said to someone in a hairnet with her purse on her shoulder...What Happened To Me? She was talking and I interrupted. I do that. But this time I could not think and I was kinda upset no one was more concerned that I had panicked. So...apparently I had some bronchial spasm stopped breathing and they had to puff me some air to jump start me back again. So it is normal. I was ok. So I was busy begging for meds while the nursed processed my discharge. I said the doc promised. But no order.I demaned she be called. Call the pain team I demanded urgently rattling the cage I was in. Oh wait I was being discharged so then I could take my meds in my purse. Where was my driver. They had changed the time...by the time he arrived I was short of breath with chest pains and getting an EKG. OMG. Then the nice anesthesia doc came in ordered meds kindly understanding why my leg was uncovered and that now I was Mrs. Hyde. But the kind of sarcastic teentype nurse said some glitch now cannot open med cart because the order went upstairs some explanation that sent me screaming take me downstairs and hand me my purse. Oh the driver had left and they were still on hold when the nurs3 brought my meds finally. I waited left alone then I answered my phone and a familiar driver's voice announced he was down stairs. ok I said happily stay there wait I will be right down. So I flagged someone to get the nurses and the nurse came over with my chair and two others came over to assist me. There was a huge wet spot on the bed. Did I pee in my sleep or in my panic. I was prepared so it was only slight delay and I chose to go home in a hospital gown because I could not stand anything on that leg. So can I even consider a surgery? But this pain is tiresome. But maybe I am better off as I am now.Things to consider later. But chicken soup tastes like the best meal in the world. It is small things. Fireworks last night with friends here. In the recovery room my pain was devalued. The nurses were sarcastic saying So this IS the worst pain of your life, when I said the pain was a 10. So today right now this pain needs immediate attention. I could not move without pain relief. Tears streamed down my face and they were just trying to ignore me like I was some hysterical case. I really wish this problem could be addressed in a lifet4ime movie. Discovery chanel or a public television special. I want someone who says they saw it on tv and know how hard it is to live with. And then I may not be an alien.
  15. They intubated me just in case. I am on so many pain meds. Breathing was the issue. And then I did stop breathing. They started me again and said it was spasms. So now I got a magic mouthwash. It has lidocain benadryl and mylanta in it. Plus some lidocain gel numbs it. my voice is still messed up. I can eat better now. Also a nurse bought me some lozenges. Really kind.
  16. yes and screaming while intubated is not recommended. OMG I really forgot about ice cream. How?? Ok so that is future plan. Becky I had anesthesia. I am claustrophobic.🌡🌞⛲stay cool this weekend guys and dolls!
  17. So I kinda eat the same foods every day. I do eggs in the morning only once in a while. fried well done. I get them on my noon salad usually daily with tomatos cucumbers and hopefully blue cheese. or any kind of dressing is fine. I love salads. But here they are served with yucky processed meat ham or turkey that I scoop off. Ew! And I need more protein so I will eat hopefully whatever the entree will be. I avoid the artificial mashed potatoes that are not like the boxes I bought. I will eat a baked or scalloped. I love any kind of rice. So I only do a couple table spoons of the starches.But even they are necessary for good nutrition. I love squashes and every veggie but they overcook most and so I pick and choose and pass. So I rarely do their plate. I like my salad. I love cold cereal. any kind. ok ALL kinds. Now it perplexes me that while they over cook most food, they undercook an egg. So I say burn my toast and make my egg crisp. Then it comes toasted and egg perfect. So I learned if I want A hot breakfast and not my usual fruit plate and plain bagel with coffee, Then I order it special early and then the cna brings it and it is not on a cart. I rarely eat a full fruit plate. I get it for the fruit that is not melons. so that is a handful of pineapple or strawberries or grapes. Anyway I make sure it is a handful only. I will have an orange as a snack at night sometimes. That is a treat. The dinner is my smallest meal. If it is not spaghetti or fish then I pass. I will eat peanut butter sometimes with crackers... So I try to do ratio of more salad and veg....handful fruit daily...handful of protein when I like it. So dull but peppered in are the best darn desserts in the worldOh I pass on the creative pear dishes,.pears with jello sprinkled on them...chocolate sauce whipped cream on canned pears is just immoral criminal and should be banned and punished. But I mean the cheese cake.cake with icing. brownies. cookies of any kind. Yes they serve me. and I indulge in a half portion they serve once in a while. So this is working so far. I mean let me eat. all other pleasures are gone. My body really is enemy. And food here is yucky but some is great. If I do the handful only then my numbers stay good. I use novolog as meal coverage with lantus as long term. The juggled me on thisnthat..but this combo dances well to my music. Ok so I freaked out. shots. seriously. But I hated finger testing. At least thankful for my numbish hand right but it can zingzang feeling weird. so luckily me smart son went hunting online and found the smaller guages....My personal lancets are multicolored and good for kids...and me. They are 33 guage and seem to be thin enough to avoid the nerves. I control the depth the lancet goes..usually also use my own pen tops.not theirs. Mine are shorter and thinner. 32 4. Very nice. So I can do this. I was hating it unable to do myself and then son found these. No one else cared or looked or suggested. So Now You Know. Hopefully it helps. Unless you are stronger than me. But this changed the dreading checks and shots all day. And I eat well. I do fastfood once a month. splurge. usually chicken nuggets and tacos. Ok so about honestly sneaking candy. of course. it happends. ohhh the guilt. Good and Plenty candies. those old school things. to die for. literally. I do that at times. sometimes a chocolate but not often. I need to avoid salt so chips is what i really want. so not half the bag. only handful once in blue moon, it shows if i cheat. so hope it helps. just need to fin t.d a happy way to live log term with it. You can have anything if you balance it out.)! And get the diabetic shoes. I got extremely light athletic shoes. I picked my colors too. My shoes are blue,teal,and mint. I bought mint and teal tanks and camis wear them under clothes so i match. I bought a mint colored terry sweatshirt I wear going out when in A C. I love my new colors I wear. Friend sent me matching nail polish I have not tried. But the shoe program is great. VA gets more too. So hoprefully this helps. So what do you do?? Maybe you have ideas because I need to cut down breads.
  18. I went through over a year trying on different meds. opioid. SSRI.SNRI. and different methods.pills. patches. Sides gone wild. or not enough relief. NOW I take oxycodone, oxymorphone,and lyrica. I do probiotics,vitamins and minerals, and herbal teas. I wish I was not on strong stuff. But that gives me days of coloring and watching movies and seeing visitors. Drugs are not enough for me. So I get RFA.I have had great results. But not for long. So I am considering a trial of spinal stimulation. And getting an electrode. It can be removed I am told. I need more info. Or I may use pump...my doc says bathing the nerves in drugs will not help..so I want to talk with doctors who use a med pump In the meantime I am fed up with number scales that make me feel like a wuss. This honestly hurts. So no shame in any trials you decide in your search for comfort. Cymbalta made me feel weird so look how it is different for different people. I have experienced an increase over time. This is so rare no one knows about what we deal with. And even in hospital they did not get it.
  19. Yes others have a way of deciding we can do things without the facts. I had a stroke 4 years ago and I have this foggy feeling but I am on meds too. So I just ignore lots of silly things that used to bother me. Some people can be ridiculous or just mean. Just be you. No explanations. Because you are great just as you are.
  20. Hope your ablation is successful,your recovery easy peasy.
  21. New Gifts

    ok, so the pain hits at 5pm on time like a train. spasms too. so they give me the world's tiniest pill with the world's largest pill. That is my oxycodone paired with my glucophage. simply because it is before dinner and the nurse already must visit me twice in an hour. twice a day even because an hour after oxycode comes the oxymorphone. Can this be spaced out a bit. Well in between comes lyrica at 2 and 10pm. but the 10pm actually comes at 8 with my bedtime insulin because I am freakkin wirh pain these days because a RFA is the real pain killer or perhaps the spinal drugs. Even they do not know. Is it electricity or it is pickling nerve spaces in drugs. But certain is that pretty pinkish...and the 3 pills are varying lipstick shades of pinky.orangish. kinda orchidytigerly brownish capsule. BUTthese in a timed daily regime cocktail only gives me a faint edge off screaming about the levels of pain I feel. Which aggrivates people who come running not because I a fellow hurt and not becauae I may wake napping neighbor BUTthat a state supervisor here for sweeps may hear me and pop out the timer on his cell while appearing to read a text for dinner plans and slowly answer But he really notates the response to scream time.Well I know that they ask people in the business office and physical therapists to answer the call lights only to turn them off. This is tricky they pop in and say may I help you Mother. I was here a while before I realized this was not an insult. They call everyone here Mother or Uncle out of Respect. So then I say have we met? I make small talk and then ask for whatever. And by then sometimes forgot...but they reply: I'll tell your CNA. By now my call light has been off an hour and I am engaged and not more needs with more call lights. So..this year I play a smarter game. I say I WAnt My CNA. That saves lots of time. No happy PR stunts for me. Ok so a really nasty annoying obnoxious nurse that I just refused to say anything bad about because she would end a sentence with you can have the supervisor take care of you. And I would say naw yall doin jes fine. And so she had to deal with it. She left today and we disagreed about my insulin as usual. But she gave me a bag of pretty hair bands clips and headbands and Bath soap and lotion from the best soapshop ever and included a mini tote bag to keep it in. I cried over the lovingly chosen personalized gifts that she told me she bought because she truly believed I would enjoy it and not because I was upset at her. Well I would not have pegged her as the type to bribe a hug and she caused me trouble again today and did not stop by to say goodbye. I showed it to others and they said oh so nice. Ok so yes it is nice to hear that she truly enjoyed taking care of me. But honestly I cannot say that she was best nurse. I never wrote her caught you caring. I looked forward to her days off. I cringed hearing her voice say my name to wake me if I fell asleep after being given my 6am then 7am pain pills. two things happen.I either get up in pain ask for hot morning drink to watch movies OR I am in bed passed out from the drugs then awakened suddenly out of sorts from a drug dream. like those vivid real ones. me exhausted. Saying no not ready to get up yet. Saying please do not ask me on the hour.let me sleep until my next dose unless you see me up assume I was not ready. No I am not lazy. Sometimes I was up until 5am pain dose because it felt like my leg was being cremated. NO she and I were never kindred spirits. We never shared That Laught That moment. I hardly knew her. See here I meet all sorts and a very few we share and I know it. What the heck is it to be given a gift from someone who says I know you are upset at me right now but I didnt want you to think I bought it because you were upset at me. Wait dont we do exactly that. And maybe wait for a better time. Maybe wait for the last day then. It felt incongruent to accept this gift. feel happiness.yet annoyance at her.the situation. In fact I almost did not accept it. My immediate reaction was Oh 0no you did Not. I shook my head. She says I can donate it if you dont want it. I said No I am not going to be like that. I accept it and from what it means and I held out my arms. Her happy face showed me her sincerity. In a second she almost thought her kindness was refused. What kind of prideful fool dismisses such love. AND yet I am so happy she is gone. I will not miss her. I miss others like the one she replaced...and all I can feel is gratitude for the gesture...not really sure what it was. I feel guilt. Like I broke up with someone again who was not relieved like I was....or turned down scout cookies...no creepier. I feel like I uprooted flower beds I feel like I am happy a nurse is leaving after she gives me really thoughtfully picked out gifts. And that others know her sweetness but I am that..... well maybe I do not understand her compassion that she had for me or her experience. Do we know our effect upon or how they live right around us sometimes. I feel sad bad for not liking her not a bit. And I resent her even more. Some unreasonable wasteful part of me wanted to donate it even after I took it. But I like the stuff. Then I tried to give it away. Of course they not allowed to. But I even hate liking this summer lotion. expensive products. Yes and resent that she goes away to live a life and mine stops here. I think that way. jealous of visitors who come in with new purses. One lady at bingo heard me say I have not shopped for a purse in ages. She said I wonder what that would be like. I said not like before. We shared a wistful sigh. yes her bag looked worn. Truth is I bought one online last year. Not the same. not that mother daughter powerlunch or dinner because we did not have dates. Finding a purse was a high for me. I would use it feeling euphoric for a long long time still proud of it. For some shoes. not me. A bit. Purses marked my life. Tell me a time and I know what purse. My friend never used one. She feels nothing about such things. Ok so Mama said never look gift horse in the mouth...but what about the gift giver
  22. Thanks Scott for the honesty. Yes overstimulation. the problem .confusion. and yes my hold on that control slips. I try and educate but that is like teaching pet fish to waltz. So right. I do not need to apologize for making this on my needs my terms.
  23. When I get upset my voice rises. I do not notice but the people say Do not yell. Was I? Deep breath. I do not want to do that. If I feel upset I am prepared so I go slow and soft but when a thing usually yet another pharmacy problem then yep I raise my voice. This embarrasses me. I am not like this..well guess I am. So someone said the reason I do not get help is I yell. Ok sometimes I must call for help. Should I wait for help. I am squeeky wheel but I can be That. I am ashamed. What does it take. I must be aware all the time. This is horrible. I feel I must be quiet. But I am loud sometimes. I was quiet before. Just any medical thing wears me down.I just raise my voice explode. I am filterfree. omg.