I had one of those strange days today where nothing went as planned. I had to try the suit I had for Ray to wear to the wedding on him and thought that would just take half an hour or so. I had other plans for the rest of the day.

As soon as I took the suit jacket in I realized that it was not big enough for Ray. During his long hospital stay he has lost so much muscle and he now has a really round mid-section, adding about 10cms to his waist. He also has two frozen shoulders not one, as a result of one of the falls, so is unable to move his right arm in a full arc. He is also hunched over as he has been sitting bent over doing his puzzles. He seems to have forgotten how to sit up tall like a man usually does.

The suit didn’t fit and I had nothing at home bigger so I had to buy a second hand suit from our church's Op Shop several sizes bigger than he used to wear. This one is broad enough across the shoulders and fits over his tummy. It will hang open a bit but I can’t fix that. It is nothing like I wanted for him but as he is sitting in a wheelchair I doubt anyone will realize that it is a compromise.

Edie's sister came to the hospital and gave him a haircut. It is very modern (she mostly does kid’s haircuts) and he certainly looks different but tidier which is what was needed. While we were there Trev and I did some maneuvering around with him and Trev says he needs to go back to weight lifting as his Dad is much harder to lift now. I think we can work on that when Ray comes home as we will have more time with him than the therapists do.

I missed my ladies lunch today but managed to get there two hours late just before everyone left so I did get to talk to some of them. I also missed my visit to Mum this morning so will try for that tomorrow. I find I am so tired and the less I do the more tired I get. It is dealing with the emotions of all this, the losses Ray and I have experienced through this last stroke and grieving once more for the life that has gone. I’ve had a couple of crying spells the past few days and some nightmares too. I am hoping that is just the strain of it all.

The wedding plans are taking up a lot of all our times. I don’t have a lot to do with it but am a sounding board for Trevor who is getting overload from watching Edie being so focused on it. I admire her for what she is doing. Her Mum is not a well woman so the planning, ordering etc is all Edie’s to do. I just hope the weather is as good as it has been the past few days so they have a glorious morning for the service and are able to get a lot of lovely photos. I am grieving because I cannot do as much for them as I did for the other two.

Trev and I need to get a move on cleaning up the shed up the back so we can store furniture in it. If he and Edie are to move in here we will be merging two households and that is not going to be easy. I am a confessed packrat so I have kept so many soppy sentimental things and all those bits and pieces that will come in handy …one day…and that is going to take some sorting through. I make an attempt at it some days but never seem to get far.

Ray’s discharge has come back a day and is now next Monday (8th August). I hope the therapists’ work on his standing, getting in and out of bed etc as we see that as an area which could do with a lot more attention. I go on praying for the strength to take up the task once more.

I have just posted a reply on a thread recommending that the writer break a mass of problems down into some she can list and thereby make the problems either manageable or solvable and that is what I am trying to do myself. I wish I had a partner I could work with as I did in the early days or our marriage but I don’t. I now have to use my own judgment and if things go wrong take responsibility for that. It is not easy to do.

If love works miracles I should be due one any time now.

Sue.