adapting to the new situation
This weekend was a turning point in a way. On Fathers Day Ray had a visit from three people, Trev, Lucas and myself. We all came in the one car. As a present we brought Ray a thick shake which he was able to drink with some minor coughing and that was our celebration. We bought Lucas a kids meal and he ate that while Ray ate his lunch so I guess you could say we had a meal together. No big backyard barbecue, no family gathering, no little ones running around or bringing gifts for "dear Pa".
Trev, Edie, Lucas and I went to Hog's Breath cafe at night and celebrated Trev's first official Fathers Day. Shirley had been here Tuesday to Friday that week so I guess she thought that was enough and Steve and family didn't bother to get in touch at all, so I guess that branch of the family don't know how to cope or considers the relationship over now. How very sad if Ray is no longer considered Steve's Dad.
This week the Aged Care Assessment Team (part of the Department of Health) will ring me with care homes they think are suitable to meet Ray's needs. Unless you are self-funding you don't look for your own nursing home. We will have a contributing amount to pay based on our income and assets as we are unable to pay the full amount needed. Until that is organised we pay a higher daily rate. Just as well we saved for a rainy day because those storm clouds are rolling in. We will also pay for his medications and in most nursing homes other extras such as haircuts and podiatry, clothing labels, pharmacy goods and a whole lot of other things we take for granted in our own home environment.
I am not doing all this as stoically as I'd like. Mostly I can speak to people without crying but answer either flippantly or with tears when the serious subject of placement comes up. I don't want to do it but have to as even with Trev's help I cannot do around-the-clock two person assist care. It is the end of one journey and the beginning of another for Ray and I. I will no longer be the hands-on caregiver. I will still be a wife and life partner and carer, I will still be the good friend if that is all there is to be. I will just not have control of his care any more.
It is hard for me as a caregiver of twelve years to do this. Twelve years ago, on 3rd September 1999 with fear and trembling and wondering how I would ever cope, I brought Ray back home from Woy Woy Rehabilitation Unit. He had had the two major strokes in Bendigo, one on 19th April, another on the 10th of May and had so many things happen to him arising from that that it took six weeks there and another three months at Woy Woy to recover enough to come home. Then he had in-home rehab, OT, PT and speech therapy for the next twelve months - a long recovery but a successful one.
This time he has had 13 weeks in hospital and "slow rehab" and is really worse now than when he went in. I think this is because he has had maybe a slight heart attack as the man in the next bed a week after he went back into hospital on 9th August after the failed discharge talked about the fuss during the night when "they worked on him" so I would say that was either a seizure or a heart attack. No report to me about it so I'll never know.
Tomorrow I need to look at two more nursing homes with a view to placing him for respite and later into permanent care if my first two choices of care homes do not become available. It is a long process and I doubt I will be over it for a while yet. Financially it will mean we will use our savings, Ray's retirement fund and possibly some of mine so that is hard too. But whatever will be will be. I am glad I have been frugal and had the money put by to do it.
So mentally right now I am a mess. I never thought I would get to this point. I had hoped that Ray would be with me for the years ahead and one day, an old, old man, would succumb to death as we all do. It feels like failure, it feels like retribution, it feels like the death of a relationship. I know that is "over the top" but that is how it feels. And some of you, having been in this position or knowing you will one day be in this position know that too.
I want to thank you all for your prayers. I know we all prayed that Ray would be able to come home here again but honestly I know now that that is not to be. I just want to find him somewhere safe to live out his days, somewhere I can feel safe visiting him and hopefully somewhere the family will visit him also. At the moment I am not really hopeful of that.
Please continue to pray for us both, for courage and resolution for me and understanding of the situation for him and a good outcome for us both.
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