2011

January 3, 2011 7:15am cst

Like all people with family and new year is like a "new beginning". While I enjoyed all the family home from school and work I REALLY had my "list" together and I was ready to take it on at 7:45am when everyone was off. Well, you don't always get what you want.....

As I am feeding my 7 year old the phone rings...assuming it was my neighbor so we can continue our bus stop carpool routine I answered the phone with excitement and quite actually not looking at the caller id....

Fear is all I heard on the other end of the phone......my mother! Her voice was slurred as she was trying to tell me that she could not move and she was scared. I asked her if she called 911 but she just kept saying to come get her. Come and get her....she lives 30 minutes away, and what would I do? I told her to hang up the phone and I would call 911....

Well she did not hang up the phone, but dropped the phone so I tried to use my new android phone. And if anyone has been a convert from a blackberry to android....you understand it is just not easy. I kept calling 611. Finally I got a hold of 911 but suddenly I could not remember my mothers address. I could feel my chest caving in and felt I was failing and my mother would die because of my stupid phone....boy was I going to give Verizon a piece of my mind. Just then I just looked in wonder as my little baby girl just kept eating while trying to hold the tears in her eyes. My little one went upstairs to get her daddy. She said you must come downstairs that something was going on. What a beautiful brave little daughter I have.

I quickly told my husband with a quiver in my voice what was going on. I told my husband to go to work and that I will handle this. In the meantime I took my daughter to the bus stop and came home. My husband was on the phone with the paramedics and said my mother did seem to have a stroke and he was taking me to the hospital. To this day I so appreciate my husbands understanding my strange personality thinking I can handle all things and "life must go on".

While we were making the journey I called my brother who lives in Atlanta....no answer. Yet my phone rang and I knew it was the hopsital and yet I did not answer the phone.....probably becaused I feared that my mother had died and I was not ready to hear this. I already lost my father from a massive heart attack when he was 53 and I was not ready for my mother to die at 67.

In any case the community hospital had transferred her to a "top notch" stroke hospital. My mother was in ICU for 3 days. They did numerous tests and they did confirm she had a brain stem stroke. The Doctor came and spoke to us and said it was very mild. I looked at him in wonder....MILD...then why can't she move her right side. The Doctor said it may take a while but they did not catch the "good stroke parameters" in time. In Time???? What does this mean? Apparently my mother began feeling odd and could not move at midnight....she said she went back to bed but at some point she realized something was not right. In any case, mom fell off the couch and crawled to the phone to finally call....no not 911, but me. She later told me she thought is was probably just the flu and did not want the emergency crew to break down the door for fear of how much that would cost!

The hopsital stay was 8 days.....and actually a huge eye opener. I watched them move my mother with a big machine that lifted her to go to the bathroom. I watched in amazement but they told me she weighed 204!!! Obeese, they said! I have always been thin and knew that mom was overweight but Obese! Needless to say this is a sight I will always remember. She looked so sad and helpless.

Mom was moved to an Acute Rehabilitation for 30 days. I visited her everyday and it looked like she may regain some muscles on her right side...well there seemed as some improvement and we were encouraged and she was accepted via Medicare to go to a sub-accute for 100 days.

Must I say more.....Accute vs. sub-accute is totally different. OT/PT/ST is 5 days a week vs. 2 or 3 days a week in a sub-accute. In addition, we did not know what to expect. Mom was still paralyzed on her right side. Hope was getting low. They kept saying it will get better...unfortunately it did not. Mom never walked using a walker more than 10 steps, she fell out of bed numerous times, spasms kept getter worse, etc.

We were told that my mother, who celebrated her 68th birthday in the hospital, will need to be in an assisted living. MY MOTHER, who is extremely materialistic. Well it was devestating. She wanted to die because she could not go home. In 2 weeks I packed, gave, threw away as much as I could and off we went with whatever she could fit into her beautiful vintage 440 sqare foot home. She was mad. She kept asking for this and that. I felt extremely guilty but I had 2 weeks to get her things together for this stage of her life.

Well she adjusted but still in a wheelchair, lost 50 pounds yet being very young in an assisted living her spirits were a bit down. We kept encouraging her. She continued therapy until August when she told me it stopped. She signed a paper indicating Medicare would not pay anymore for therapy because she was not showing improvement. But how can that be....she could remember where a silly outfit was but could not walk 10 steps using a walker. Speaking of equipment....I bought 4 wheelchairs, 2 walkers, 10 pillow rumps for her and so many other accessories to help her. I wanted her to have the best but she could not use all of them. And as of today they are memories of yesterday or as I say to mom they are encouragements for tomorrow.

In August I started to getting the falling down calls. Because I am her POA the facility must call me. First it was once a week which turned into 2 times a day....we continued to go to the doctors...It seemed to all the doctors that mom would be paralyzed for the rest of her life and unfortunately there are times when MILD STROKES hit some people HARD. My Mother was one of those. I was to understand and realize that this was going to be her life and it may continue to get worse.

Here is where we are....the nurse called Tuesday and said mom is not right. I immediately call her neurologist who told me to get her to the hospital. They said she must have a blood infection...she is extremely disoriented....she is not remembering...she continues to fall and her vision is very blurry and her speech extremely slurred. They did a CT and MRI and said another stroke was not present yet my mother is just failing and just "not there". I have yet to get the results of the blood culture back. I am at a lost of words for my feelings and how she must be feeling. I know I am just rambling so I suppose that means I need a support group but my mother sounds like she is just losing her thoughts....she is too weak to go to dinner....she can't seem to see well.

I called tonight and asked how she felt. Although since she got out of the hospital on Thursday she is on a very strong anti-biotic due to a very bad UTI and blood infection, she said Mandi, I feel worse. "How? Tell me What you Feel?" She could not explain...she just said worse. I guess after this long blog....I wonder if anyone else has been in this situation? I don't know what to do? Am I just suppose to watch my mother slowly deteriate?

I need to know what else I can do. I am not an expert but I don't know what else to do. I don't know if others can share their experiences but I feel so alone and I know my mother feels much worse than myself. It is almost as if she can't seem to remember anything....I am not ready to give up hope and I try to stay positive but any response would be greatly appreciated and NEEDED.

PS - God Bless and I thank you for allowing me to vent.

PSS - I apologize in advance for any mis-spells or grammatical errors. Unfortunately, I don't have the patience or the will at this moment to proof read. I guess you realize I am trying to still maintain my sense of humor - Have to because I would pull my hair out right about now.