I had a bad time last night. A really long, hard cry and maybe it was just coming and needed to be done-get the stress out. But in bringing Leo to the bus stop, he reminded me that I had all of you.

Jen is on vacation, so Leo is filling in, but Leo does not work days or take Bruce to the pool. He is more than willing to take Bruce to work, but unless he has the day off from work and can get here at 8 am, we can't do that.

I am shuffling some major stuff: the truck is in the garage and needs the Catalytic Converter replaced, but our model Toyota has TWO Catalytic Converters! Lucky us. And there is no way visually of telling which one is defective. I trust our mechanic. He has been terrific in all of this, so we will be replacing both. Of course they are backed up due to the Nor'easter, so have had it for a week and a half, and yes I don't need it, but Bruce transfers better into it, so we do miss it.

From the August Hurricane, the Electrical Conduit to the house has to be replaced. Our dear Contractor Pete suggested this Electrican, who came last week to fix the blown circuit breaker that I caused by using a space heater and vaccuum in a section of the house that is not wired for it. But again, after getting an estimate and agreeing to have it done, we have the Nor'easter to deal with and of course, they are now backed up.

A tree went down in the back of the yard during the Nor'easter. Not an emergency except a limb is hanging and if it comes down, it will take our the neighbor's fence. These neighbors breed Rotweilers and need their yard and its fence. The limb hanging is a threat to the dogs, I know that. But there is not a tree service in CT that will put this at the top of their list. My Arborist, who just did the pruning, has 145 calls before me. My landscaper is willing to come this weekend and try to clean everything up. This is the kid who came with Pete last winter during my 30 inches of snow meltdown and will be doing our snow removal this winter and the landscaping next Spring with the trees now taken out and the lawn opened up. Kid has a heart of gold.

Before all of this, I had agreed to new Botox therapy for Bruce this month with a $600.00 co-pay. So I am shuffling some major financial issues and already am anxious. Bruce is supportive and knows what I am going through. I am just so trying to be calm. It all has to be done and yes, somehow I will figure it out.

In the meantime I am cleaning up the yard with the stuff that fell that I can manage and had to get up on a ladder and do the gutters. The funny part of all of this was Bruce was spotting me with the phone. Phone rang-it was a friend, who said why didn't he answer? I said he had 911 on hold and didn't dare do anything else until I got down off the ladder. Yes, I know what you all are going to say. But I have trouble finding any friend who can fit into their "busy" schedules to take me 10 minutes to pick up the truck, let alone take 40 minutes to clean my gutters. That is just life.

In the meantime, Mary Beth and I had words several weeks ago. She feels that if she needs me in an emergency, my first response will be I have to get Bruce situated first. Well, ya think? Its not like I can just get in the car and drive 2 hours away without taking care of his needs first. I made mention of my niece Melissa being able to handle Bruce-and she can and is willing. But I got "Melissa has nothing to do with this! We have spent the last 2 1/2 years catering to you and your needs. You need to do the same for us." Last night my Brittany e-mailed that she wanted me to call her daughter a certain name and was "uncomfortable" with "Izzy." Now, by itself, I am proud that she would share that with me. It is important and I appreciate her honesty, but I was a bit sensitive at that point.

In the meantime, Bruce and I are doing great. Of course he sensed my meltdown last night even tho I tried to get over it before I got into bed. Said, come on over honey, you feel cold. He has been so patient with the routine change, trying so hard with his incontinence. Has been totally continent the last week except at nap and overnight and the Doc advised that that may never change. He is so scared that I am going to get hurt with the yard-gutter stuff, tries to do more himself here. I know he misses his outings, but never complains. Yesterday called me down from the ladder, saying he wanted to get himself out of bed, but knew I would want to spot him. He transferred in sox-I know this is not good, but I held my breath, and stood by and he did it. I know if this continues, he will have to sleep in shoes and Leo and I discussed it; but can you believe that?

After my good and therapeutic cry, I got in bed, cuddled and woke up this morning feeling rested and at peace. I am still trying to sort all of this out emotionally. I am amazed that I am now capable of not over-reacting, can allow myself time to sort and process. I know in my heart, if Bruce thinks I am out of control, all the hard work we have put in to his recovery will reverse. He will not cause me any further stress.

I think all I need is a long distance hug and just a reminder of what is important. Debbie