There has been no health crisis this week for either Ray or Mum. Last week we thought we were going to lose Mum and at her age, 93, and in her state of health that is to be expected. I don't want her to leave suddenly, I know she won't live forever but I do love her heaps and she is an essential part of my life. I don't want to lose Ray either. I know that is a selfish attitude in a way but it is the way I feel right now.

I visited my Dad's grave today. I just do that from time to time. I know it is only his body there but the grave site is on a sloping hillside looking over a small lake, a sea inlet really, and a peaceful place to stay and pray for a while. My Dad was such a good man, kind, generous and always willing to give a hand to anyone in trouble. I will never stop missing him and the wonderful relationship we had. I'm frequently told people still remember him with respect and thankfulness for his kindness to them. He was a humble man and never wanted thanks and praise but people like him are rarer now than they once were. They are "salt of the earth" people.

Ray has settled down again since the course of antibiotics this time. He is still anaemic so needs a blood top-up and probably a course of iron tablets again. I think that might brighten him up a bit as he is still somewhat lethargic. His doctor is still keen to do a whole heap of tests to make him "better" I would prefer he was comfortable and well-looked after. He is getting used to the routine of the Nursing Home as I am so I know when Bingo, Pianola music, bus trips and concerts will brighten his day.

We had Trevor's 37th birthday celebrations with Ray last Sunday. Trev got there early and so was able to go to the Nursing Home kitchen and got Ray's lunch plated up and we had chicken and heaps of salads that Edie bought so had plenty to eat. We were so glad it did turn out a fine day after a week of rain so we were able to have a picnic in the park. Unfortunately our other son although he did say he was coming and bringing his family dropped out at the last minute. I think his denial of the changed relationship between his father, myself and his family, due to his father's illness and the strain that this is creating for him is going to be a problem to him in the later part of his life. We do try to keep the relationship open to him even when he chooses not to participate. Maybe further paturity will solve some of this.

I am learning to "zip the lip" when the new interchanges in my household become tense as they do from time to time. I think in the long run it is a good idea for Trev and family to move in with me but there are a lot of "gaps" where we do not see each other's point of view, which is probably a generational thing. I am enjoying the mornings with Lucas, we mostly have breakfast together out on the front veranda, and some mornings coffee with my daughter in law before she goes to work. It really is good to have conversation and laughter in our house. To the extent that our neighbour now asks: "What were you all laughing about last night?"

I find life okay some days but other days are overshadowed by memories and I still do some crying. I am treating it as grief, parting is indeed such sweet sorrow. I have Ray and yet I do not have the Ray I once knew. I am a wife with a husband estranged by illness. It is another stage in the stroke jourey and one I will some day get used to I am sure. I am still trying to get used to the separation, particularly at night when I would help him get ready and tuck him into bed. Just that feeling hat he was here with me made me feel secure.

Even though this is none of my making it is surprising how much guilt I seem to feel. Now I am not a partner, not a wife, I wonder how to get on with this part of my life? Friends say: "just keep busy" but that makes for a long day. I still spend three hours most day with Ray, and visit Mum and with Christmas coming I am busy ticket selling for Lions and doing extras for my church groups. But those nights kind of open back up Pandora's box and I have nightmares and toss and turn. I guess there are many others who do that too.

I think we do not choose our destiny, it chooses us.