When I went into the Nursing Home today I heard a voice say: "Hello Susie Q" and I took no notice. then an arm came around my shoulders and I turned around to see an old friend of Ray's from his early days in Lions. It was good to get a hug from an old friend.

When Ray joined our Lions Club he was the second Ray so the two Rays were known as Ray W and Ray T. Then a third Ray joined and he was also Ray T, so they called him R T2. The three of them then got known as R1, R2, and Ray became R3. Often the three Rays would work on the same projects so they all became good friends. R1 got kidney failure and moved closer to his children in Sydney as he needed dialysis, R2 went into another worthy club and dropped out of Lions and the history of R3 you know.

R2 was visiting a veteran as he is the welfare officer of the local Returned Soldiers league branch. He was in Vietnam himself in the late '60s and acts now as hospital visitor, welfare officer and liaison officer between older veterans and government departments who may be confusing them. Although it is a voluntary job it is almost full-time for him now which is why he dropped out of Lions. He said he thought he had seen my Ray on a previous visit but he had disappeared before he could verify that it really was him. Together we went to the dining room so he could have a short visit.

I am not sure my Ray knew who R2 was, he had the usual watchful look on his face and watched each of us as we talked of old times. R2 said he will come and visit again when he has more time. I escorted him back to the front door and he talked about our older son who rarely visits his Dad, he often sees Steve at funerals. R2 said maybe he doesn't have a lot of time (true) or maybe it could be because he doesn't want to get to know people he may one day have to carry out in a body bag. That could be one explanation I suppose - a kind of squeamishness. At least he has a good opinion of our son - he sees him as a "good bloke, doing a hard job".

My visit to Ray wasn't really a success today, maybe because of the visit from R2 who he didn't recognise, who seemed a bit familiar with his wife (he gave me a hug and kiss at the door), he wasn't really talking to me. It will be better tomorrow. I have gone past the stage of analyzing each visit, some are good, some are bad, some have no real impact on either of us, they are just a few hours spent together. In a lifetime it doesn't make a lot of difference.

Ray is changing slowly. I asked one of the nurses about the shaky way Ray is now at his evening meal. The first time I saw him shakily trying to get his spoon full of food to his mouth I had to walk outside to stop myself from crying. The shakiness is the side effect of the drug used to stop the seizures. There can be no change in the medication nor in its dosage if ray is to not have seizures. So it is a Catch 22, damned if you take it, damned if you don't.

When I asked the head nurse about Ray's condition she slowly lowered her hand level by level and said: "we can't stop the downward progress now." I understand that. I want to ask for a timeline but the answer is always the same: "How long is a piece of string?". I get the same sort of answer when I ask about Mum: "Who knows? Every case of Alzheimer's is different, there are so many different factors to take into account". Of course, i understand both answers, there is no telling when any of us will die. I just want to be there for them both for as long as I can.

I am trying to contact some of my friends from the past and catch up a bit. Of course many of my 1999 friends have moved on, changed jobs, changed phone numbers, in the case of older ones gone into care or died but I am having some success. If I keep the story of Ray's decline simple I don't get stunned silence and can ask: "And what has been happening to you?" and they are still there. It doesn't do to strongly state how hard it has been, just that it has been a while now.

All this is to make sure I don't neglect myself to the stage of collapsing when Ray or Mum goes. I need to have some things I can move forward into rather than go into a decline and remain attached to the past. I know there is no real way of lessening the impact but I want to know that there are people from my old life I can contact later if i want to, old friendships stiil there to renew. We all need to plan ahead if it is possible.

For now as always life is a holding pattern. I get up, have breakfast, go to see Mum, go to see Ray, come home, do housework etc. Some days I shop or visit a friend or go for a drive and sit and stare at the ocean for a while. Sometimes,like last Friday night I have to go back to the Nursing Home again because Ray has had another bad seizure, fortunately not that often. I know if I am needed they will call me as I've said "call me anytime".

It is not the ideal life, it is just life as I lived it today.