Today I went to the funeral of the man who almost turned 100. He would have been 100 on 9th October, he died on 15th July. How close was that? I went because he and his wife have been part of the "beer garden group" and we have been friends and supporters for as long as Ray has been at the nursing home. Not long in terms of nearly 100 years of living but a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Three of us wives of residents went to the funeral and then back to the nursing home. We were all a little downcast as one is after a funeral and so we laughed a little too shrilly trying to pick up our spirits again and one of the other families in the courtyard said: "Come on Mother, we will take you inside, it is far too noisy out here." I guess they didn't know what had happened, only being new to having someone in care, so they could not feel the pain we were trying to overcome. So often we judge others without having any idea of what they are going through.

It was BBQ day today. Ray cannot eat the sausage and the coleslaw and onions but I can give Ray fries if I pinch off the "heads and tails" and just give him the soft middles. He ate his pureed food and then had the top and tailed fries. Then the icecreams came around and I beheaded one and gave him that with a fork as no spoons had appeared. The nursing home is very short staffed this week due to staff being off with some of the viruses going around and so we were all doing what we could to make do with what was there. No sense in making waves when it is really nobody's fault.

Ray had a bad day yesterday, two seizures, one just after breakfast and another before lunch, I was just in time to see the second one. I hate seeing him looking like a decked fish, pale, sweaty and with his tongue hanging out. Gives me that scared feeling. I know that when he is shallow breathing it could be serious. I realise he is sometimes quite ill and needs a lot of nursing care, it is, after all, why he is in a nursing home. But he looks so vulnerable and I know that it wouldn't take much for him to lose his life. There is only seconds between one breath and the last. I want him to live, but I don't want him to live in pain or in a vegetative state.

The nurses have got bringing him out of the seizures down pat now and once he was conscious I sat him up so I could get him to take in some fluids that I fed him off a spoon, after that I was able to feed him some lunch. After lunch I could see he was very tired and laid him down again to sleep off the effects of the seizures. Bed rest does help and the nurses reported he was able to eat most of his evening meal.

I have another funeral to go to on Friday, again an old friend, this time from church originally although she also has been in the same nursing home as Ray. Winter is a time of funerals, nothing much I can do about that. I only go to those where I think I might be a comfort to someone. In some cases the families are self-sufficient and that is fine, in others they are not and the bereaved can often be left vulnerable. I know in the case of the family of the person whose funeral I attended today they will rally round, at least for a while.

I just got a call to ask if I will babysit my local three grandchildrne tomorrow night for a couple of hours. I don't see why not as I have not seen them for a few weeks. It will not be a problem to keep them busy for a couple of hours, especially if that includes food....lol. This is my son who works in the funeral business, I asked one of the workers where he was today and he said "driving the hearse around the place", I guess that just meant he was busy.

I was glad Ray was able to be out in the sun again today. He looked okay though he did actually fall sleep out in the sun in his wheelchair straight after lunch. The other women patted him on the shoulder as they wheeled their husbands back to their rooms. I guess they were feeling vulnerable too after burying someone they had become close to. It is good to have support, particularly from people who do understand, and if that develops into friendship that is an added bonus.

I might sound upbeat most of the time but I do have my blue days, my days of doubts and tears. I try to bounce back as quickly as I can. I find it easier when we can be out the sun again, sunlight is a great mood lifter. I forgive myself when I have those blue days .I am mostly optomistic, but we are all vulnerable and I am just human.