I finally got in to see Ray on Saturday. He is supposedly over the chest infection but is actually in a much weakened state and not communicating,not feeding himself (the nurse's aides help him when I am not there), not drinking unless someone else gives him the drink and was crying this morning, tears running down his cheeks and looking at me so pitifully but when I asked him was something wrong he shook his head. I will see the nursing staff tomorrow and report what I saw and see what they think is wrong.

I did the chat on Tuesday night (Wednesday morning my time) went out to lunch with my sister came home and was sick until Friday afternoon. Not something I ate though I did consider that but an ear, nose and throat virus. I wasn't sure what it was so threw a lot of over-the-counter type meds at it, stayed in bed for hours at a time to keep warm and eventually it got better. I really hate those 48 hour viruses. I didn't have it long enough to go to the doctor's and I got over it pretty quickly fortunately but it has left me feeling like something shook me and left me in a weakened state.

It was our 44th wedding anniversary on Friday and I had planned to take Ray a chinese omelette and some ice cream as a treat and that did not eventuate. So I stayed home feeling sorry for myself and I guess Ray was oblivious to what was happening as he no longer registers days, dates and times. I really miss the Ray of old, the quietly spoken man who could still make conversation and tell jokes up until a couple of years ago. This has been such a long journey with so many changes over the years. Now they seem to be accelerating.

Ray has gone down so much in the past three months or so. I just hope that he will regain some of what he has lost when the weather cheers up and we can go back to sitting out in the courtyard again. At the moment he is sitting in one of those large overstuffed armchairs on wheels as he is too weak to hold his head up. They are the devil to negotiate around the pathways outside so I hope he can go back to an ordinary wheelchair soon. I keep hoping that this will not be permanent, I know I should be optimistic but it is hard to be so looking at him as he was today.

To fill in time I have been reading again. I have a stack of Readers Digest condensed non-fiction books mainly biographies and find a lot of them inspiring. Reading about how a paraplegic made something of his life, or people with terrible burns who work through the pain, or even mothers caught in events beyond their control and fighting on for the sake of their children really makes me see that by comparison my troubles are small and insignificant.

I often wonder what the key to living a good life is. Is it everything going well and us floating through life without any cares? Or is it coming up to the adversities in life and overcoming them? I hear of people who react to adversity with a "woe is me" attitude and know that is one way of dealing with the problems you face in life, others remain cheerful while bravely battling against the odds in life and do not see their problems as insurmountable. What makes us one kind of person or another? Why do some see mud and some see stars? I wonder if a bad attitude can actually worsen a situation?

My next door neighbour asked me over to share dinner with him tonight. He is a good cook and the "Coq au vin" was wonderful. Ray and I used to go over about twice a year to dinner but I hadn't been invited since Ray has been in care. He usually asked us over when he had something on his mind and tonight it was the worsening condition of his ex-partner, mother of his daughter. It is a difficult one as he can hardly interfere as he has a new partner, she has a new partner etc, but his daughter comes to him for advice.

We discussed a lot of options and he said he would sort something out. I guess that is the best way to deal with this situation. He too is dealing with elderly parents both now somewhat fragile but again at a distance. No wonder they call us the "sandwich generation" caught as we are between caring for children and grandchildren in my case, and also caring for, or supervisiong the ongoing care in a nursing home situation of an elderly parent. There is no textbook written for our generation so we are all "winging it" with mixed results.

Mum had a fall on Thursday, I didn't get any details just that they had patched her up and she is okay. I'll go see her tomorrow. If she has black eyes etc I will ask for a more detailed explanation so we can all learn something from this. It is hard as although she needs a lifter she is still liable to move awkwardly, flail her arms around for instance, and I don't know at one stage whether they dropped her or she wriggled out of their grasp. Can't make a judgement call without further information.

Another one of my home communion people died last week. I can't go to the funeral as his body is being taken back to the country town in which he grew up for burial. I will contact his wife, express my condolences and let her know I will visit her soon. There is a lot of anticipatory sadness when you are involve with older people. I think I can handle it for now but if it becomes too much I will say so and bow out of that ministry. I love working with the young and the old in church but both have their stressful side and I need to avoid taking on extra stress.

Looking back it was a week I am glad is now over. Maybe I will spend as much time as I can this week watching the Olympics and look to that to inspire me.

Sue.