small steps
Entry posted by swilkinson
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I've had a bad week this week. Partly due to the huge changes to the block of land next door. The house was demolished over a month ago, now they are reshaping the land. Starting at 7am four mornings in a row, the digger roared into life and the resulting constant noise and dust really upset me. The digger dragged down what was left of my fence and took half of the garden with it. Too late afterwards for the machine operator to say: "oh sorry" and ot course no intention of doing anything about it either. With the fence gone my house feels exposed.
I know it is my old enemy "change" at work. I have tried to make my house my stronghold. Now the very fabric of that is being challenged. I have a house that is older than a lot of the houses on my street, so when I sell it chances are it will be demolished and what we call a McMansion will be build in it's place. Such a bad feeling, that what you have built up over many years is of no real value in the throw-away society we all live in.
I feel as if I am dragging myself around. I don't seem to want to do anything much. The garden is full of leaves as we have had strong winds and I don't even feel as if I want to rake leaves. I am doing some housework each day but mostly I am just moping around. I know it is because of the two deaths but that doesn't make a difference. The saying: "Christmas is a family time" is everywhere, what does that mean to the person without family, or people like me who have lost a big chunk of theirs?
I was set not to decorate this year but changed my mind as I will have the grandchildren here on Christmas Day evening. I tried to get the decorations down, found the small ladder, hauled them down but when I looked in the boxes I started crying. Mum's decorations and mine are in together now. So many have memories of Mum or Ray attached to them. So I just shut the lids and put them back up again.
I posted on this problem on Facebook and got a variety of replies. In the end I drove down to a local charity shop and bought a big bag of silver ornaments for a few dollars and they and some blue baubles I had never used are my tree decorations this year. They have no sentimental attachment at all so will not stir up old memories. Nothing is going up outside except the wreath on the door so I am almost done. At least I have made an effort. Maybe next year I will be stronger and be able to handle the memories or even enjoy doing so.
Today I sat and shared morning tea with the widows after church, they are about half of the congregation now.I don't always sit in the same spot, I have friends among all the groups in the congregation now and I like to catch up with them if I can. I am still not ready to go up in front and rejoin the Sanctuary team or the Pastoral team but I don't actually try to hide now. I sit in the mid-section and sing, pray etc. One of the more recent widows joined me, her husband died three weeks ago and she asked if it was okay to sit with me. She is still feeling vulnerable and I was glad of her company.
Our minister would like some idea of when I think I will feel capable of rejoining the groups I belong to within the church, he is looking to the New Year now, forward planning, looking at who he can get to supervise certain projects he has in mind. I understand that. Here January is a behind the scenes planning time, not a lot of meetings as people are away or looking after grandchildren during the summer school holidays so there is no point but February's agendas are planned in January and that gives impetus to the year.
I know I will eventually have to bow out of some of the groups I belong to now I am a widow and not a carer. It is also because the strong memories of caring for a stroke survivor/dementia sufferer will gradually fade away and I will not be talking from the coal face as I was before. I will probably go back to some of the groups after Christmas and take my time making the changes..there it is...that CHANGE word again.
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