got the blahs again
Entry posted by swilkinson
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I think I am making some kind of progress but the basic loneliness of widowhood gets to me. It is okay when you are on your way out to somewhere but the coming home means coming home to emptiness, with no-one to share your experiences with. Trev and Edie have been moving house for the past week or so and so haven't seen them, Steve I don't hear from much and Shirley and co have enough worries. Sometimes I feel like a left behind Teddy Bear, once much loved but sitting on the shelf for now.
The weather has been crazy, record high temperatures and humidity then an overcast day or two and today the rain has come at last so maybe we will feel as if the world is a fresher place tomorrow. I am glad with the coming of the rain the fire fighters have help to put out the bush fires, at least those close to the coast. I guess there is a chance the lightning strikes will start others so thunderstorms with rain is always a risk. Pity all those farmers who have lost flocks of sheep, those who have lost grazing land and all those people in Tasmania who have lost houses. Plus all the others whose lives have been rearranged by all loss of infrastructure.
I went to the Messy Church picnic, only had six kids and fourteen adults but we enjoyed walking on the beach, picking up shells, and just enjoying being in a beautiful place for the afternoon. We had a picnic under the stone pines and had just about finished when the rain came so that was good timing. I did Sunday school this morning but as only one little chap turned up for it he and I coloured in, made a dove out of a paper plate, and then retired to play with building blocks. Did both of us good and we got praised by the congregation as we were as quiet as mice. The powers of the Granma clan...lol.
I didn't stop for lunch with the after church group of ladies, I just didn't feel like it. I did talk to one of the other ladies in the car park though. She expressed what I am feeling. She related to me how she had nursed her husband with cancer. Then when he died two years ago she said: "I asked the minister: 'What am I supposed to do now?' but he didn't have an answer." In the end she had decided to go wherever people were, she got involved in a morning tea group in a civilian widows group, took up tennis again and a few different hobbies. When she is sick of the sound of silence she goes to a spot near a lake where there are families always around the playgrounds and sits there and reads for a while.
She asked me if I thought she had done the right thing? I said if it was right for her that is what counts. She has made a kind of life for herself. Her family are not close by and she sees each of her daughters once or twice a year and as their families have grown up her grandchildren even less frequently. She says they got out of the habit of visiting when her husband got cranky with the noise the teenagers of one daughter were making and after that they visited less frequently. So sad isn't it that we caregivers can devote ourselves to our partners and risk losing our adult children in the process?
I am beginning to see the years of caregiving now as a parade of events, some good, some bad. I have read back in the blogs I've written here and of course they only provide a selection of thoughts on what was happening any any given time but it is an insight into some of what I was thinking and feeling back then. I should make a copy of them and put them somewhere safe I suppose in case I do ever get around to writing something on what happened to me as a caregiver.Thanks for all who have commented over the years, so much support, so much encouragement and advice. I am so grateful to you all. Funny how good I am at giving advice to others and yet so poor at implementing it for my own beneft.
Of course there has been the drama of Shirley's son Christopher and the broken elbow all week too. He broke it falling off a bunk at the holiday cottage they have out west. They took him to the small local hospital but the doctors there said he should see a specialist, they just put on a light plaster to protect the arm. So Monday down an hour and a half's drive to Canberra and there they met an orthopedic specialist who operated on the arm the following day. Christopher, accompanied by his father,had an overnight hospital stay and then they went back to the cottage. They will have to stay on as Christopher has to have another set of xrays next week and another appointment to see the specialist. What a disruption to their holiday! That is what happens in families, isn't it?
I was going down the south coast to their normal house for a few days at the end of next week but of course they may not be back there so that is on hold for now. The plans we have don't always come to fruition. The clue is not to get frustrated but simply to mark time and see how things pan out. I seem to have been doing that all my life.
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