So far, for the past four months since Ray died I have felt like Jelly Woman. The strong woman I was seemed to have dissolved with all the tears I cried and it seemed as if I would never be the same again. I have cried part of every day since the 19th September. I just couldn't focus, could not find that peaceful centre that is such a part of me. I have boasted on here that I am like a bubble in a glass of champagne and nothing keeps me down, well I haven't felt like that for four months.

Some of you know already what it is like to be a widower or a widow as you have already buried a spouse, some of you have been seperated or divorced so you know how lonely living alone is after you have had a companion for many years. Some of you are already living alone with your dear one in a nursing home or care facility. It is one of the things I have loved so much about Strokenet, that there is always someone on here who understands, no matter what the problem is. You are all the most beautiful people I have met, genuine and honest and always ready to lend a shoulder to cry on and a bunch of virtual handkerchiefs to dry my eyes.

Last night I went to my daughter-in-law Pam's place and together we took the three children out to dinner at Hungry Jack's, a subsidiary of Burger King, which is very popular as it has a playground for the two little boys so we went there. The boys are so energetic and they can run that off climbing and sliding and having fun.The local one had the playground locked off so we went a bit further afield. We had our usual fun and they all hugged me when I left. With no-one here to hug me I surely do appreciate those hugs.

Today started off with me having no plans. I was just on the computer when the phone rang, it was Trevor saying the tubes left in his nose after last Friday's operation were moving and he had rung the ENT specialist's office to report that and he needed to go to the hospital where the specialist was holding a clinic so he could see what was happening but as he had just taken oxycodine, a quick acting pain killer he couldn't drive. Edie was busy and they had a tradesman coming so could I come quickly.

Funny how when your child calls, no matter how old they are, that "Mom" instict kicks in and you are changing clothes, finding keys and in that car before you know it. The good news was that after a 30 minute wait he was taken into the clinic and the specialist decided as the tubes were loose it meant the inflammation was subsiding and it was safe to take the tubes out. Trev was delighted, no tubes, a cleared nose and his specialist said it was all healing nicely. All is well that ends well.

We went back to Trev's for some lunch. I hadn't seen Alice since Christmas so it was lovely to catch up with her smiliness. I think she was surprised when Granma stepped into her playpen but she was soon patting my face and pulling my hair. She has her first tooth at seven months, is making sounds that sound something like words and is bumping backwards and reaching out with those long elastic arms kids of that age have. She was also rubbing her eyes so Edie put her down for a nap.

We spent the rest of the afternoon in the pool. I got dragged under a few times by Lucas who decided it was Drown Granma Day. It is tougher to stand firm now than it was when his Dad and Uncle were teens and I did two out of three throws as a challenge for who did the washing up but I was 25 years younger then. We always played boisterous games so I understand Lucas wanting to do the same and for another week Trev needs to let his nose heal so I was the dummy today.

And you know what? Today I felt like a Mum and a Granma and a useful person, not just a widow. And I think that is a good thing.